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Monday, January 05, 2009

This is really the final post..

Oops, don't get me wrong. This is the final post for this blog. I realized as I changed my blogskin once again that it didn't need a facelift. It needed to go into cyberspace as a memoir, capturing the memories, writing style and melancholy of my last two years. For various reasons, it is difficult to add any more color to this already richly elaborate tapestry. I will continue to blog, but no longer here. =) I will send my new blog address to those whom I know have been reading my blog. Those who have been silent, pls leave a comment and leave behind your email address, and I will get back to you. Cheers to the last two years of colorful memories! 

Mantou at 8:38 PM

0 comments

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Make ready your heart indeed... God speaks to even the hard of hearing

I had just spoken to my friend about preparation of the heart belonging to man, and how difficult it was to prepare your heart in the midst of all the heavy commitments.. Guess wat came into the mail this morning..

Preparations

Margaret Manning

Preparations are an integral part to Christmas. There are the baking preparations for holiday favorites, attending to holiday decorations and décor, and the anticipation of parties to celebrate the season with family and friends. We prepare our menu for Christmas day, and we shop sometimes beginning early in the fall or late summer searching for gifts and stocking stuffers for all those “wish” lists that come our way. There are preparations for church pageants and concerts and for all the many events that our churches conduct to mark the season. Before we know it, all of our preparations culminate in Christmas day, which comes and goes like a dream.


It is only fitting that this season is filled with preparations. Advent is a season of preparation for the coming of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. It is a season in which Christians are called to examine their preparations--namely, the preparation of our hearts and lives in anticipation of the coming of Jesus, first as the babe in the manger, and again as the sovereign King. The gospel of Mark even suggests that preparation is the beginning of the gospel proclamation: “The beginning of the gospel of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. As it is written in Isaiah the prophet, ‘Behold I send my messenger before your face, who will prepare Your way; The voice of one crying in the wilderness, make ready the way of the Lord, make his paths straight’” (Mark 1:1-3). The Advent season bids us to examine our preparations, but not of our decorations, baking, gift purchases, or party-planning. We are called to examine our hearts and our lives: Are they prepared for the Coming King?

John’s message is one of repentance for the forgiveness of sins. His was a call to consider the preparation of our lives in light of the coming Messiah and the judgment that would follow. In anticipation of this awesome event “people from the whole Judean countryside and all the people of Jerusalem were going out to him, and were baptized by him in the river Jordan, confessing their sins” (Mark 1:4-5). In the same way, as we anticipate Christ’s coming, both in the manger and in his glory, we are called to focus our preparations. How will we use this time and season? What are we really preparing for? Will we be caught up in all the preparations that our world tells us we should be caught up in? Or will we use this time to focus on Who we are preparing for? This is the season to prepare our hearts and ready our lives. Will we make room for the way of the Lord, the way of repentance and confession? Will we make these necessary preparations, even as they run counter to all the preparations we normally consider during this season? The beginning of the gospel message is that we prepare our hearts for the coming King, make ready Christ’s way, and make his paths straight.

Mantou at 10:49 AM

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Monday, December 01, 2008

Happy Birthday Indeed

What a way to mark a quarter of a century of existence! Haha. I have a lot to thank God for, but basically wanna say He's an awesome provider! All glory goes to Him. I really hope this time I can consolidate the photos and video that were taken last night and I can really do a proper post to log it in as a once-in-a-lifetime experience. =) The Vietnam trip must be given justice! I will get the photos I promise!! Haha..

Anyway, just to say a BIG THANKS to all who came last night and their well wishes! Not to mention totally awesome presents! And presence! Haha..

I can't really say much about the happenings last night without the photos, or I'd have to repeat. But I also wanna give a post on the awesome presents I got.. Haha.. This is my first time getting such presents really. Like, a helium balloon greeting! Haha.. White Chocolate Coated Strawberries! Totally awesome right?? My poly friends got me a custom made t-shirt! I'll be using a lot of exclamation marks! JOSH GROBAN CD!!! haha.. And three other CDs from different genres, totally awesome. A photo montage with personalized messages from my cell group! A GIRAFFE HAND PAINTED LAMP! GIRAFFE STATIONERY! GIRAFFE INFLATABLE! This nick is really sticking man. Haha. And a greeting card with many giraffe stickers and other stickers! Haha.. Could tell straight away it was done by a kid. =P Also, a birthday cake from Twelve Plus One Patiserrie, with brownies made to spell my name! So sweet... There were many other stuff, but essentially thoughtful gifts from true friends. I will take pictures when I can get hold of a good camera back home.

I don't think I'm raving about the gifts more than the fact that I got such interesting friends who really take time to make and get meaningful gifts that in a fun way or in a serious way speak about what we have in the friendships and how they've come to know me as. This is really a far cry from the past, when I tried to be a somebody thinking I was a nobody and basically caused people not to know me in the end. God has proved to be faithful in helping me discover myself, and teaching me to allow others to see me as myself. It may be a little thing or something taken for granted or at least taken as a given for some, but for me, it's phenomenal. So thank you, dear friends, for being you and being my friend. =)

Mantou at 11:13 PM

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Thursday, November 13, 2008

The Honesty Policy

How should I say this? Sometimes it takes a painful heart to compel one to ponder on things that you had at one time decided to shelve aside.

Tonight I just want to write. I want to write what I feel inside even though it scares me and makes me squirm and maybe even want to cry.

Nothing wise to say, nothing noteworthy to make mention of. Tonight I just am... contemplative.

I had gone for an interview as a stepping out, a venture to see if I had been called into a new stage of learning and growing as a social worker. I went away feeling strange but distracted by other commitments, and now after I have a post-interview review, I felt deflated. Yes, deflated is the word to use. Not because I was not accepted. But because I was not accepted due to a poor performance during the interview. I was giving out all the wrong signs! Deflated. Because one side of me had thought that interviews were not to be feared especially if one had been through so much group work settings and had to initiate so much leadership and facilitation in my current job. They said I was too anxious. I have to agree. This was something I had never felt before. But I was really unnerved at the whole idea of such an elaborate interview and I was overwhelmed.

Then I felt undeservingly consoled. And once again, I get the surprising support and understanding of my mother, who I had thought would use the opportunity to reiterate that I was too immature to make it. She didn't, and she even told me it's normal. I wanted to cry there and then. It seriously might have made me feel better and more justified to be disappointed if she had done what she used to do. But she didn't! I so wanted to break down then. Despite her own difficulties and challenges, she still finds her purpose in supporting me. ずっとすごくの支えいる。 I still feel on the verge of breaking down.

That's because at this moment I start to ask myself; how much do my friends and family matter to me? Because I am beginning to see that I indeed undeservingly matter quite a fair bit to the people around me. When will I quit trying to meet the bare minimum just so I stay in a safe position of non-commitment? Believe it or not, it was the interview result and reflection that made me realize this. Don't ask how I make the connections. I regret all my self-centered whims and fancies that has stopped me from being able to be a blessing to the people around me. It's a painful lesson to learn, that what I do in my own discretionary time affects the lives of people around me eventually. Wisen up man!

Mantou at 12:50 AM

2 comments

Monday, November 03, 2008

Just for laughs or lames

What did one rabbit say to the other? All I want for Christmas is no two front teeth!

Ok that was pathetic. But isn't it such an amusing sight? Thanks to my loving family of Mkkadesh who decided to compliment me by likening me to a rabbit. The rabbit in question has no original name, except the one given by the owner, Bunny. He's really well-trained and is given free reign around the whole house and brought out for excursions like this from time to time, with the owner citing reasons like the house is too small for a rabbit. Now that's a responsible pet owner! In case you're wondering, the rationale for the chair is that the pets (there's a guinea pig just as cute behind the rabbit!) need a shelter of sorts to run to when they sense imminent danger.

Mantou at 11:13 PM

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Saturday, October 25, 2008

The silence is broken

Hi hi.. How are you my dear readers? You know what I've never felt obliged to write something on my blog just so my readers can be updated.. But there's always this healthy tension between just blogging and blogging so others can be updated. This is called communication. It's a healthy, responsible way of being an online community member. Right?

So where have I been? I guess sometimes even I ask myself this question. Where have I been? Hmm.

Well, so much for being a responsible online community member. I'm off facebook and off friendster. I deleted it! Why, some may ask. I was even so tempted to remove my blog. It's just that I couldn't bear to leave behind two years worth of memories and let it disintegrate into wandering megabytes caching somewhere in cyberspace. You know that's why it's better to keep a proper diary that at best will have yellowed pages and faded ink over the years? If one day blogspot should fail like the Lehman Brothers all our precious memories could go kapoof just like that. But I digress.

Why the sudden urge to pull away from online communities? I think it's not really explainable by sheer logic; I just found that I was not being fair to myself or others by using these communities to 'promote' myself and show how interesting my life is to have been here or done that, or know this person or that person. It's overtaking my true personality and soon my real time interactions with others would take the same slant of thought. Figured there's more to life than just waiting for comments on your posts and pics. Don't get me wrong. I'm not against others using it. I'm just realizing that it's not working out for me. You could say I'm extreme. But I had rationally thought it out and figured it wouldn't really be much of a loss. For the friends that really matter to me I have their contacts in my phone, always possible to fix a day where we can truly meet and talk real time.

So what have I been busy with? What everybody else would be busy with I guess. Studying, working, family, church. I am nearing the end of my contract as well as my studies. This means it's time for me to possibly leave the life I've known so well. Or do I? This is the time for me to be at the crossroads of decisions once again. So much has changed in the Mentor's ministry, but it's been most interesting. And as far as bosses are concerned, I think my immediate boss is crazy. But we all seem to love him one way or another. I hope he doesn't read this.

May You increase and I decrease.
May You increase as I decrease.
May You increase I will decrease.

Amen.

Mantou at 11:02 PM

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Saturday, September 20, 2008

The Rant

Tonight or rather this morning I'm just going to rant. Readers don't bother to read into the details too much. I won't make much sense. =)

Perhaps there really are times in your life when you just don't want to make sense. You just get sick and tired of making sense.. Or trying to make sense of circumstances. Making sense of situations to me has always been a struggle against the seemingly real possible situation I am facing and trying to look at it from all angles possible. Why has that been important? I guess it's been important cos you don't want to jump to the wrong conclusions and kick up a fuss unnecessarily.. Stay rational..

Just sent my mom to the hospital.. Been doing that a lot recently. At first the little boy in me just wanted to scream murder and make a big hoohaa about the injustice in this world and marvel at how terrible things can turn out to be. After subsequent visits the voice within is muted and replaced by a numbness that's really quite hard to describe. It's a curious mix of strength needed to alleviate already heightened stress and anxiety as well as helplessness at being at the mercy of doctors who can either be nonchalant or helpful. And reside in an environment where disclaimers are displayed everywhere that they don't deserve to be verbally or physically abused. Such signs sometimes backfire. They become what Chinese call 'dang[3] jian [4] pai [2]' or the 'emperor's signet' so that they can happily do what they want to do or rather choose to ignore what they think they should not have to handle.

Doctors, you hold tremendous powers in your hands. Lives. Big parts, small parts. Not quantifiable by metrical values. Maybe you were more focused on the prestige of being called a Dr. when you decided to study medicine. Maybe you had noble dreams but quickly realised it comes with a baggage of mess and soon regretted. Or maybe you were just plain after the payroll. Whichever the case it's time to take a raincheck man. Go figure out what this means: "You treat a disease you win or you lose. You treat a person, I guarantee you, you win, no matter what the outcome." Patch Adams has a thing or two to teach all of us. You don't talk to a patient who's lying down from the foot of the bed! Might as well have been talking to a gravestone in a cemetery. Couldn't you take a chair and sit down by the bedside and explain stuff? A person who admits into a hospital has already been at the cruel mercies of pain and now has to be at the cruel mercies of doctors too? You don't use another patient's meal table opposite to put all your equipment to treat another patient. All that equipment looks menacing from the patient's viewpoint. Please. It's midnight and they want to sleep too. You happily disturb their peace and now even use their space? Haven't you heard of respecting the personal space of individuals? How much more do they have to give up? They already don't have much to cling to when they leave the comfort of their homes to be cared for in a foreign institute. You really don't have to make it worse for them. Here's a tip. The power you hold soon becomes unbearable if you keep trying to hold on to it. Tip the scales back the other way and you'll have balance in your life too. Respect the individual and consider the concerns of each individual. They are bound to be different. Be mindful that you are having access to very intimate and thus vulnerable areas of people's lives. The last thing they need is to have a traumatic experience instead of a therapeutic one. Release the power back to them by explaining to them what is about to happen and the rationale behind it. You may know what is medically best for them but their lives are bigger than a medical perspective.


それをチャント感慨がしなさい。

母は強いな。がんばってよね。ぜへ、きみために祈ってる。なんてゆか、みんなもうがんばりますだから、母はあきらじゃない。

Mantou at 1:57 AM

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Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Stubborn Love

Caught again - Your faithless friend
Don't You ever tire of hearing what a fool I've been?
Guess I should pray - But what can I say?
Oh it hurts to know the hundred times I've caused You pain
Though 'forgive me' sounds so empty when I never change
Yet You stay and say 'I love you still'
Forgiving me time and time again

It's Your stubborn love that never lets go of me
I don't understand how You can stay
Perfect love embracing the worst in me
How I long for Your - stubborn love

Funny me - Just couldn't see
Even long before I knew You, You were loving me
Sometimes I cry - You must cry too
When You see the broken promises I've made to You
I keep saying that I'll trust You though I seldom do
Yet You stay and say You love me still
Knowing someday I'll be like You

And Your stubborn love, it never lets go of me
I don't understand how You can stay
Perfect love embracing the worst in me
How I long for You - stubborn love
It's Your stubborn love that never lets go of me
I don't understand how You can stay
Perfect love embracing the worst in me
And You never let me goI believe I finally know
I can't live without Your stubborn love

Mantou at 12:22 AM

1 comments

Saturday, August 30, 2008

A Grace-filled day

Hi dear readers!! How is everyone? I do apologize that I've been neglecting my blog for so long. =( I had not been able to seriously ponder and pen down my thoughts for such a long time due to an impossible schedule at work, school, personal ministry and of course, a thousand and one other things I chose to get distracted by. Silly me thought at certain points that I can't simply live so mechanically or efficiently and so gave myself "well-deserved" breaks, only to realize things pile up! *sigh* It's really not easy to live a balanced life on the narrow pathway aye. Where would I be if not for Your grace?

I know I owe you guys a spectacular post on my awesome Vietnam trip but I do apologize, my com died (now resurrected) and then I got busy. I am now waiting for my other traveler to pass me his thumb drive so I can stick it in my com and get the pics rolling! Too many good pics you guys can expect a deluge of posts on the trip! =)

Right, that's that and now, a quick post on what happened today. It's another first, it seems this year's surprises are in an endless supply! I took part in The Genesis Project 08! It's a Christian Songwriting Festival in case you're clueless about it. A total of no less than *counts with the fingers* uncountable figure of songwriters and bands gathered today at Paya Lebar Methodist Church to share God inspired self-penned songs. I was actually given the privilege to perform one of my songs as well! I was really thrilled as expected, but I faced the problem of finding the right people to play in my band; I had not made such connections in the past! Now I had two choices; either scour through my contacts and get a rag-tag band of sorts together or fly solo. One of the quirks of songwriting - as far as my experience tells me - is that one tends to hear the whole arrangement of the song. No band and it'll not do the song-to-be credit. It's like going to a branded shop asking for a paper bag to put your merchandise and they hand you a cheap plastic bag cos they run out of stock. You get e drift. So I had to wreck my brain and consider the schedules of everyone as well as who I would be comfortable to get to play the song. And God's grace would happen in the most unexpected place; my pianist at the workplace, my bassist I found at my Tung Ling friend's gathering, and my drummer, at the very last minute, my dear bro, Royston. I must say that even though I had not the slightest idea who to look for to join me, I considered carefully the options that was impressed upon me. As they all had completely different schedules, the next problem to overcome was how to come together to practice.

All throughout this experience I was just plagued with doubts on whether I had made the right choice of stubbornly wanting to get a band to play. Of course, on the other side I was constantly reminded to trust in God at every moment as He was the one who opened the way. I must say that this was a really faith-stretching exercise, as even up to the very minute before it was our turn to practice, there stood a chance that we would not make our appearance as a quartet (four piece band)! My dear bro was so filled with doubts he almost withdrew from playing the drums, the band layout was totally not conducive for hearing each other which was crucial cos we didn't have enough practice, my pianist was missing cos she had gone off for another appointment, it was Murphy's Law at work viciously!

You know what I learned? I learned that I can't have control of the situation as much as I thought it would be crucial to have. I learned that trust is priceless and it's not something to be taken lightly. If God has put His trust in me and asked me to do something, I can very well sabotage it by doing things my way or by doing other things that are unimportant and lose focus. Or even fail to do the things that seem mundane so it will get out of the way. And the hurt and grief that can result is really heavy even for God! Conversely, even in our doubts and lack of confidence, when we respond with trust even reluctantly, God can work wonders. It's nothing short of amazing grace, and can't be taken for granted.

The conclusion, it was a grace-filled day, it was a beautiful performance, and the four of us enjoyed it tremendously, and the listeners gave a hearty applause for the brave performance of four newbies (at least as far as the learning of the song goes).

Mantou at 8:53 PM

1 comments

Friday, July 11, 2008

When will I learn to trust You?

Hey readers.. It's me, back from the trip that was most amazing and eventful! Many things to thank God for, but I will NOT do it now.. =P Was just reading a devotional this morning and I thought it really speaks to me. Just wanna post it and hope it encourages my readers. Thanks for your comments and responses to my posts. =)

The Path to Straight
Margaret Manning

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6 were some of the first Scripture verses I memorized as a child. For some reason, the words seemed to bounce with joy, energy, and a sense of lightness as I learned them. For me, these were very "happy" verses in Scripture--verses that seemed to indicate God's direct guidance for all his children down happy, straight pathways. I inferred that trusting in God's guidance would be the result of seeing the wonderful, straight pathways laid out before me that I would willingly and gladly walk on towards all my goals, desires, and dreams.

While these are still precious Scripture verses to me, I have come to understand them differently as an adult. I recognize now that trusting the Lord was easy when everything was going my way! I didn't rely on my own understanding because I didn't have to! But, when dreams began to die, life-goals went unmet, and desires dried up, I realized the challenge these verses really offer; they offered me the opportunity to learn the real meaning of "trust." "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding" took on new meaning in the face of absence, want, and unfulfillment. Real trust in the Lord is only forged out of the fires of testing--testing that reveals whether we truly trust in the Lord or in what we want the Lord to give us. In other words, do we trust the Provider, or the Provider's provisions?

In my own life, when it seemed that God withdrew the "provisions" and things stopped going my way, my plans failed, or my goals and dreams didn't materialize, I began to realize that my trust was in my own understanding of what was necessary to make my paths straight. So, as God had abandoned my plans, my test of trust began. C.S. Lewis once wrote in his marvelous book The Screwtape Letters that in order for the believer to mature in faith and trust, God must withdraw "all the supports and incentives" and "leave the creature to stand up on its own legs--to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish." He continues this thought through the character of Uncle Screwtape, the senior demon coaching his nephew Wormwood on the skills of devilry: "It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He [God] wants it to be. Only then, when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's [God's] will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."(1)

You see, when our paths are crooked we are tempted to place our trust in the things God provides. As God withdraws those supports we have the challenge of leaning on our own understanding (grasping for things), or allowing true trust in the Lord to develop and bloom (grasping for God). As we trust God even while feeling lost and abandoned to crooked, twisting, and unsafe paths, paths that we thought would lead us to our plans, dreams, and desires, only then can we follow the ever-straightening path to our heart's desire found in God alone.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." As you find yourself wandering down crooked paths of disappointment, may you find God leading you to place your trust in Him alone. As your trust grows, may you see straight paths of rest and contentment unfold before you. As you release your own understanding, may you find the Lord to be your heart's desire.

"Cos sometimes it feels like I'm a 'lost & found';
Like I know I belong but I'm yet to be found
And I'm still waiting for a Savior,
Haven't You given me Your promise?
When will I learn to trust You?
How will I truly surrender?
Lord, I'm here in my boat,
And I'm asking, 'Lord, is it You?'" - Lost and Found, Vincent Wang

Mantou at 10:54 AM

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Saturday, July 05, 2008

Final Pre Trip Post

Wassup Beautiful Ppl..

I'm now inside the Budget Terminal for the first time and waiting for my flight to take off.. The time now is 0551 hrs and I've been awake since yesterday morn 0830 hrs.. Somehow I couldn't sleep. Wait.. Not somehow. It is after my first holiday!

I gotta say I'm really excited.. Before the flight I spent the whole night at the airport cos I wanted to save on cab fare. Really budget hor. Haha. My luggage for the whole trip is only 9.5 kg! The lightest of the lot cos one was 10 and the other 11.2.. But I'm quite sure coming back will be a different story altogether. =P

First stop for me will be Ho Chi Minh, as I take a special arrangement of going to Ho Chi Minh before taking a domestic flight to Hanoi. So I get to spend a few hours at Ho Chi Minh. I shall attempt to venture out of the airport and take a look at the city or at least grab a bite but scoot back to the airport at the slightest threat of losing my way. XD

As promised, I'll blog about Sapa! My dear friends have already arranged the tours! Great to have C profiles in the DISC profile in your tour team. =) They leave no detail uncovered. So Sapa..

It's on the border of Vietnam, a countryside boasting all the charm of tranquility and calm. The countryfolk are quite a sight to see and their handicrafts have all the tradition of Vietnam infused in it. Wait for the pictures! Gotta go! Check back soon.

Cos I'm leaving on a Tiger plane.. =)

Mantou at 5:49 AM

0 comments

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Surprised by the wisdom of humility

I know I promised to log about Sapa and Halong Bay too.. It's in the pipeline ok? =P

Tonight, I need to reflect on some things that I've said during my private prayer with God, after I heard a verse during prayer meeting today. Just for the record, for the longest time, I could not verbalise a prayer before God when alone. Some of the struggles of a guy who finds it hard to relate to God on a personal level at that degree.

But today, I went back to my knees. I went back to talking to God about what's weighing on my heart. It felt strangely peaceful. It was after I had reflect on this verse found in Matthew 15:21-28, the account of Jesus and the Canaanite woman.

And going away from there, Jesus withdrew to the district of Tyre and Sidon.
And behold, a woman who was a Canaanite from that district came out and, with a [loud, troublesomely urgent] cry, begged, Have mercy on me, O Lord, Son of David! My daughter is miserably and distressingly and cruelly possessed by a demon! But He did not answer her a word. And His disciples came and implored Him, saying, Send her away, for she is crying out after us.
He answered, I was sent only to the lost sheep of the house of Israel.
But she came and, kneeling, worshiped Him and kept praying, Lord, help me!
And He answered, It is not right (proper, becoming, or fair) to take the children's bread and throw it to the little dogs.
She said, Yes, Lord, yet even the little pups (little whelps) eat the crumbs that fall from their [young] masters' table.
Then Jesus answered her, O woman, great is your faith! Be it done for you as you wish. And her daughter was cured from that moment.

Now this passage may be perplexing to many, as it is so easy to wonder why Jesus would be so mean to that Canaanite woman. But what Jesus said was culturally relevant and acceptable, even to the Canaanite woman. Israelites were supposed to inherit the land of Canaan, leaving no Canaanites in Canaan. In that sense, the Promised Land was God's inheritance for the Israelites, but somehow they did not manage to inherit it totally. So Jesus replied what was logical, in that He came to minister to the Israelites only. Ok, this is not a theological debate. In any case, this passage had a really profound impact on me. The Canaanite woman was praised for her great faith when she answered in such a wise manner.

I was humbled when I realized the truth in all that was transpiring between Jesus and the woman. Yes, the woman might have to acknowledge she isn't part of the inheritance. That she isn't learned in the ways of God and His people. But she still acknowledge that whoever she is, she still belongs to to God, the master! And that's not all, she acknowledges that however little she can get from God, mere crumbs as it were, it would still be more than the world could offer! That was what I confessed to God in my private prayer. That however unworthy we are, to receive the least of what God had to offer, it would still be more than what the world has to offer, more than what we could ever provide for ourselves! No matter how small we are in the eyes of God, it is still bigger than in the eyes of the world! Truly humbling. It leaves us no room to give excuses that we are not worthy to come into the presence of God, because doing so only means that we believe somehow we can gain more from being elsewhere. Sometimes being humbled reveals at the same time the sovereignty and wisdom of God.

Mantou at 11:40 PM

0 comments

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

In the mood for...

Hanoi!! Haha.. I am.. let me see.. 11 days away from my holiday destination and I am sooo excited! Can't blame me.. It's after all my first time going off for a holiday on my own, mountain tortoise what to do.. =P

What are we going to do at Hanoi? Well we intend backpack around three areas in the region of Hanoi. They are Sapa, Hanoi, and Halong Bay (does it ring a bell, James Bond fans?) =) As promised, by the most amazing provision of God, this year is turning out to be the year which I get to do some of the things I had set my heart on doing at the start of the year.. =) I remember posting about going overseas mid year to see a new side of life, to experience a different perspective on life. Now I'm just 11 days from being able to do it! Humble folk like me can hardly believe it is really happening.

So, what am I doing posting about my trip so prematurely? Well, basically to indulge in my fantasies and dream about what can be done over in Hanoi. Haha.. I will be posting about three places individually.


First up, Hanoi! I am so looking forward to hitting the streets of Old Quarter in Hanoi.. I've heard about the coffee, I've read about the coffee, I've seen the coffee, I've even drunk a sample of Vietnamese Coffee (courtesy of a friend who went there with a backpack courtesy of me haha)! And yes, I am definitely heading towards the Cafe that I read about from a friend's travel guide. I'll plonk down my heavy backpack, relieved to see my two backpacking mates (this will be 1.5 days after they have arrived; I join them later due to work), and celebrate sweet reunion with them over a cup of ca phe sua da, the vietnamese name for iced milk coffee. Ahhh.. It will be sweet haven...
Of course, there's much more to Hanoi than its coffee! There's also.. sugarcane juice!! =P My friend's guidebook claims that in summer (which is about now) they set up sugarcane kiosks along the road and we can definitely get to sip down the icy cool sap of purple sugarcane in the heat of the day.. Why are we only talking about drinks??? Oopsy daisy.. Haha.. I guess I'm a real sucker for sweet drinks.. It's a must try for me.. Top priority..
The Old Quarters is an elaborate maze of (about) 36 street, each one named for the goods sold on it -- shoes, bamboo, metals, bags, herbs & spices, silks, etc. It is where old East meets West, as evident in the multi-cultural cafes that sit side by side with "pho" (noodle) houses; and in the Russian Babushka dolls displayed beside Uncle Ho paraphernelia; and where tourists from all over the world mix and mingle with the locals peddling fresh fruits, baskets and fresh flowers across their shoulders. Nestled within the Old Quarters is the Bach Ma Temple and the Vietnamese House, an old house-turned museum for visitors to see and appreciate how Vietnamese families lived back in the day. Also found there is the Sinh Cafe Travel & Tours Office and my favorite restaurant, The Green Tangerine, that opens into a charming little courtyard with a dimly-lit, romantic 2nd floor. The fig fritters, a bold and delicious appetizer, is a must-try!


The fig fritters sound so intriguing! I always thought figs were a Greek/Jewish delicacy.. Hope I find it there or even get to recognize it. Oops food again. =P Oh yes, I doubt we will be visiting the Temple, but there is a Cathedral there, and I do look forward to visiting that, if time permits.

Picture courtesy of tripadvisor.com

Being the art closet enthusiast that I am, definitely will look for interesting sights and galleries to visit. I hear there's an art gallery (or a few!) and I think it will be interesting to see. I am most intrigued by art pieces that give a provoking message using simple and bold colors and statements. T-shirts capture my attention that way too.

This art gallery is found at Nha Chung Street

I'm also avid about performances, and how can a trip to Hanoi be a trip to Hanoi without attending a water puppetry performance? After all, the art took a thousand years to master and perfect!

These are the water puppet figurines used for the performances.

Die la! Haven't go yet provide so much info le.. Come back how to post?? Haha.. I'll let tomorrow worry for itself. It sure looks like I have so much to see and do and feel and taste in Hanoi!

Mantou at 11:51 PM

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Sunday, June 22, 2008

What dreams may come..

Guess what.. I had another weird dream! Is it my diet or something? Why am I having so many weird dreams? And dreams that I can remember so vividly. Hmm.. What happened after the first dream that I had? Did the prophecy take place? I'm not even sure. In any case, I had another dream. Again, it took place in a time unknown, but with known people. This time it's my cell group bro, Wenzheng.

I was in an interest shop with him, as is typical an activity if out with him. This time, he's looking for something which in this part of the dream I do not know of. However, as he was looking around and chatting with the shop owner, my eyes averted to a cigarette pack on the rack. I had a sudden impulse to give puffing one a try, so I bought it while he was talking to another owner. I remember rationalizing that it's wrong, but Wenzheng will understand and still accept me. I then turned around, having put one cigarette in my mouth, when I turned around and saw a whole bunch of children walking towards me. When I saw that, I was dismayed and regretted putting the cigarette in my mouth. I remember thinking, I can't let the children see me smoking! It will be bad influence for them! I was about to throw it away when Wenzheng turned around and saw me, and asked me, 'what's that, a candy?' When he saw that it was a cigarette, he stormed off. I immediately threw the pack of cigarettes away, feeling good that I had done so, cos it meant I am willing to make sacrifices when I repent. And then I chased after him. I had no idea if he was angry with me or not, because he was running from shop to shop asking the owners for a particular kind of oil. I decided to help him, taking the risk that perhaps he was not angry with me, but was more anxious to find the oil, as he was intending to use it to make a sculpture for his brother. I suggested using soap, instead of oil which you need to wait for it to coagulate. I ran off to a nearby shop that I knew sold bars of soap and picked on pack to show to him. He sort of looked at it but preferred looking for the oil.

That's all that I remember. Again, it's about some feelings that I have and perhaps some fears that I have. Friends who know me know that I hate smoking, can't even stand the smell of smoke. Why the dream then? May there be an answer soon, what dreams may come..

Mantou at 11:47 PM

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Tuesday, June 17, 2008

I had a dream.. And I'm not Martin Luther King..

Haha.. I'll make it quick. Gotta hit the books. But I had the most perculiar experience this morning and I thought I'll just log it in. In case it gets weirder and I have no time to log it in clearly.



I had a dream, as my title says. What dream? As far as I can remember, here's how it went. It's seldom that I can remember dreams but I think this one is so weird it stuck.



I was in a chartered bus (travelling too much in buses lately?) with my Dean from Tung Ling Bible College. Apparently I was involved in an event together with her. We were on the way back, and on the bus was Dean, an elderly woman, and me.



The scene suddenly but smoothly transited to them praying for me at her house (I'm not sure, but I got the impression it's her house). Dean prayed, then the elderly woman (I had the impression that she was Dean Guek Ju's mother). As the elderly woman prayed, I witnessed something in my spirit and I felt what she was praying was so true but how could she know? Then all of a sudden she prophesied! She said, 'In one day's time (not very long hor) you will be shown / God will show you (I can't remember exactly) the source of your loneliness. Where you could not access your hurt, you will. Where you could not cry, now you will cry" As she prophesied, I felt a wave of goosebumps through my physical body (not in my dreams), and in my dreams I was on the verge of sobbing but then suddenly a little girl walked through the gate in the yard and I was distracted.

Then I awoke, highly disturbed and amazed. I had not kept in touch with my dean since I graduated so why would she be in the dream? And it felt so real I had a little difficulty distinguishing between reality and dream for a while. What does all this mean? May there be an answer soon.

Mantou at 8:42 PM

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Monday, June 02, 2008

Humbled bumped bummer...

Oh well oh well oh well.. I'm pretty well acquainted with screw ups and life's ugly consequences. That's just some of the ways I have been wired to learn life's greatest lessons from (I enrolled in the school of hard knocks since young and have yet to graduate). Still, everytime it happens, it etches itself in my memories, and makes itself known loud and clear not in one, not two, but a string of incidents to hit home the message and drive me to my knees..

So here I am again, at a familiar spot in life - humbled by life's circumstances - but yet with a differing response. Somewhat.

I feel so sorry for the people I've implicated due to my negligence this time around, and it's so wrong that they have to be at the brunt of my foolishness. Argh.. It's such a feeling of helplessness. How stupid will it be to try to salvage the situation for others when you started it yourself. I'm much more used to helping others clean up their mess. And so it's so humbling that I made a mess and others are affected by it and I wish I could do something to reverse the effects but it's so futile. There's still hope, but I really didn't have to put myself in such a precarious situation.

I find major crises and screw ups always the tool used to show me the cracks I have in my life. I have questioned the thoughts in me that condemns me such as I'm lesser than my ideals, I should have known better, I'll never learn, God is punishing you so better buck up and match up, you should have done this and that, the list goes on. I have learned that's never the point - trying to match up. But I am ashamed but at the same time amazed to say, the point is, God is showing me how to truly surrender. Or why I must truly surrender. My efforts are but futile; mediocre at best, bound to mess up at worst. And the stakes are higher than I think. Even if I didn't care about myself, I surely cared about others and they too care for me. If I don't choose God's way I'm playing into dangerous territory, and not only my life is affected,or my relationship with God, others around me too. Ministry, friendships, divine appointments, disciples. Like David's sin that caused the death of his people, so will my unsanctified self cost the lives of others.

Some may think I think too much, I make a mountain out of a molehill, or overspiritualize. But I guess only God and I know how much has happened to me in the whole picture and why it matters to me. He alone knows the condition of my heart, and how much grace and providence I need. When God says His grace is sufficient, He'll prove it somehow.

Yesterday Wee Lee my pastor's wife prayed for me. I had wondered why she kept praying against the voice of condemnation for me. I now know why. She was sent by God to show me that I needed to recognize what's been driving my behavior for so long. Today I can recognize and take steps to reject those lies. Thank God.

Mantou at 11:18 PM

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Sunday, June 01, 2008

The Picture Post!!

Mantou at 10:56 PM

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Thursday, May 22, 2008

How daft we must be..

Our Father the Weaver
Ravi Zacharias

Some years ago, I was visiting a place known for making the best wedding saris in the world. They were the producers of saris rich in gold and silver threads, resplendent with an array of colors. With such intricacy of product, I expected to see some elaborate system of machines that would boggle the mind in production. But this image could not have been farther from the real scene.

Each sari was made individually by a father and son team. The father sat above the son on a platform, surrounded by several spools of thread that he would gather into his fingers. The son had only one task. At a nod from his father, he would move the shuttle from one side to the other and back again. This would then be repeated for hundreds of hours, until a magnificent pattern began to emerge. The son certainly had the easier task. He was only to move at the father's nod. But making use of these efforts, the father was working to an intricate end. All along, he had the design in his mind and was bringing the right threads together.

The more I reflect on my own life and study the lives of others, I am fascinated to see the design God has for each one of us individually, if we would only respond. All through our days, little reminders show the threads that God has woven into our lives. Allow me to share a story from my own experience. As one searching for meaning in the throes of a turbulent adolescence, I found myself on a hospital bed from an attempted suicide. It was there that I was read the 14th chapter of John's Gospel. My attention was fully captured by the part where Jesus says to his disciples: "Because I live, you shall live also" (John 14:19). I turned my life over to Christ that day, committing my pains, struggles, and pursuits to his able hands.

Almost 30 years to the day after this decision, my wife and I were visiting India and decided to visit my grandmother's grave. With the help of a gardener we walked through the accumulated weeds and rubble until we found the stone marking her grave. With his bucket of water and a small brush, the gardener cleared off the years of caked-on dirt. To our utter surprise, under her name, a verse gradually appeared. My wife clasped my hand and said, "Look at the verse!" It read: "Because I live, you shall live also." A purposeful design emerges when the Father weaves a pattern from what to us may often seem disparate threads. Even today, if you will stop and attend to it, you will see that God is seeking to weave a beautiful tapestry in your life

Mantou at 10:21 PM

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Wednesday, May 14, 2008

If you thought faith was for the faint-hearted..

Abandoned Fortresses
Margaret Manning

Have you ever experienced the dissonance that comes from the contradiction of your personal experience and your beliefs? What do you do, for example, when you've believed that God always heals, and yet you watch helplessly as your mother dies of cancer? How do you affirm God's love to a woman who was abused as a young girl? What do you feel when you've been told that God has a wonderful plan for your life, and yet you can't square that wonderful plan with a series of professional and personal failures? If you're like me, the fortress of beliefs you thought were impenetrable come crashing down as life experience smashes that fortress like a battering ram. In the aftermath, the alternative shelters of cynical doubt or blind faith beckon you to take your refuge with them.

For most of us, we run perilously between both extremes, without the sense of security that the fortress once provided. The Bible is replete with stories about individuals who faced the difficult conflict between what they held to be the truth and what they experienced in their lives. Think of the patriarch Joseph. He was told by God through a sequence of dreams that he would be great one day--so great, in fact that his own brothers would come and bow down in reverence for him. He had been given a glimpse of his destiny, and perhaps he believed his path to that destiny would be paved with gold. Instead, his gilded trip to glory yielded an attempted murder by his own brothers, his enslavement in a foreign land, and much of his life spent in and out of prison falsely accused of various crimes he did not commit. How could this be the path to glory God promised to provide for Joseph? Joseph's beliefs in a God who loved him and had compassion on him were now being challenged by God's demonstration of his compassionate care. Sitting in his jail cell, I'm sure Joseph wrestled with his ideas about God's loving care.

Despite the contradiction between his life experience and what he thought he knew about God, Joseph ultimately affirmed that God is good and trustworthy. How did he arrive at this? I would suggest that as Joseph (like his father, Jacob) wrestled with God, God gave him a new perspective and a deeper understanding of his love for him. But that new perspective is not lightly gained. Noted author and pastor Craig Barnes poignantly describes the emergence of new perspectives as the very process of conversion: "The deep fear behind every loss is that we have been abandoned by the God who should have saved us. The transforming moment in Christian conversion comes when we realize that even God has left us.

We then discover it was not God, but our image of God that abandoned us.... Only then is change possible." Indeed, Joseph eventually reveals his new perspective to his brothers who betrayed him; "As for you, you meant evil against me but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive" (Genesis 50:20). This is no biblical cliché. Joseph did witness God's intervention and love. But not at all in the way he expected. And neither has God promised to make our lives go as we plan. But instead, God promises to give us the necessary new perspective to see his goodness and grace in the midst of our abandoned expectations.

Mantou at 5:06 PM

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Thursday, May 08, 2008

Time for laughs

EVER WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'! ?

Wh y is 'abbreviate d' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do cows fly on GoofyAuctions.com but the cheese is green?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don! 't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods: (I didn't write the stuff in the parenthesis)

On a Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping. (that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos!
..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap! :
'Directions: Use like regular soap.' (and that would be how?...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
'Serving suggestion: Defrost.' (but, it's 'just' a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
'Do not turn upside down.' (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
'Product will be hot after heating.' (...and you thought?...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
'Do not iron clothes on body.' (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.' (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
'Warning: May cause drowsiness.' (and.. .I'm taking this because?...)!

On most brands of Christmas lights:
'For indoor or outdoor use only.' (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor:
'Not to be used for the other use.' (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts:
'Warning: contains nuts.' (talk about a news fl ash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.' (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume:
'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.' (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.' (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

On T-Rat (Military food):!
Its not for Human Consumption, Animals and Military Us e only... (Umnn yeah... isn't military also human)

Mantou at 9:29 PM

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Tuesday, May 06, 2008

God is good indeed

Hehe.. I have practically a few hours left to complete my assignment and here I am blogging.. *tsk tsk* Naughty notty. But I absolutely have got to blog about this. There are just some days that when you leave it to another day to blog, it just feels different. In fact, there are no more feelings left. I'm not an advocate of acting on your feelings, but this is more about capturing a moment in its purest or rawest.

Yea, God's just able to prepare us for trials ahead with His still small voice. Somehow this idea popped out of nowhere today, and boy did it sustain me or did it sustain me. 'For every piece of bad news I hear, I must strive to hear two pieces of good news'. I thought it was a radical idea, and pondered what it meant. But soon my day turned out to prove that maxim true. I awoke to find a verse sent by a friend in my phone to encourage me about an issue I had been struggling with lately. I claimed the good news by faith. Then I got to work and found someone scolding me anonymously. Haha. Bad news. I was thrown off balance for a while. But I went over to school and wondered how I could face the students feeling the way I did. I bumped into a colleague and soon decided to go to the POP Cafe for a drink. We had a good talk there, not about being scolded but I felt better. Soon I bumped into students with an opportunity to build rapport with. I was ready! Then after lunch hour my colleague called me telling me there was a distress call by a student. I had to go over immediately to assess the situation. It was an issue of relational problems. It was quite a tricky one, and I found myself reminded of some other students also facing similar issues, to which I had no clear insights to offer. It kinda reinforced my hopelessness in dealing with that issue. Began to see the tough side of being a counselor. But as I began to work on my assignment I felt empowered and saw the importance of distinguishing between giving advice and advocating change. Good news. Then another of my friend called me with a distress call and it was a real challenge to stay objective and non-judgmental. In any case, it was bad news to hear my dear friend not coping well. I felt so helpless being unable to share anything that bore weight enough to influence change in the situation. But I soon talked to my other friend and began to untie hidden knots in my own heart. Then during prayer meeting a song was sung that really spoke to my situation and I was able to praise God again. At the end of prayer meeting, Canon broke the news about the death of a sister of my fellow Psalmist. It shook me quite a bit. We prayed with a heavy heart, but still thanked God for bringing her home. Then on my way home I saw a beautiful cat by the pavement. I gave a few clicks with my tongue and approached cautiously. It received me surprisingly well and as I stroked its fur it turned its head and licked my hand! It was so heartwarming. God knows cats have comforted me since primary school. Soon after that I got a pleasant piece of news about a friend's birthday present. It's the little things in life that leave big footprints in our hearts. My point is not to substitute the good news for the bad. My point is to give equal attention to both. Sometimes we are only affected by bad news, and that soon promotes negativity as a way of life. We can be affected by bad news, but when good news comes along, it just might be God's way of telling us, He's still in control. If you think about it carefully, death had lost its sting when Christ died for our sins. And bad news always denotes death or imminent death of some kind; of our dreams, goals, little wants, big wants, relationships, something dear to us. If death has lost its sting and Christ has the final victory, I personally believe it's only right to have more good news going around than we give credit for.

Mantou at 10:43 PM

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Tuesday, April 29, 2008

You got me thinking..

God has this interesting way of getting us started on thinking about the things that really matter, to Him concerning us. Only His mercy could have paved the way for repeated warnings, revelations and exhortations. It is really true that as we continue to search for Him in all that we do - that is, we continue to make sense of everything that is happening around us from His perspective; regardless of how many times we hit brick walls - we will find Him. A lot of people will mistake that making sense of circumstances for disillusionment. I too fell prey to that many times. But as I continue to hit brick walls, God's faithfulness patiently produced in me discernment between the two in my own life. Disillusionment happened in two ways for me. In my bid to make sense of things and see how God fits into the whole picture, I jumped to conclusions based on common teachings and assumptions of Christianity. For example, when my girlfriend broke up with me shortly after I became a Christian, in order to cope with the loss, I spiritualized the happenings and rationalized that God had closed the door on an unhealthy relationship. In order words, I used God to cushion the effects of the loss. Disillusionment also swung to the other extreme for me; that I thought making sense of everything from His perspective was naive; that doing that was being disillusioned.

There is a point when you swing to both extremes so much that you will come full circle and find yourself back where God intended you to get to in the first place. So now I'm back again to considering with God things that really matter to Him concerning me. My views on my family, relationships, financial matters, ministry and how it can bring glory to Him. And it just happened through a series of events: Sunday's sermon, a book I had put aside for the longest time, and daily QT that seemed to speak so relevantly to my situations. His Word is alive and brings life. And His mercy endureth forever. A God of mercy must first have the power to judge righteously before being able to display mercy or mercy would just be a sign of weakness.

Whoa. This post is super preachy. Don't get it wrong. I'm not preaching to my readers but to myself. But I am sharing what I'm preaching to myself to my readers. =) I read this book by John Piper called 'Battling Unbelief' and I like what he wrote about fighting the good fight.

"The great error that I am trying to explode is the error that says, "Faith in God is one thing and the fight for holiness is another thing. You get your justification by faith, and you get your sanctification by works. You start the Christian life in the power of the Spirit, you press on in the efforts of the flesh. The battle for obedience is optional because only faith is necessary for final salvation" ... Faith alone is the instrument that unites us to Christ who is our righteousness and the ground of our justification. But the purity of life that confirms faith's reality is also essential for final salvation, not as the ground for our right standing, but as the fruit and evidence that we are vitally united by faith to Christ who alone is the ground of our acceptance with God."

Lastly, a story from a friend that I thought was so true..

Several years ago, a preacher from out-of-state accepted a call to a
church in Houston , Texas . Some weeks after he arrived, he had an occasion
to ride the bus from his home to the downtown area. When he sat
down, he discovered that the driver had accidentally given him a
quarter too much change.

When his stop came, he paused momentarily at the door, and then
he handed the quarter to the driver and said, "Here, you gave me too much change."
The driver, with a smile, replied, "Aren't you the new preacher
in town?"

"Yes" he replied.

"Well, I have been thinking a lot lately about going somewhere
to worship. I just wanted to see what you would do if I gave you
too much change. I'll see you at church on Sunday."

When the preacher stepped off of the bus, he literally grabbed
the nearest light pole, held on, and said, "Oh God, I almost sold
your Son for a quarter."

Our lives are the only Bible some people will ever read. This is
a really scary example of how much people watch us as Christians,
and will put us to the test! Always be on guard -- and remember --

You carry the name of Christ on your shoulders when you call yourself "Christian."

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

Mantou at 11:42 PM

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Sunday, April 27, 2008

Are there opposites for everything under the sun?

Just wondering about this question as I look back on the day's events. Perhaps the highlight of it was a two second event that led to me thinking about how much life has changed since then. That, my friends, is the power of nostalgia. All that was needed was a glance at a place that bore so much significance yet looked so nondescript. Get the idea? Is the opposite of significance, nondescript? Is the opposite of nostalgia something else? In any case, before the habit of digression gets the better of me, I passed by a place today. Here's what it looks like.


As you can see, it really doesn't look like anything significant. But it was at that very spot (the platform between the stairs) that I trembled and shivered uncontrollably after having been slain and ministered to by the Spirit. This the stairway that leads to and from what was then known as FCBC, now known as Touch Community Services. At that moment, I pondered about what I was doing with my life, and suddenly the thought that had seemed so impossible for so long seemed so feasible; going home. All that I had been going through for the past eleven months away from home had suddenly seemed so futile and redundant. If ever there was a way to experience how the prodigal son felt away from home, this had to be it for me. The memory of it is still as fresh as though it had just happened yesterday. Truth be told, this happened four years ago. Since then, life has never been the same for me. Ironically, where I sought to escape a life that was deemed to be so unbearable and determined to make life never the same again, I had failed miserably and gained nothing but needless pain. When I thought going home meant going back to same oppressive environment, I couldn't have been farther from the truth. The rest is history. Or His Story. And only a God that was so powerful yet more involved in our lives than we could ever imagine would or could be responsible for such orchestration of events. I know I made a mess of His plans for me and my family. In some ways, I still am messing up. Somehow, in some mysterious way, the Beautiful Weaver would still be able to make a tapestry out of it too wonderful to behold.

" But the harder I try the more clearly can I feel
The depth of our fall and the weight of it all
And so this might could be the most impossible thing
Your grandness in me making me clean" David Crowder, Wholly Yours.

"Get out of the way, a revival's coming,
Get out, be on your way, our Redeemer's coming
Let's empty ourselves of ourselves, and let the Spirit fill our lamps" Vincent Wang, Out of the way.

Mantou at 10:10 PM

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Saturday, April 26, 2008

From my devotion.. So true..

Writes Lewis, "If you asked twenty good men today what they thought the highest of the virtues, nineteen of them would reply, Unselfishness. But if you had asked almost any of the great Christians of old, he would have replied, Love. You see what has happened? A negative term has been substituted for a positive, and this is of more than philosophical importance."(1) He goes on to explain the ideologies that grow out of subtle shifts of language. The positive answer requires a perspective that looks outward at others--those who are the recipients of the virtue or else the one from whom this virtue arises in the first place--whereas the negative virtue shows that our concern is primarily with ourselves--our own self-denial--and hence the appearance of good virtue.

Mantou at 10:29 AM

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Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Random Recollections

I find funny things lurking about in my cobweb of memories. Here's just how it looks like. I had a friend once in primary school. His name is Tarvin. He is North Indian. The best way to remember him by is his hooked nose that seemed to be made of rubber, which he loved to push upwards with his palm from time to time. I remember thinking in my young mind if that made it hook more. He was a really sincere fella, even at that age of seven or eight. I remember confiding in him my belief that I had step-parents. That poor guy drank in every word I said about that issue! When asked by a teacher about things happening at home, he helped me to answer, reciting what I said, word for word! Of course, he was also the one that got me into trouble even though he wanted to help. Haha. He must have learned a big lesson on trust back then. I had lied about my situation in order to explain away my naughty behavior. Of course there was more truth in what I said than anyone could believe in the way I was treated, but the fact that I lied made me lost all credibility. Haiz. I learned a big lesson on credibility that day too.

Mantou at 11:25 PM

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Sunday, April 20, 2008

The thanksgiving post

I finally got my results back.. *phew* It's been a cruel wait I tell you.. Here's why.. For this module, I did well for my first assignment, though I could have done better if I had bothered to end my essay with a conclusion. Haha. Then for the second assignment, I spent three nights in the National Library researching and referencing.. And the results took forever to be released as opposed to the first one. When I got that back, I was really happy too cos it was a tough assignment but I managed to do above the class average. Then came the exam, and it was really such a letdown because it looked so tough.. And I didn't even manage to answer the last question properly because I didn't manage to study that part. I had to rely on my own experience in counseling to answer that one. I thought that on the overall, with two assignments doing well and the exam not so well it would have just given me a decent grade.. But as God would graciously have it, I did well for all three! It's really amazing. I look back now, considering the demands of staying committed to both my job and my studies, and think that it must have been a really good dose of God's amazing grace. And thank God for all He's done. He's the best and beats the rest hands down. =)

As a wave offering, here are the results:
1st Assignment: 15.5 / 20
2nd Assignment: 23 / 30
Exam: 41 / 50! this is the most surprising.. It was only two hours given for the paper so had to scramble to make the most of the time given to answer 4 essay questions. Praise God.
Overall Grade: 79.5 / 100 (Another half mark to high distinction)

Mantou at 9:06 PM

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Saturday, April 19, 2008

Song Writing Machine + a Back Log of my Blog

That's what my colleague called me today. =) It's kinda funny. I have never written so many songs in such a short spate of time before. It may be old news for some already, but I really wanna log this down just for future reference. Since I graduated from Tung Ling Bible College last Sept, where I was first inspired to write a song to log my experience with God thus far, I have written another grand total of 6 songs! That brings my repertoire to a total of 9 songs! Each with its own unique flavor and story to tell, right down to the kind of rhythm and style. I realized I can't really publish my lyrics and all cos it wouldn't make sense, and it might just be copyrighted by someone else someday! Haha.. But titles are pretty safe, so here's a list of it, from most recent:

- Out Of The Way
- Now You Live (initially it was called Wild Goose Chase)
- A New Voice
- You Desire
- A House Of Cards
- A Touch Of Grace
- You Gave Your All
- Radical?
- You Are God (你是主)

Haha.. Actually it still doesn't make sense to my readers hor.. Anyway, I realized then that this is really a work of God in my life, just to tide me through this time as a testimony that He is real and that He cares. I hope to share it to people someday, but I pray that the platform that God provides is really for an audience that will be there by divine appointment. If not it would just be a music critique session. May the songs that God used to speak to me speak to others too.

Ok so what's been happening to me? Most of my life has been kept away from the public eye lately huh.. Haha.. So sorry readers. A combination of lack of time, fatigue, closer personal friendships that require genuine sharing and exclusivity has contributed to a lack of personal voice in my blog lately. But life's been pretty exciting lately! Most of you know this already, but just to log it down in my good old fashioned way, I had bought a guitar again this year! What happened to my old one? I gave it away last year to a Sri Lankan classmate from Tung Ling. I know it's being utilized to the best of its ability right now. But I am absolutely in love with my new guitar! I even named it! Ladies and gentlemen, meet Nodame (ノダメ), my ever faithful 'wife' who's been my worthy companion in my songwriting endeavors. The tone produced is so pear-shaped and nice that it just inspires the songs to flow.

Ok the picture doesn't really justify its lustre and all but it really is quite close to the real thing and I'm afraid you'll have to settle for it unless you know me personally. It's recently been fitted with the world-renown pickup system, B-Band, complete with in-built tuner! Boasting high definition Elixir Strings, it really is set to blow the audience away with its perfect tones (Beauty is in the eye of the beholder aye. In this case, it's also in the ears).

What else rocks in my life? Hmm.. Close chumships (apparently 'cheem' english for same gender friendships), been watching wonderful movies like the one I just blogged about, still looking forward to that mid-year trip I mentioned earlier. We gotta sit down and plan this one guys!

What's not so rock but more rocky? Hmm.. When there's a lesson to learn I usually reflect on it and it becomes a song. So until I manage to hold some sort of testimonial concert, it's staying as a song filed in my folder. =) All the best to you exam mugger buggers!

Mantou at 12:57 AM

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Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Whoa whoa yeah yeah..

Haha.. Bring it on! Changes in dynamics at the workplace always resonates through my senses.. I can almost sense the stress and sharp contention that's gonna happen tingle through my skin. Eleventh hour requests that sound like demands, frantic scrambles to put together a program without any inkling what it's supposed to be like; headless chickens are gonna be running all over the place tomorrow! *somewhere far away a cricket creaks*...

Tell me how "do not be anxious but in anything and EVERYTHING, present your requests to God through prayer and petition, with supplication and thanksgiving" is supposed to play out in a situation like this. God just has this thing about letting the odds stack up against Him and coming through in a way only He can.

For the first time in a long long time, we're supposed to plan a welcome tea for those who responded during last week's event. And eventually it'll branch out into weekly sessions to facilitate growth as a believer. Wow. I like the sound of it. But at such short notice? What's the expectation for us then? Was it because we were supposed to do something like that but it was overlooked? Was it because we had a different idea of what works and what doesn't? Was it because from previous experience this works so let's make it happen while the iron is still hot? Perhaps some opportunities can't afford to be lost. This means a sacrifice on our side. I hope this brings the team together to work hand in hand to get something going. Prayer really is the key at this point. I like to be stretched. So I can really learn to depend on God. But are we all on the same page?

Mantou at 10:18 PM

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Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Thankful - Josh Groban

Somedays, we forget to look around us,
Somedays, we can't see the joy that surrounds us,
So caught up inside ourselves,
We take when we should give,
So for tonight we pray for,
What we know can be,
And on this day we hope for,
What we still can't see,
It's up to us, to be the change,
And even though we all can still do more,
There's so much to be thankful for,
Look beyond ourselves,
There's so much sorrow,
It's way to late to say, I'll cry tomorrow
Each of us must find our truth,
It's so long overdue,

So for tonight we pray for,
What we know can be,
And everyday, we hope for,
What we still can't see,
It's up to us, to be the change,
And even though we all can still do more,
There's so much to be thankful for,
Even with our differences,
There is a place were all connected,
Each of us can find each others light,
So for tonight, we pray for
What we know can be,
And on this day, we hope for,
What we still can't see,
It's up to us, to be the change,
And even though this world can still do so much more
There's so much to be thankful for.

Mantou at 10:45 PM

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Sunday, March 30, 2008

The Best I've Seen Since Patch Adams

I don't usually do reviews unlike my dear bro Roy, but this movie deserves every ounce and more of the literary creative juice that ebbs and flows through this body of mine. =) Truly one of the best movies I've seen since Patch Adams, it was a pleasant surprise given the fact that it was on impulse that Kyohei and me decided to catch a movie.

A Synopsis

To keep it short and sweet, a rich man (Edward Cole, played by Jack Nicholson) who owns hospitals contracts cancer and is admitted to his own hospital, where he is warded in the same ward as Carter Chambers (played by Morgan Freeman), who suffers the same fate as him. When they both realize they have barely a year left to live, they decided to embark on a mission to fulfill their wishlist before they kick the bucket. To quote the movie, the bucket list left them with their 'eyes closed but their hearts open'.

My two cents' worth

Funny, comical, wisecracking in all its geriatric humor, inspirational and clever all at the same time, The Bucket List, with its all-star cast of two of Hollywood's most influential actors of all time, is a must watch approved for all audiences.

The Cast

First up, Morgan Freeman. Acting as God in the last two sequels of the Almighty series, Bruce and Evan Almighty, seem to have prepared him for this part as a wise and loving Christian Grandpa. Cast as a mechanic by occupation, he is portrayed as a humble family man who gave up his ambition for the sake of his family. He never gave up his pursuit for knowledge though, and the richness and depth of his wisdom was cleverly woven in through his witty replies and love for a trivia game show, in which he always got the answers correct. Some of his lines are in fact quote-worthy, like this one: "Stars are like little holes on the floor of heaven". Ok, at this point I can't be sure if it was said to him or by him, but it's cool all the same. =) And he has many other cool quotes. So there.

Up next, Jack Nicholson. It seems a Hollywood formula to have contradicting roles that would end up complimenting each other so well. Or maybe that's the way life goes. Like Morgan Freeman, he is also not much different from the him that was cast in 'Something's gotta give' and 'As good as it gets'. In fact, I'm starting to think the epitome of acting is to get so comfortable with being yourself that your personality becomes the stuff movies are made of. Like Sean Connery and Harrison Ford and maybe even Jackie Chan. =) In his own words, Jack Nicholson is cast as one who 'likes getting married but also likes being single and has a hard time doing both at the same time'. He plays the one with the bravado of a teenager and suggests things like skydiving and getting a tattoo, or even kissing the most beautiful girl in the world (which has a lovely twist at the end!). Contributing largely to the hilarious in the movie, one can't help but laugh even when it's supposed to be a pitiful part of the movie like him feeling lonely even with all the girls he could hire.

The Art of the Movie

With such colorful characters, it takes meticulous effort to weave in lovely touches such as those portrayed in the movie. The ending was swift and surging, with the beauty and magnificence of a butterfly taking flight when it is fully grown. The filmakers, being artists in their own right, brings the audience through a myriad of emotions, sometimes even contrasting ones in the same scene. Watch for yourself and define those moments for yourself. It would do injustice to the movie to reveal them to those who potentially have yet to watch it. On the overall, as New York Times would put it, "Two Thumbs Up!"

Mantou at 11:15 PM

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Sunday, March 23, 2008

This is what JC jokes are all about.. Hmm..

'The lightbulb joke'
Q: How many RJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 4 whole faculties. One to design the new bulb, one to manufacture and test it out, one to write a proposal on it and one to market it.

Q: How many HCJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The whole school. To compete with RJC.

Q: How many VJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The whole school. One student to screw it in and the rest to cheer and wave flags and banners to give him/her support.

Q: How many NJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They can study without light.

Q: How many AJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They're too busy trying to be one of the top 5 JCs.

Q: How many ACJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They'll rather use all their money to employ YJC to do it for them.

Q: How many YJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Only one teacher to tell them what a light bulb is in the first place and to demonstrate how to change the light bulb. (So how do you think they're able to change it for ACJC?)

Q: How many CJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They'll prefer it to be darker. (Hmmmm?*raises eye-brows* )

Q: How many JJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Their physics is so bad that they made their macho male physics teacher cry.

Q: How many TPJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Would they even bother?

Q: How many SAJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They believe in praying for it.

Q: How many NYJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They are still using oil lamps.

Q: How many SRJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Huh, what litebarb?

Q: How many PJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Heck the light bulb lah, the principal would do something about the rightbarbs. Let's do 300 jumping jacks for not wearing the proper school attire.

Q: How many MJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They are too busy trying to get promoted.

Q: How many IJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They are Innovians. They'll find ways out of the dark.

Q: How many TJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They think they are already very bright.

Mantou at 9:24 PM

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Thursday, March 20, 2008

Via Dolorosa - Way of suffering

Down the Via Dolorosa in Jerusalem that day
The soldiers tried to clear the narrow street
But the crowd pressed in to see
The Man condemned to die on Calvary

He was bleeding from a beating, there were stripes upon His back
And He wore a crown of thorns upon His head
And He bore with every step
The scorn of those who cried out for His death

Down the Via Dolorosa called the way of suffering
Like a lamb came the Messiah, Christ the King,
But He chose to walk that road out of
His love for you and me.
Down the Via Dolorosa, all the way to Calvary.

Por la Via Dolorosa, triste dia en Jerusalem
Los saldados le abrian paso a Jesus
Mas la gente se acercaba
Para ver al que llevaba aquella cruz

Por la Via Dolorosa, que es la via del dolor
Como oveja vino Cristo, Rey, Senor
Y fue El quien quiso ir por su amor por ti y por mi
Por la Via Dolorosa al Calvario y a morir

The blood that would cleanse the souls of all men
Made its way through the heart of Jerusalem.

Down the Via Dolorosa called the way of suffering
Like a lamb came the Messiah, Christ the King
But He chose to walk that road out of His love for you and me
Down the Via Dolorosa, all the way to Calvary.

Mantou at 10:40 PM

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Friday, March 14, 2008

The World Today

Can you solve this riddle?

Here is a pretty neat little thing from Paul Harvey. See if you can guess the riddle at the end.

Paul Harvey Writes:

We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better.
I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would.

I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated.
I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car.
And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.

It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep.

I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.

I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room,but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him.

When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him/her.
I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.

On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom.

If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one.
I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.

When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head.

I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy\girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like.

May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.

I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it.. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend.

I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle.

May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.

I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Hannukah/Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.

These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life.

Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. I'm here for you. And if I die before you do, I'll go to heaven and wait for you.

Send this to all of your friends. We secure our friends, not by accepting favors, but by doing them.

Paul Harvey RIDDLE:

When asked this riddle, 80% of kindergarten kids got the answer, compared to 17% of Stanford University seniors.

What is greater than God, More evil than the devil, The poor have it, The rich need it, And if you eat it, you'll die?

Mantou at 11:31 PM

1 comments

Sunday, March 09, 2008

The Difference

Science and God

'Let me explain the problem science has with Jesus Christ.' The atheist
professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his
new students to stand.

'You're a Christian, aren't you, son?'

'Yes sir,' the student says.

'So you believe in God?'

'Absolutely.'

'Is God good?'

'Sure! God's good.'

'Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?'

'Yes.'

'Are you good or evil?'

'The Bible says I'm evil.'

The professor grins knowingly. 'Aha! The Bible!' He considers for a
moment.

'Here's one for you. Let's say there's a sick person over here and you
can cure him. You can do it. Would you help him? Would you try?'

'Yes sir, I would.'

'So you're good...!'

'I wouldn't say that.'

'But why not say that? You'd help a sick and maimed person if
you could. Most of us would if we could. But God doesn't.'

The student does not answer, so the professor continues. 'He
doesn't, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer, even
though he prayed to Jesus to heal him How is this Jesus good? Hmmm? Can
you answer that one?'

The student remains silent.

'No, you can't, can you?' the professor says. He takes a sip of
water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax.

'Let's start again, young fella Is God good?'

'Er...yes,' the student says.

'Is Satan good?'

The student doesn't hesitate on this one. 'No.'

'Then where does Satan come from?'

The student : 'From...God...'

'That's right. God made Satan, didn't he? Tell me, son. Is there
evil in this world?'

'Yes, sir.'

'Evil's everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything,
correct?'

'Yes.'

'So who created evil?' The professor continued, 'If God created
everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to
the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil.'

Without allowing the student to answer, the professor continues:
'Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible
things, do they exist in this world?'

The student: 'Yes.'

'So who created them?'

The student does not answer again, so the professor repeats his
question. 'Who created them? There is still no answer. Suddenly the
lecturer breaks away to pace in front of the classroom. The class is
mesmerized.

'Tell me,' he continues onto another student. 'Do you believe in
Jesus Christ, son?'

The student's voice is confident: 'Yes, professor, I do.'

The old man stops pacing. 'Science says you have five senses you
use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen
Jesus?'

'No sir. I've never seen Him'

'Then tell us if you've ever heard your Jesus?'

'No, sir, I have not.'

'Have you ever actually felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or
smelt your Jesus? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Jesus
Christ, or God for that matter?'

'No, sir, I'm afraid I haven't.'

'Yet you still believe in him?'

'Yes.'

'According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable
protocol, science says your God doesn't exist. What do you say to that,
son?'

'Nothing,' the student replies. 'I only have my faith.'

'Yes, faith,' the professor repeats. 'And that is the problem
science has with God. There is no evidence, only faith.'

The student stands quietly for a moment, before asking a
question of his own. 'Professor, is there such thing as heat?'

'Yes,' the professor replies. 'There's heat.'

'And is there such a thing as cold?'

'Yes, son, there's cold too.'

'No sir, there isn't.'

The professor turns to face the student, obviously interested.
The room suddenly becomes very quiet. The student begins to explain.

'You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat,
mega-heat, unlimited heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat, but we
don't have anything called 'cold'. We can hit up to 458 degrees below
zero, which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is
no such thing as cold; otherwise we would be able to go colder than the
lowest -458 degrees. Every body or object is susceptible to study when
it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have
or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-458 F) is the total absence of heat.
You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of
heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units
because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the
absence of it.'

Silence across the room. A pen drops somewhere in the classroom,
sounding like a hammer.

'What about darkness, professor. Is there such a thing as
darkness?'

'Yes,' the professor replies without hesitation. 'What is night
if it isn't darkness?'

'You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something; it is the
absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright
light, flashing light, but if you have no light constantly you have
Nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? That's the meaning we use to
define the word. In reality, darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able
to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?'

The professor begins to smile at the student in front of him.
This will be a good semester. 'So what point are you making, young man?'

'Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is
flawed to start with, and so your conclusion must also be flawed.'

The professor's face cannot hide his surprise this time.
'Flawed? Can you explain how?'

'You are working on the premise of duality,' the student
explains. 'You argue that there is life and then there's death; a good
God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something
finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a
thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much
less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life
is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive
thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it.'

'Now tell me, professor. Do you teach your students that they
evolved from a monkey?'

'If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young
man, yes, of course I do'

'Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?'

The professor begins to shake his head, still smiling, as he
realizes where the argument is going. A very good semester, indeed.

'Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work
and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you
not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a
preacher?'

The class is in uproar. The student remains silent until the
Commotion has subsided.

'To continue the point you were making earlier to the other
student, let me give you an example of what I mean.'

The student looks around the room. 'Is there anyone in the class
who has ever seen the professor's brain?' The class breaks out into
laughter.

'Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor's brain,
felt the professor's brain, touched or smelled the professor's brain? No
one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of
empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no
brain, with all due respect, sir. So if science says you have no brain,
how can we trust your lectures, sir?'

Now the room is silent. The professor just stares at the
student, his face unreadable.

Finally, after what seems an eternity, the old man answers. 'I
guess you'll have to take them on faith.'

'Now, you accept that there is faith, and, in fact, faith exists
with life,' the student continues. 'Now, sir, is there such a thing as
evil?'

Now uncertain, the professor responds, 'Of course, there is. We
see it everyday. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man.
It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world.
These manifestations are nothing else but evil.'

To this the student replied, 'Evil does not exist sir, or at
least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God.
It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe
the absence of God.

God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when
man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold
that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there
is no light.'

The professor sat down.


--
I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else. - C. S. Lewis

Mantou at 8:05 PM

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Tuesday, March 04, 2008

I must be daft

You know how it is with spicy stuff; how you absolutely love it (if you do) but how it just is made to spark a chemical reaction in you? That's how it is with my life sometimes. Just can't help but add some spice into my life from time to time. And this time, I'm doing so by taking part in Stardust 08! Call me crazy! This is how I felt two years ago in the Army when I auditioned to go for the Next Wave Musical Auditions. (Check my older post dated 06 April 2oo6 to find out more!) And now I dived into another performance audition! This time it's for a singing competition organized by NUS business sch. I am pretty crazy huh. Never gone solo before. It's much much tougher than auditioning for a bit part or to be part of a team. But then I thought, this competition is for those aged 16 to 25 only. If I miss it this time, I won't be able to join anymore next year. Not that it matters but it's one of those motivating factors to go crazy. I think this is really a crazy year for me. I'm taking part in a singing competition, planning to go overseas mid year, and taking part in the StanChart marathon! Once again, a year of many firsts.. And perhaps last. Youth and all its gungho-ness is fleeting past. Making up for lost time can only mean you will appear crazy to many people. =)

Mantou at 10:26 PM

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Monday, March 03, 2008

An overdue update..

Wassup readers.. As much as I would have loved to be more active in this blog it simply was not possible because I was handicapped from being online at home! Don't ask me why. I'm back anyhow, and you can expect regular updates once more. =)

I can't really know where to begin, I feel like I've been gone a long while. But life has been pretty interesting and much has happened since I bailed out. Perhaps one of the timeless principles that has been reinforced lately is honesty in relationships. It's the best policy, and to whom you can be completely honest with, cherish it cos it's a real blessing. Of course, I'm not advocating that you do so based on feelings. A trust that is earned through no other way but quality time and mutual respect is the prerequisite to that kind of transparency that does not threaten the relationship but strengthens it. I'm just so thankful that God has given me such kind of friends to whom I can truly confide in. They watch your growth, support your cause, lend a listening ear, give you access to speak into their lives, reveal your vulnerabilities only to subject it to growth, in short, loving you in the way God is loving them.

I'm sorry to be indulgent in the way I speak about my faith. Not that I'm making apologies for it, but I do want to be sensitive to readers who are of a different faith or belong to no particular faith. But this is the way I feel about my life, so do bear with me. In any case, I'm learning to love God right now, as I have always been, but in a deeper way this time, and I pray I will discover how this Father child relationship is played out in reality between me and God. Watch out for updates if you're interested how that works. =)

NOTE: If you have pressed pause on the IMEEM feature on the top left corner of my blog, pls press play to hear this amazing song about being Speechless at the marvelous works of God. Enjoy.

Mantou at 11:49 PM

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Thursday, January 31, 2008

Life.Time.You.Define.

Wow. It's been a long time since I properly blogged and updated this space. Absence is a good thing once in a while. It means a break from the usual routine. And in that break from your usual routine you find that you suddenly learn a lot. When time finally becomes yours again you sit and contemplate and find you have shifted your paradigm. In the short span of one month you pretty much fall into a new routine for the new year. You learn about what to expect and how to cope with the new changes (if any). For me, this new year saw the introduction of a new commitment which requires the giving up of some old ones. Like many others, I am moving one step towards my destiny; the course in counseling has started. It's been pretty fun. 'Cept for the fact that I become a social recluse in the class cos I just don't have the intention to go all out and make new friends in that short period. But my coursemates are really nice people, I discovered. I don't have to try hard to be a friend to them. All of them are outgoing by nature. I am one of the few gentlemen in class once again.

You know what, I really must make plans to go on a holiday getaway this year!! Target: Mid-year. Destination: Somewhere sightseeing worthy with a new perspective on life to offer. Budget: $1000. Duration: 7 days. Hold me to it people! On the other hand, there are so many places in Singapore that we locals have yet to discover. The other day the chopstick duo were at Basheer Graphics and stumbled on this local guide book that had so many interesting places featured! You know, one thing I have learned about life is this. You've got to develop your own unique taste for it. It's like food, there are times you just have to eat even when you don't feel like it or you will never grow properly. But there are times when mealtimes are a leisure and you get to choose your own course and cuisine. And at that point, you have to develop your own taste. Find out for yourself what's hot and what's not. And every once in a while take time off to enjoy good food with good company. So in life, we have to find out what whets our appetite for it or the days will soon be drab and boring.

Mantou at 8:24 PM

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Saturday, January 12, 2008

How, you say?

The world asks: 'How can you mend a broken heart?'

God asks in return: 'How can I not mend a broken heart?'

Mantou at 10:41 AM

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Thursday, January 03, 2008

Dear Blog, Happy New Year.

What's this new year thing all about anyway? It seems to me that people all around have become more reflective as this new year kicks off. Yes, it indeed smells like it's gonna be a special year ahead. =)
The start of a new year always requires some inventory of the last year, be it with resolution or without, cos it's no doubt that in some areas you have grown, and in others you might just be right where you started, or even worst, you might have taken a few steps back. If you don't take the time to reflect now, you could just continue to slide into deterioration.
2007. What a year it's been. From the start to the end, one word describes it. Eventful. I can't say I've grown as much in the previous years as I have last year. Perhaps, without even realizing it, fruits that were being nurtured over the last few years were starting to bear fruit last year. It was a time of thorough weeding, where all the ambiguous areas of my life were singled out and challenged for change. It was a time of nourishment as well, for many people were put into my life to feed me with His love and care, as well as His ways and measures. I can't thank God and these people enough. You cared enough to go the way with me. Thanks God. Thank you, Body of Christ. I have my fair share of regrets as well, but will always live to learn the lessons it has taught me.
2008. What kind of a year is it going to be like? Frankly speaking, I like the way it started. But it does seem like diligence is the key to being effective this year, if I have already received God's blessing last year. There have been many things that have been kickstarted this year. Studies, responsibilities, opportunities for ministry and growth. Chances to put into practice the things I had learned the year before. It's gonna be a year of implementations, if I am not wrong. I don't like the sound of that, to a certain extent. It always sounds to me like it'd mean there remains much room for mistakes. Someone once told me that when you discover something is not good just make adjustments. I like that principle. I hope I can carry out this year. Cos it seems to me like a year of skill sharpening. It's not a year of 'blur' inspired mistakes, but there's room for making mistakes I should have known better than to make it. I will be humbled before Thy holy ways. God grant me the strength to persevere through trials that serve to sanctify and teach dependence on You alone.

Mantou at 12:24 AM

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Friday, December 21, 2007

An Invitation

To all my dear readers, you are invited to come and experience a meaningful program this Christmas Eve filled with a few laughs, touching songs, and the reason for the season. Do contact me at vincent_nicodemus@yahoo.com.sg if you would like to come and don't noe how. For those who noe me personally, ring me at my mobile. Hope to see you there!

Mantou at 12:25 PM

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Saturday, December 15, 2007

Trivia Revealed

*Er-hem* It appears people are either reading my post but not responding or not reading at all. Haha. No matter, just here to reveal the answer anyway. =) Re-look at the post before this for the answer.

Apart from that, I really think the old songs are really the ones that strike a chord in me. I wish more artistes would do more covers of the old songs. With the contemporary instruments and recording equipment these songs can be given new life. Here's the lyrics to my ear candy at the moment.

"What the World Needs Now" - Burt Bacharach and the Posies
What the world needs now is love, sweet love
It's the only thing that there's just too little of
What the world needs now is love, sweet love,
No not just for some but for everyone.

What the world needs now is love, sweet love
It's the only thing that there's just too little of
What the world needs now is love, sweet love,
No, not just for some but for everyone.

Lord, we don't need another mountain,
There are mountains and hillsides enough to climb
There are oceans and rivers enough to cross,
Enough to last till the end of time.

What the world needs now is love, sweet love
No, not just for some but for everyone.

What the world needs now is love, sweet love
It's the only thing that there's just too little of
What the world needs now is love, sweet love,
No, not just for some, oh, but just for
Every, every, everyone.

Mantou at 11:05 PM

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Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Trivia Time!

Here's some interesting fun facts:
- Some of the everyday items we have today would not have been around if someone didn't first invent it. There are names attached to things we use everyday like clothes pegs and safety pins! But first, let me ask a question, before telling you more about our everyday items.

Arrange these items in chronological order of invention (i.e which you think was first invented)

Mantou at 12:39 AM

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Sunday, December 02, 2007

The 100th Post, The Birthday Post - The year of many firsts..

It's the 100th post! I can't believe I've been blogging for so long.. Hee..

Well like I said, I didn't want to waste my monumental post on some nonsense post, so I've saved it for my birthday, and threw in a little something extra. A new outlook, as well as a song that I composed and sang. This song I wanna share with all my friends because their friendship that they freely gave to me was what made me open my eyes to see how much God has given to me. Slowly unraveling my self-protected areas, the friendships patiently offered to me in many ways helped me to see God in a wholesome way. What was in the head finally got through to a heart once barricaded against the love of God. Thus the song's melody and color. I wanna apologize if it's a earsore but do excuse the amateur voice quality. Still I wanna thank God for giving me the opportunity to record it at my friend's place. Credits to Alvin Chen for giving me this as a birthday gift.

This is indeed the year of many firsts. Readers who are patient enough do read on for a testimony of how the turning point of my life has reached a milestone here.

For as long as I can remember, due to my background (or rather to response to my circumstances), I coveted friendships and significance and tried all ways and means to get it. I tried to become popular by making a name for myself as a singer (this was way back in Sec Sch mind you), but that attempt failed miserably because fame was not a criterion in meaningful friendships. Besides, I was quickly pushed aside by someone else more capable than I was. I tried to gain sympathy from people. I figured if I was pitiful enough I could get people to care for me. My conscience went down hard on me at that time. I could never forget how hurt my friend was at my taking advantage of him. I don't think I learned my lesson fully in that light, but I also tried something else. I tried to be the nicest guy around. And that meant going the extra mile for everybody who needed help. I thought if I could achieve that probably people would be my friend cause they were "indebted" to me. The problem was that those who could truly have meaningful relationships with you would not be "indebted" to you. I was attracting the wrong crowd. There were many other things I tried but these were the major thrusts in my endeavor to win friendships and significance in people's lives. I have nothing to be proud of in my track record. But I finally reached the end of myself, and began to learn to obey God and His teaching, correcting, rebuking and convicting. It was a long process, with many falls along the way, but He was really patient with me. Most of all, He was really assuring all the way. Now that I look back, I can really agree with His word that says 'no discipline seems pleasant at the time', but the fruits that it bears are sweet to the soul.

Today, at this juncture, I can't say that it's any of my credit that I have made the kind of friendships that I've made today. It's really by the grace of God that has taught me how to live, and is still teaching me now as I'm typing. I'll never be perfect, but that puts me in the perfect position to lean on His wisdom and love as I work out the issues of life, love and friendships.

I know that in my journey I have hurt many people in many ways. It's a humbling fact. As much as possible I hope I will be forgiven by them, not so much for my sake, but for their own. But I'm not in the position to say much on that.

Still, there are also others who have seen God's love flow through from me to them. It's been my honor to be used by God for those opportunities that presented itself, and I'm glad to have found a friend in some of them whom I've helped at some point in their lives.

There are also others who have seen God's love flow through from them to me. I am eternally grateful for the step of obedience you took and for the act of love willingly done. You guys know who you are, and I know who you guys are. =) If not for you I would not get to where I am today. Special mention made to Mark Tho, Lung Wenzheng, Trina, Yoke Fong, Family in Mkkadesh Cell, TLBC Classmates, last but never least, my dear bro Royston.

Cheers to you all, here's a milestone in my life, at 24 years old.

Mantou at 11:05 PM

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Tuesday, November 20, 2007

And ask and you shell receive..

Mantou at 12:08 AM

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Monday, November 19, 2007

Don't you wish you had a com like this..

Mantou at 11:58 PM

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What a close shave..

I am so glad I took a pic of the Wordplay last night! When I walked past it again today, it was down already! You won't always noe what you've missed but when you get an opportunity to capture a moment don't let it slip past man. It won't always be there for you. Haha..

Mantou at 11:48 PM

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Sunday, November 18, 2007

It's only words

Sometimes it's amazing how little things amuse me. But I like the wall at the walkway to Esplanade. From time to time they always display interesting art. This is another of my pet fave; wordplay. Some other day when I'm free I shall attempt to post one combi as well. It's therapeutic sometimes. =) For now, I just am here to blog. The week's over, a new one's beginning. Soon the year will be over and a new one will be ushered in. How time flies. Next week is a week to gear up at work. I have a feeling that this week is for next week. Haha.. As in this week's rest and fun was to prepare me for a crazy week up ahead. I take comfort in the fact that I'm not the only coining next week as crazy. Practically half my cell is taking exams, and another half my friends outside are in the same boat too. Haha.. Let's all get through the week! Full steam ahead! Keep the pace people! We can do it if we try. We can ace it if we pray. So cheerleader hor.. Can't stand it.

Mantou at 11:12 PM

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Friday, November 16, 2007

Food for thought; gastronomic analogy

"In Life, we basically digest experience; we walk through it, take it in, use what is useful, and eliminate the waste." How People Grow, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Mantou at 10:54 PM

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Wednesday, November 14, 2007

The controversy of truth

Is God Schizophrenic? Why All Religions Cannot Point to God

Understanding the Law of Non-Contradiction

By Joseph Mattera

September 2006

Just the other day, I was having a conversation with someone regarding Christianity. He told me that all the religions of the world were true and equally pointed to God, and that he thought it absurd and arrogant for anyone to think that their religion was the one true religion. To this I responded by telling him that the statement "there are no absolutes" is itself an absolute statement. Thus, he really did believe in absolutes (the person was stunned by this answer and had no reply). You see, it is impossible to escape from the concept of absolutism; it’s only a matter of what absolutes a particular person believes in.

Furthermore, I told this person that his God must be schizophrenic if all religions point to Him, because all major religious belief systems have major fundamental differences between them. For example, both Islam and Christianity can’t both be true, because Christianity teaches that Jesus as God the Son died on the cross for the sins of the world, while Islam teaches that Jesus was merely a great prophet (not divine) and didn’t really die on the cross. To believe that all religions are true and equally point to God would be as foolish as saying there is no difference between a coke bottle and a ballpoint pen! If you really believe this, then logic would also dictate that you don’t believe there is right and wrong. Thus someone can come up to you and slap you in the face without any objection, because there really are no absolutes!

Moral relativism is really only a poor excuse to live in a world without accountability to a holy God, while at the same time believing in absolutes when it is convenient and beneficial (like trusting in the good morality of a salesperson when you buy a product and being outraged when you find out the product is a lemon!). Relativists have to borrow from the Christian worldview every time they experience a sense of right and wrong and do good works for fellow humans!

I have found that the greatest proof of the divine inspiration of the Bible is the fact that its laws and precepts perfectly point to the reality of the created order, while all other religious faiths and systems break down at the intellectual, emotional, moral, and spiritual levels.

Jesus said that He is the way, the truth and the life, and that no one can come to the Father except through Him (John 14:7). Jesus was the most narrow-minded human being the world has ever seen (read Matthew 7:13-14), whose incarnation bridged the gap between humanity and the mystery of God. (Jesus perfectly modeled the balance between compassion and truth.) In the past, knowledge of God was revealed in shadows and types. But now, God’s knowledge has clearly been manifest in Christ. His vicarious death on the cross as the God/Man paid the penalty for the sins of the world, reconciled all of creation back to the Father, while His resurrection imparted eternal life to all who believe in Him. This is something Buddha, Mohammed, Confucius, and all other great religious leader can never say they accomplished for their followers.

Mantou at 4:23 PM

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Monday, November 12, 2007

tongue in cheek

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Mantou at 10:51 PM

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Thursday, November 08, 2007

first cut is the deepest

WARNING: THE POST YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ CONTAINS BRUTAL HONESTY. INTERNAL DISCRETION IS STRONGLY ADVISED. ONLY SUITABLE FOR CERTAIN AUDIENCES.

Self examination, by far, is perhaps the toughest examination one could ever take. Forget year end stress, A levels, ECAs, wat have yous.. Those are still considered minute next to this. Before I get bombed by readers going through exam stress, let me explain. I am not going through any formal exam in this season. Not yet, at least. What I am going through, however, I'd rather trade formal exams for it. At least it only tires your intellectual abilities, and you can find solace in many forms of de-stressing techniques. Not so for self-examinations. They tire your whole being, and there's no way to escape from yourself now is there?

And what's more, you can't ever prepare from self-exams! They just happen to you, especially if you're introspective by nature. Anything could trigger it, but failures would be the one catalyst proved to be the most effective. So you fail in order to take the exam. How amusing.

First cut is the deepest. It's truer than it first appears. I find that after I realized that my dad is not who he made himself out to be, and denies who he really is, the disappointment that comes with it resonates with everything or everyone else that gives me that same sense. In fact, I begin to develop a fear or a dread that people in general are like that, and lo and behold, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Whatever you try to prove right would in the end be right to you. God already warned us; the way of a man seems right in his eyes but God weighs the heart. I can't even carry out a proper conversation without that nagging sense of disappointment in the people I dearly love from time to time, when they share what appears to me to be worldly pursuits, or faulty beliefs. It resonates the sense of helplessness that I feel with my parents' issues. It resonates that sense of false responsibility; perhaps it's my fault, I should have done this or that. I have formed a statement in my mind that has shaped my worldview; a question, really. 'Why is it that people are always blind to something that is harmful to them?' I even apply that question to myself.

If I don't deal with the root issue about my disappointment with my dad, I guess my worldview would never change, and the way I interact with people will forever remain the same. On the contrary, what does it look like on the other side?

Mantou at 10:15 PM

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Sunday, November 04, 2007

My secret pastime revealed

Since I have been posting so much text based entries, thought I'd liven it up a bit by displaying some of my artwork that I've been working on recently. It's called vector art, and since I discovered it this year I've been experimenting on different designs and inspiration and trying to get familiarized with the techniques. This is my third piece of artwork only, so excuse its amateurish look. In my free time this is how I unwind, apart from the sports that I do. Honestly it's the only thing my computer is good for. I tried installing games but it didn't ever work. Maybe it's a blessing. I've never been a gamer.

Ok, that aside, I went to my TLBC classmate's church today, Bethesda Bedok Tampines Church (hope I got it right). They had just built a new building and were holding a thanksgiving service. It was truly an awesome time of worship. Really refreshing. I went down after a cell fellowship over karaoke, and while the fellowship was fun, there was definitely a marked difference in the way the songs were sung. The place was really huge to me, and the sound system (rigged by another classmate of mine) was really good, save for the muffled drums. Most importantly, the vibrant worship atmosphere was really encouraging and I truly thank God for giving me this opportunity to look around at other churches and see how He is moving in the big picture.

Working chronologically backwards, was at karaoke with my cell today. Albeit it was a bit of a rush cos we spent too much time at SMU, I thought it was quite a relaxing time. Warren Country Club has good rates for karaoke. =) Sang all the old school songs, while Chris and Alvin sang all the high pitched happening Chinese pop. Esther did her debut single, wo yuen yi wei ni. It got a much deserved round of applause. Linfeng went Old School MLTR today. Not bad! Guorong won the Best Lyrics Assistant of the day, when all who couldn't sing cos they couldn't read the chinese words were saved by his chinese prowess. Haha. I restrained from choosing the oldies today cos I realized the MTVs were really nothing worth watching. Haha. So I sang the chinese songs that I learned back in secondary school. XD

Before that we were at SMU and they had a weekend bazaar fair today! My best catch? Peanuts Comic at 3 dollars. heh. The book stall owner had quite a good selection of books. Some christian ones too, which surprised me. The next fair he will be at will be on the 15th to 25th Nov, at Bras Basah Complex. I just might visit it again.

Right, that's all the time I have today. =) Check back soon. Oh, it's raining outside. The air feels nice and cool when there are night rains. Looking forward to sleeping soundly tonight.

Mantou at 11:08 PM

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Monday, October 29, 2007

Hey Mr DJ, Do the emo thing.. ( a psalm of sorts)

I am so frustrated tonight.

A talk with my cell members uncovered a can of worms.
My relationship with my dad.

I gotta admit I am so disappointed in him and am feeling so helpless about his situation that I know I can never be the one to get him out of it cos he got himself into it, and I can never change him to do what he should do as a father. I am wondering why I can't ever say thanks to him for being a good father n being supportive and doing all the things he did and that I really appreciate him.

Why do I have to say things like I forgive him for hurting me and neglecting me and making use of me and never seeing me as a son but as a tool to churn out the money that he needs to get through his debt situation and disappointing me all the time cause he could never see what I do as out of love?!

This is outrageous! I can't believe I held back so much emotions about this issue! If I hadn't taken time to ponder these things on my own (thanks be to God for providing the opportunity to blade at east coast through the night breeze.. It does something to you), I wouldn't have discovered I have a whole case against him! I wish I could tell him all of this but what's the use? He'd never understand and he'd never think he has neglected his responsibility. I mean I could say these things to him if I were the one to create him and give him life but as it is, I'm only another created being who is made by the same Creator who made my dad. And as far as I am concerned, the very notion of justice was created by Him too so who am I to question? I rest my case.

If the Creator chooses to judge with tender mercies I can only marvel at how much it takes to reach my dad. His mercies are inexhaustive and outlasts even a person's lifespan. The God of love would rather cost Himself than to infringe on a person's free will to choose to respond to His mercies. That, my friends, is why we worship Him.

Quote of the day: "When man's depravity meets God's divinity, it's a beautiful collision." -David Crowder

Mantou at 12:13 AM

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Friday, October 26, 2007

Of Mice and Men

As a young boy I once read a story of a man with normal IQ but the heart of a villian making use of a dim-witted mentally impaired man with the heart of an angel to commit a crime. The conclusion was that the guy with the normal IQ became changed while having to look after his accomplice because he couldn't fend for himself. It's a nice story. Kids nowadays don't have much nice stories to read.

I keep bumping into this old man on my way to school in the mornings. My heart stirs every time I see him. He has sun-beaten, weathered complexion and half his scalp is shiny, and the other half is crowned with fine whitish hair. From one side it looks like a Mohawk. His face sinks in where it shouldn't in certain places and protrudes where it shouldn't in others. I always see him at work with his bicycle. Wraps cardboard strips around the wheel rim of the back tyre. It always draws my curiosity because I wonder why his front tyre looks perfectly fine but the back would have to be so heavily modified. I didn't manage to catch a good picture of him cos I kinda took it in secret. In that same area where he sits, the stray cats have called it their home. He shares that home with them.

I can't help but wonder what could have led to the circumstances he is in today. He could have been anything from a high flyer to a coolie; I'd never know. He is now stuck in a world of unwrapping and wrapping the back tyre of his bicycle. Where is his family? I once caught him biting at the cardboard he uses. Does he eat them too? This old man is really a mystery and might remain so for me.

In any case he has no idea how just by meeting him and watching him live his life made me rethink my life principles. Like the guy in the story book my heart is slowly being changed just by these strange encounters. I don't think that once I get 'there', means I get 'there' and that's it. No more tears. Not so. Life isn't over until God says it's over.

Mantou at 11:32 PM

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Saturday, October 20, 2007

Tis' also the season to be questioning..

Can I be cliche and ask that cliche question? 'What is Life?'

I ask that, knowing that there are really questions that don't come with answers.

Sometimes I have to admit. I don't have it all made out. I don't have my life in perfect order. I have, in fact, a lot of loose ends. Things I can't make sense of. And from time to time that bugs me.

Not So Nice to meet you, Doubt. I can't handle conversations with you. I can't handle your 'if-then why' questions. But I'll ask God about it. He's got His two cents' worth for you. Just read the last few chapters of Job.

Neh.

Mantou at 10:54 PM

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Thursday, October 18, 2007

Hmm...

I'm sitting in front of my com with the intention to blog.. But nothing substantial is churned out!!

They said writing is generative.. I'm being obedient here.. Jus typing to see if something starts flowing.. Because I feel the need to log in some of my developments and insights but I don't know where to begin..

Ok. I know. I am quite surprised at my sense of humor, or candidness (if there ever is such a word). It's like I feel like I look at life with a rainbow tinted lens and it's not that hard to see the humor in it anymore. I hope I'm not causing envy here cos it's not that life is particularly good nowadays. Well I got a lot to give thanks for but I sure have my fair share of trials and tribulations.
でも心にへ安があります。But I have peace in my heart.

My worldview has changed too. When you realize there's a Sovereign God in control of it somehow things don't hit you so hard. You no longer feel like the world is crumbling down on you. You may be surprised but I once behaved like the world would be crumbling down tomorrow.. Everything must be done today. Any idea that I think about and sounds good must be implemented today. The only problem with that thinking is you have too many unfinished projects under your belt. Imagine if you were an architect builder you'd have many plots of half-built buildings. They are totally useless and they take up space too. Now I find out what God has made me to do in this season and just do them faithfully. There's still room to explore ideas, but all are to be submitted to the Master Builder for approval. =) Of course, you take it to trusted friends who are able to give you wise counsel too. Or just objective, unadulterated feedback.

The other thing about thinking the world is crumbling down around you is this; you react to every single situation. And trust me, the reactions get more and more negative. In the end, a self-fulfilling prophecy emerges. The world really crumbles down on you. We're never called to live by sight, or react to circumstances. We are called to respond to truth. Now this one takes many instances to learn. I can understand it in one arena but I may not in another. But God is faithful and always ready to teach a lesson or two.

Whoa! Will you look at the time! 12.14 am already. See, writing is generative. Oh well, hope you've all learned something from my post. =) Glory to God for being my patient teacher.

Ciao.

Mantou at 10:54 PM

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Thursday, October 11, 2007

Tis the season to be moving..

This really seems to be the season where God seems to be moving us into new grounds. =) On many fronts I can see that happening. Here's the updates.

In my studies, I'm going on to study at ECU to get a Diploma in Counseling, which is equivalent to Year One Studies in Bachelor of Social Science. This move is important even though I'm still in Mentoring and will move on to Missions from there. I might not have the time and energy to pursue the basics in the future as commitments will start to increase. I have no intention to become a counselor just as yet because it will hinder my ability to evangelise ('por' fessional ethics). But with counseling skills I can be more sensitive in my missions work.

In my personal outreach, I am studying Japanese and understanding more about the Japanese culture (in case you are wondering about the stuccuto english I'm using, this will probably give you more insight. Just imagine a Japanese accent while reading). It is really enjoyable and I'm really beginning to get excited about reaching out to Japanese in Singapore. I will be involved in a Christmas Choir Outreach program this Dec. This is also a fresh move since I met a Japanese believer a few months back. It looks like I will be headed to Japan for missions, if this move keeps up.

In Mentoring, we are considering the starting of a blog to interact with the students and hosting of photos/videos of activities we were involved in. Many guidelines need to be spelt out clearly as it is a public blog, but if all systems go we can start next year too. This is necessary to stay relevant in an internet age. IT's about high time we did something like that. Yet it's possibly gonna stay in the pipeline for yet a while. But if this is a move of God we better stay sharp.

In my family my parents have started two-way talks (sounds political hor) with each other to air their views and seek common understanding. This is a breakthrough of breakthrough because it was never something my mom was comfortable with. No doubt it's giving her troubled sleep but she's handling it well. She's started reading devotionals by Stormie Omartian too. This is an undeniable move of God. She supports my intention to help people claiming that if it is cos I want to do God's will and help people it's good!

We are definitely moving. As with the Israelites, before we move we need to trust God. When we move in we need to keep the statutes and commandments He has laid out for us, that it may be well for us and we may enter His blessings. Pray for continued obedience. Amen.

Mantou at 10:44 PM

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Wednesday, October 10, 2007

It's here~

It's finally here! My application to Edith Cowan University (ECU). I'm taking the plunge now.. May I be on God's side on this one. Oh well, I'm taking a one year course first to test test anyhow.. =) So exciting! But it means two precious weeknights will be taken away from me. =P But still thank God for this door opening. Check Back Soon.

Mantou at 11:29 PM

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Monday, October 08, 2007

When in a dilemma.. Weighing the options..

"The Lord desires to teach those who desire to please Him" - Me.

"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going, I do not see the road ahead of me, I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following Your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please You does in fact please You. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this You will lead me down the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust You always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for You are ever with me, and You will never leave me to face my perils alone." - Thomas Merton

Studies.. Should I pursue them now? How far should I go?

Mantou at 9:32 PM

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Sunday, October 07, 2007

Responsibility

That word can sound quite dreadful sometimes.. Especially when it comes from our parents. At one point or another, I'm quite sure we've all heard our parents say something along the lines of.. 'No sense of responsibility.. Tsk tsk tsk..' But today I'd like to share with you a new perspective I've discovered.

I was just mulling over the fact that I can come so far in my walk with God but still feel so far from Him from time to time. We'll leave the issue of pride for another time of discussion, but I was just wondering what it meant to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. When I did a mental survey of the thoughts that went through my mind in a day; how much of it was godly and how much was not, the results were discouraging. Yet the Word of God says to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. God knew the potential of an 'open' mind and how it would lead to sin. I had always understood and applied that verse as a weapon when distracting or tempting thoughts come to mind. But today something else struck me.

The key word is 'every'. Ok the two key words are 'every thought'. Why do I say that? Have you ever had the experience of suddenly realizing that you're thinking about this friend whom you have not met up with for a long time? You will suddenly get a flood of thoughts and reminisce about how frequent you guys used to hang out, or get regrets that you wish you had told that person this or shared with him or her that, etc. But will this person ever find out you've been thinking about him or her? It is highly unlikely, if you were to leave the situation hovering about in your mind. You have to decide on a course of action wouldn't you? Call, sms, email, hate mail, love letter. Whatever. The point is, we have a responsibility i.e. AN ABILITY TO RESPOND.

Leaving the long lost friend analogy, the point I'm trying to make is this. God's responsibility (ability to respond) is to send us the Holy Spirit, who will inspire us to think about Him or about sin. I was always stuck here. Just thinking about Him and about sin. For the longest time, I thought it was good enough. Thinking it was my effort. Responding to those thoughts was a bonus that came from time to time. After all, I never had thoughts about Him before I was converted. But guess what? I just realized that in comparison, my time spent thinking about Him far outweighs my time spent with Him. Bring back the friend analogy. What good will it do to the relationship to be thinking day and night about your friend but never meeting up with him/her?

So I realized that thoughts about Him or sin are inspired by God Himself, nothing to claim credit about. Our responsibility (ability to respond) is in worship, prayer, confession, serving, the list goes on. So Vincent Nicodemus, when thoughts come in, take it to God. Don't be so preoccupied with it you get into the paralysis of analysis. God Himself made the way for instant access to His throne through His Son. We have been given the ability to respond (responsibility) to His thoughts immediately. We also have the ability to respond to thoughts from other sources just as easily, by taking it to God. Praise God!

One last thing that I learned; in my question to God's inspiration. Typical question of a Singaporean when told to do something. 'How??' God's answer was simple enough. 'I desire obedience, not sacrifice'. Go figure.. To know the wisdom in those words, ask the Author Himself. =)

Mantou at 9:53 PM

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Sunday, September 30, 2007

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday

'Maybe the old songs will bring back the old times' - Barry Manilow, Old Songs.

There's just a dull ache that I can't deny when I take the time to reminisce on history as it had been for the past few months. So I decided to listen to this old song once more, and found it really said so much about what I am feeling at this point in time.

The last three months have been a really special time for me, and as with other times, you don't really notice it till it's gone. I feel like Time has given me the sly this time around and made me feel like it was going to last forever while the going was good, and now would choose to give way to Reality who has the knack of hitting you like a brick wall (one does get poetic when emo aye).

I truly got a taste of what people meant when they said they are getting mixed emotions about leaving. Thought it was always just a safe phrase to use that will not rock the boat. But this time I really felt like that! On one hand I was grateful for the incubative nature of the three months - the growth it had caused in me; on the other hand I was sad to leave the many friendships I had forged during the last three months but am afraid will wane off soon enough. On yet another hand I was moved by what God has shown me and how He has worked in me to change my heart. I was also apprehensive and anticipative of what the future held henceforth. I know for sure I had forever charted an entirely different course and can never carry on like I used to. The graduation culminated with a mission trip to Tanjong Balai. I noticed the difference in my outlook. It confirmed the impact Tung Ling had on me.

Balai leaves for another chapter altogether. I am now too tired to log it in. =) Ciao.

Mantou at 10:57 PM

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Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Flashback Post #3

It was 1997 and it was becoming a routine for me to be standing outside the class during lessons either because I didn't have the textbook or did not hand in my homework. This was one of the times, with a small exception I did not hand in my homework because I was not done with it. It was an English essay assignment and it didn't occur to me then that I had an avid interest of writing essays. I happily accepted the punishment having been so immune to it and went out to complete my assignment. I found such joy in weaving the story together and organizing the plot to give it just the right kind of suspense. I wish I could remember what the essay was about. In any case, I soon got back my paper having submitted it late to find that I had been given a generous mark of 30/40 to top my class in the subject. I was mildly surprised but was not too concerned about the results. I had not realized people saw a glimpse of a redemptive factor from being ostracized and started to talk more to me.

I would like to be that way sometimes. In a sense of not being too concerned with the results, but being passionate about doing what I'm doing despite the punishing circumstances. Sometimes there's a reverse effect if you pressure yourself to achieve certain results. Invest more time, energy and attention in understanding the process and the results will follow.

Mantou at 10:57 PM

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Sunday, September 23, 2007

You are Special

The Wemmicks were small wooden people. Each of the wooden people was carved by a woodworker named Eli. His workshop sat on a hill overlooking their village. Every Wemmick was different. Some had big noses, others had large eyes. Some were tall and others were short. Some wore hats, others wore coats. But all were made by the same carver and all lived in the village. And all day, every day, the Wemmicks did the same thing: They gave each other stickers. Each Wemmick had a box of golden star stickers and a box of gray dot stickers. Up and down the streets all over the city, people could be seen sticking stars or dots on one another.

The pretty ones, those with smooth wood and fine paint, always got stars. But if the wood was rough or the paint chipped, the Wemmicks gave dots. The talented ones got stars, too. Some could lift big sticks high above their heads or jump over tall boxes. Still others knew big words or could sing very pretty songs. Everyone gave them stars.

Some Wemmicks had stars all over them! Every time they got a star it made them feel so good that they did something else and got another star. Others, though, could do little. They got dots.

Punchinello was one of these. He tried to jump high like the others, but he always fell. And when he fell, the others would gather around and give him dots.

Sometimes when he fell, it would scar his wood, so the people would give him more dots. He would try to explain why he fell and say something silly, and the Wemmicks would give him more dots. After a while he had so many dots that he didn't want to go outside. He was afraid he would do something dumb such as forget his hat or step in the water, and then people would give him another dot. In fact, he had so many gray dots that some people would come up and give him one without reason. "He deserves lots of dots," the wooden people would agree with one another. "He's not a good wooden person."

After a while Punchinello believed them. "I'm not a good Wemmick," he would say. The few times he went outside, he hung around other Wemmicks who had a lot of dots. He felt better around them.

One day he met a Wemmick who was unlike any he'd ever met. She had no dots or stars. She was just wooden. Her name was Lucia. It wasn't that people didn't try to give her stickers; it's just that the stickers didn't stick. Some admired Lucia for having no dots, so they would run up and give her a star. But it would fall off. Some would look down on her for having no stars, so they would give her a dot. But it wouldn't stay either. 'That's the way I want to be,'thought Punchinello. 'I don't want anyone's marks.' So he asked the stickerless Wemmick how she did it. "It's easy," Lucia replied. "every day I go see Eli."

"Eli?" "Yes, Eli. The woodcarver. I sit in the workshop with him." "Why?" "Why don't you find out for yourself? Go up the hill. He's there."

And with that the Wemmick with no marks turned and skipped away. "But he won't want to see me!" Punchinello cried out. Lucia didn't hear. So Punchinello went home. He sat near a window and watched the wooden people as they scurried around giving each other stars and dots. "It's not right," he muttered to himself. And he resolved to go see Eli. He walked up the narrow path to the top of the hill and stepped into the big shop. His wooden eyes widened at the size of everything. The stool was as tall as he was. He had to stretch on his tiptoes to see the top of the workbench. A hammer was as long as his arm. Punchinello swallowed hard. "I'm not staying here!" and he turned to leave. Then he heard his name.

"Punchinello?" The voice was deep and strong. Punchinello stopped. "Punchinello! How good to see you. Come and let me have a look at you." Punchinello turned slowly and looked at the large bearded craftsman. "You know my name?" the little Wemmick asked.

"Of course I do. I made you." Eli stooped down and picked him up and set him on the bench. "Hmm," the maker spoke thoughtfully as he inspected the gray circles. "Looks like you've been given some bad marks." "I didn't mean to, Eli. I really tried hard." "Oh, you don't have to defend yourself to me, child. I don't care what the other Wemmicks think." "You don't?"

No, and you shouldn't either. Who are they to give stars or dots?
They're Wemmicks just like you. What they think doesn't matter, Punchinello. All that matters is what I think. And I think you are pretty special."
Punchinello laughed. "Me, special? Why? I can't walk fast. I can't jump. My paint is peeling. Why do I matter to you?"

Eli looked at Punchinello, put his hands on those small wooden shoulders, and spoke very slowly. "Because you're mine. That's why you matter to me."
Punchinello had never had anyone look at him like this--much less his maker. He didn't know what to say.
"Every day I've been hoping you'd come," Eli explained.
"I came because I met someone who had no marks."
"I know. She told me about you."
"Why don't the stickers stay on her?"
"Because she has decided that what I think is more important than what they think. The stickers only stick if you let them."

"What?"
"The stickers only stick if they matter to you. The more you trust my love, the less you care about the stickers."
"I'm not sure I understand."
"You will, but it will take time. You've got a lot of marks. For now, just come to see me every day and let me remind you how much I care." Eli lifted Punchinello off the bench and set him on the ground. "Remember," Eli said as the Wemmick walked out the door. "You are special because I made you. And I don't make mistakes."

Punchinello didn't stop, but in his heart he thought, "I think he really means it."
And when he did, a dot fell to the ground.

May all your dots fall silently to the ground, for if given by man, they matter only to other men, if given by the Gods, no one questions, the scars that make up our lives. (when given the choice, pass out stars, drop the dots in the trash.)

- Max Lucado

Mantou at 11:35 PM

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Life Verses

"Now all things are of God, who has reconciled us to Himself through Jesus Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation, that is, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not imputing their trespasses to them, and has committed to us the word of reconciliation." - 2 Cor 5:18-19

"So then, since Christ suffered physical pain, you must arm yourselves with the same attitude he had, and be ready to suffer, too. For if you have suffered physically for Christ, you have finished with sin. You won’t spend the rest of your lives chasing your own desires, but you will be anxious to do the will of God. You have had enough in the past of the evil things that godless people enjoy—their immorality and lust, their feasting and drunkenness and wild parties, and their terrible worship of idols." 1 Peter 4:1-3 (NLT)

I'm beginning to understand why they say the Bible is the living Word of God. Some verses just speak to me as though it were glowing and grabbing my attention (and it's not because I highlighted it). I highlight it because it seemed to glow at me.

Even in this season as I'm seeking the destiny that God has prepared for me beforehand (See Ephesians 2:1o), these verses seem to lay the foundation for leading me into His will. At this point in time it seems pretty generic but yet I feel its timeliness. In any case I believe I must live it out before I can even begin to be shown more. And I feel it's really true.

First and foremost we must understand that God has called us to be reconciled to Him, and then bear witness to a God who restores and reconciles. I remember how I first came to Christ by being told by God to reconcile with my family, and afterwards to facilitate for my parents to reconcile with each other as well as with themselves. I'm still going through the process for my family to be fully restored but much ground has been covered already. Praise God.

The latter verse seems to be a promise as well as an exhortation. We will suffer just as Christ did at one point or another (I can't deny the sufferings I have experienced myself). Yet it strangely summarizes my experience lately; I have had enough of doing the things I used to do, living like I used to, sticking to some die-hard habits and sinful behavior. It's time to get up and live! I look around me and begin to see that much remains to be done; so many have yet to get in touch with the part in them that yearns to get in touch with God. "As God's fellow workers we urge you not to receive God's grace in vain." 2 Cor 6:1. This is the follow-up verse. And I think of the many who have sowed into my life to lead me to the cross and I just got to do my part too.

Mantou at 10:16 PM

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Thursday, September 13, 2007

It's been a while..

Yeah it's really been quite a while since I last blogged in here. Kinda missed blogging. =)

Well I must log this lesson too cos I think it's one of the most important lessons in Christianity. In many ways it's a fundamental basic, and something that I might have to revisit from time to time, no matter how matured I am in my walk. It's called brokenness.

You see, there's enough warning in the Bible about pride taking over and to 'guard your heart', to take heed that I don't fall, just when I think I'm standing in the faith. I believe it's because it's one of the greatest trap for any Christian. At any level. There's always that ol' devil.

I've been growing really close to my Heavenly Father and it's just been getting really exciting to see the many victories that have been won in many areas of my life. Yet because I have never reached this level of intimacy in my walk before, I began to think that a little compromise here and there would not matter. Especially when many responsibilities start piling in. And even more so when you start to 'notice' the lack of godliness in other people, or the newfound 'godliness' in you that's waiting and raring to go. But it's really so subtle you can hardly notice the change in you until it bears its fruit, or rather it rears its ugly head. I might as well have been the fanatic that stands by the pavement and exhorts for people to 'repent for the end is near'.

I have learnt that no spiritual fruit, or any result that is Kingdom-worthy can ever be borne out of human wisdom. And no significant change can ever result when you walk by sight and not by faith. When you get so absorbed in what you're doing that you forget who you are being. It's one of those times when you feel completely out of place (either in the presence of God or other people) that you begin to question what kind of thoughts you have been entertaining. As I brought my case before God, about why I was feeling so lousy and condemned even at this point of my walk (I wake in wee hours to do my QT and journal at night, praying and talking to my Father daily, being led by the Spirit in my ministry to others), the humbling answer comes; compromise. It's like Esau and Jacob. Compromise is always born out of a heart of ingratitude or nonchalance, as well as pride. Esau gave up his birthright just for a morsel of meat. Being judgmental instead of trusting in the sovereignty of God was another. Oh well, I could go on and on, but I guess all in all I wanna say that the Christian walk is always a balancing act - we're on a straight and narrow path. We could always swing to one extreme or the other. Pride and self exaltation waits on one end. Fear and lack of confidence waits on the other.

Yet one thing I have experienced; in all my failures as long as I come before God and seek His forgiveness, my alabaster jar breaks and His fragrance fills my life once again. He is a faithful God that does not despise a broken spirit and a contrite heart.

""Come now, let us reason together,"
says the LORD.
"Though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson,
they shall be like wool.

If you are willing and obedient,
you will eat the best from the land;

but if you resist and rebel,
you will be devoured by the sword."
For the mouth of the LORD has spoken. - Isaiah 1:18-19

Mantou at 11:01 PM

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Monday, August 27, 2007

In the presence of a holy God

As I sank into the sofa of my living room, memory after memory pushed itself up like bubbles surfacing in the water till I could hold it no more. 'All this while, You've been holding me steady Lord. Through the storms, the darkest hours, You held me steady Lord. And You showed me so much grace I just don't deserve it'. The tears were flowing freely now.

''You're proved righteous when You judge Lord.
You're proved loving when You comfort.
You're proved gracious when You forgive Lord.
You're proved compassionate when You console.
You're proved Almighty when You deliver.
You're proved faithful when You promise.
And to whom do You prove yourself to?
To me, even me, who is so small and undeserving of Your notice.
Why do You even subject Yourself to all kinds of hurt just to prove Yourself to me?
I know that I'll forever need You to hold me steady, as long as I live.
No matter what You call me to do, I know I'll stumble and fall.
Only Your grace is sufficient for me.'

Sometimes the Word of God just proves itself relevant in our lives. The sacrifices of God are a contrite spirit and a broken heart. These He will not despise. Are you ready to taste and see that the Lord is good?

Mantou at 10:51 PM

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Friday, August 17, 2007

These small wonders

Sometimes God likes to plant these little wonders in times when you least expected it. Talk about being the Creator. He sure is creative.

First, I bumped into a student that responded to a response slip during Christian Mission Week. Knew this student quite well from Orientation. So i just made a detour en route to COR office and walked with him a bit to just find out how receptive he was to talk more about his response. At that point in time he kinda felt a little awkward but he still managed to be humorous which is a good sign. Then it started to pour really heavily. So I asked him how he intended to go home as I felt it was probably on everyone's mind. He, like the youths of today just said 'Like that lor, I don't know'. Somehow as youths we don't think enough aye.. Totally understand. So anyway I thought it'd be a good time to bless him so I lent him my umbrella claiming that I can go back and get another one. He gratefully accepted it and kinda said he'd return me tmr or something.. (haha, obviously not thinking straight)

Well the truth was that I had no more umbrella left and was prepared to chiong through the rain past the basketball court. I went up the stairs and to my surprise I saw a boy coming down the most unlikely place, the roof of the building next to the baptism pool! Like who would be there at this time? Actually I saw the umbrella before the person. So I just asked him whether he could ferry me across and he kindly agreed. So we had a good start in introduction and here's how it went.

Me: What's your name?
Him: Huh? Uh, Jeremiah.
Me: Nice name. Which church do you go to? (made the intelligent guess that he was a Christian)
Jeremiah: Huh? Don't think you've ever heard of it.
Me: What's the name?
Him: Ceylon Chapel.
Me: Is it at Ceylon Road? (Trying to make another intelligent guess)
Him: No. (Gua gua)
Me: I see. Thank God. He is so faithful.
Him: Amen. (Must be Anglican)
Me: Are you a Christian? (You can never be too sure) Do you believe in God?
Him: Yes. (Probably quite taken aback by my forthcoming questions)
Me: That's cool. Well He's real and He's good. You know I just lent my friend my umbrella and that's why I was without an umbrella. I never expected I'd bump into you and get sheltered through.
Him: Oh, ya. God is good. (I should have said 'All the time')
Me: Amen. Where are you going?
Him: Huh, I'm going home.
Me: Are your parents Christian too?
Him: Ya.
Me: Wow.. What are they doing?
Him: Mom's a secretary, Dad teaches at NTU.
Me: Cool.

This guy also has a younger sis in P5. He sent me to the doorstep of DCB and we parted from there. Real blessing. What I like was how the conversation edified the both of us. And how even as strangers we could discuss so openly about God. Where the Spirit is there is liberty. Amen.

Mantou at 10:32 PM

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Thursday, August 16, 2007

At Bethel

At Bethel (House of God) Jacob met God. At Peniel he got confronted about the nature that was implied in his name (supplanter, deceiver). At Peniel he was given a new name. Israel.

Very often the nature within ourselves hinders us from the blessings of God, and hinders us from being a blessing to others. Worse, the nature we have hinders the intimacy we can have with God and with others.

Today I am frustrated at the way my nature disallows me to see my Heavenly Father as being tender and loving, to feel the nearness and warmth of His love. To engage in intimate conversation with my Creator and Father. The key word is engage. Sometimes it's not that I can't speak to Him. I tell Him what I can as the Spirit leads. But my ears need a whole lot of unstopping. Hearing from Him is a rarity. And often delayed from the time I am in conversation with Him; I hear Him speak to me through a word later in the day, or a verse someone shares. This should not be the case! Quiet time will become a mindless chore if it's not a time of encounter with the living God.

I got a whole lot of soul searching to do to see why I can't hear from Him when I pray. While it has been said that when you don't hear from God you trust His character, this is about intimacy with a relational God. I can't imagine how long I can go on waking up so early to seek His face in the wee hours of morning only to 'feel good' that I've done my QT. I truly give thanks to God that things have changed so much for me, but in this outburst of honesty I hope to confront the very nature I have, the mindsets I'm holding on to. Leviticus calls it 'afflicting of your soul'. Sounds harsh, but the idea is to ransack your soul to search for that which is hindering.

'For this is what my soul longs for, there's nothing I want more'

Mantou at 11:37 PM

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Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Flashback Post #2

Had another of those moments when you just think back upon a memory that has been etched in the recesses of your mind since your childhood. Thought I'd just earmark it. This time around it involves my brother.

The air was tense and my heart was palpitating as it would whenever trouble brewed at home. It seemed attuned to the emotional climate of the home as a barometer to the weather. Vehement shouts were exchanged between Daddy and Gor-Gor. I couldn't comprehend what they were shouting about. Not that I wasn't old enough. I just could never understand why they had to shout to get their opinions across, and I could never tell who was in the right or wrong. It only seemed wrong and dangerous that Gor-Gor was shouting back at my dad. That's a rare commodity in my home. It looked and seemed as though Gor-Gor was ready to fight back at my dad if ever he was challenged. Then it happened quick as a flash. Dad raised his hand to slap Gor-Gor but he blocked it. That infuriated my dad and he bellowed, 'ni gan dang!' (you dare to block!) Shou fang xia ni ta ma de ni! (put your hand down dammit!) ci pang ying le la! (grown up already la!) And I saw Gor-Gor's blank face steeled against my dad and his blows as his arms hung loosely at his side.

I can never forget that look in his eyes, on his face. On hindsight my brother really did try to make a stand for injustice. Unlike me, who strives for harmony at all costs, even compromise. I can still feel his hurt even now. I wonder if he can ever recover from this trauma. Ironically sometimes such events are more traumatic to the onlooker than the victim themselves. But only sometimes. I really pray he gets to meet my Healer too.

Mantou at 12:21 AM

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Monday, July 30, 2007

Happy Birthday Mom

This'd be the third post in three years, if I'm not wrong. I'm amazed every year it speaks to me. This event with my mom gets to be special just about every year. It's almost like a covenant renewal time with my God, who sent a mandate for me to go home like the prodigal son. I've learned so much, been blessed with so much, grown so much! It's just breath-taking sometimes. You know who's able to take the ugly and make it into something beautiful? My God is.

Ironically, or coincidentally as some would put it, my mom's in love with the show 'Ugly Betty'. I think she just finds the affiliation with her own name endearing. But whatever.

Anyway ya it's like amazing. There were times things during these three years were awkward, too emotional, too tense, too bitter.. Today it was none of that. It was.. nondescript? Am I using it correctly? Anyway it was blissful in that way. Just comfortable talk over a nice meal at Ajisen. Sure, some of the talk was heavy stuff. But we both have learned to manage it and I thank God for that. I guess we do tread on each other's toes from time to time. But the respect's building up.

God, if rainbows in the sky promises no more flood, then, just between You and me, birthdays with Mom must be a promise I'll never leave home again. =)

Mantou at 11:49 PM

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Tuesday, July 24, 2007

walk in love | aller en amour

"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." - Ephesians 4:31 - 5:2

When God speaks, I've come to learn it's best to listen and respond in obedience, regardless the outcome. The reason is simple; for the sake of continued fellowship with the Lord, continued direction from the Spirit. Just one footstep in the flesh and you'll start to lose sight of Him till He isn't there anymore. Thankfully He weighs the heart and if we continue to seek Him when He can't be found we're given the second chance to set things right with Him. The moment you humble yourself and repent is the moment He exalts you up to the place where His joy is restored. What a gracious God!

Sometimes the natural mind stubbornly wants to hold on to preconceived mindsets and just can't accept the Word of God to deal with the issue in my heart. But the quiet conviction of the Spirit has more persuasive power than any number of reasons put together. It's what keeps my heart supple and ready to be molded by God. This time I'm really facing a big obstacle, but I see the hand of God move and it's amazingly working out for the good of ALL who love Him. Not just for me. He's caused me to see the chain reaction that can happen when I start to walk in the flesh. I can't lead worship with His anointing, and that'd easily affect 35 ppl. I can't be at peace with my friends nor enjoy their companionship, I can't disciple with conviction, I can't hear His voice during lessons. And that'd easily affect my whole sphere of influence. That's bad stewardship! God forbid that! I'd rather forgive and seek forgiveness than risk making a mess out of my life.

Mantou at 9:53 PM

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Wednesday, July 18, 2007

The illustration | le illustration

This is the strange paradox of a Christian as I have come to know it. We are in the world, but not of the world. Dead to it, but alive in it. It doesn't want us around (world defined as people, principalities and powers who are opposed to the purposes of God), and we renounced it when we were born again. The world bound us to live according to its systems and beliefs after the Fall, our salvation introduced to us principles of His kingdom, to be lived out here on earth (Your Kingdom come, Your will be done). So the truth is we can no longer try to be significant in this world. It operates on a different system. We can only work for His significance, glory even, as He establishes His kingdom through us. We're friends of God, enemies of the world. Wanna know a piece of good news? We're on the winning side; victorious enemies. 'Be of good cheer, I have overcome the world'. Sounds familiar?

P/S: Was inspired to design this caricature when I heard this verse explained today. Hope it speaks to you too.

Mantou at 11:51 PM

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He is My Maker

He understands. He actually understands! It is only He who truly understands. I scarce can take it in to know that. =) And that He would send someone to tell me His thoughts. It's mind-blowing.

Oh, pardon me for being self-absorbed. That psalms of sort here was really cos I'm really overwhelmed by the fact that God truly cares for me and is here for me. It's different from knowing it theologically. This is relationally realistic to me. And I'm so glad I can hardly contain it. =) Thank God for His manifold mercies. Amen.

Mantou at 6:15 AM

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Tuesday, July 10, 2007

some cool quotes | quelques branché citation

Man I'm having a busy week. But it's all good. =) No time to waste, just dropping by to leave a few cool quotes I've heard lately.

" No sacrifice, no victory" - Sam Whitwiker in Transformers

" A brain dead person can still live, so the brain must not be very useful. Follow your heart!" - Unknown

Isn't it cool that you get such a biblical sounding quote in a movie like Transformers?!

Mantou at 10:58 PM

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Friday, July 06, 2007

The Mysterious | Le mystérieux

There seems to be a mysterious tagger / mysterious taggers on my blog... *puffs on pipe*

Who could it be? There should be a reason for this anonymity but for the life of me I can't figure out why...

Is it just a cheeky act? The messages left seem sincere enough, not written in an attempt to tease, ridicule or jest at me.

One pattern I can detect certainly is that the name is related to the subject of which is tagged.

As the Americans would say, that's pretty neat.

And it is also an indicator that all those tags, 'IE user, IE lover, lost and found, click me and find out', should be left by the same author. Right? Rhetorical. Right.

So who could this person be? Why remain anonymous but make comments as if to a familiar friend? Do pardon your fellow blog reader who goes by the name of Alethea but if I may be so bold as to ask the same question, 'Who are you?', would I get a straightforward answer, or an enigmatic one?

Don't get me wrong. It's perfectly fine to remain anonymous, as one can see from the replies I have authored, yet it intrigues me so..

Hence, I have a proposal. Leave a comment on this post, of which you may choose to utterly reveal who you are, or simply leave a clue to which would lead me on to deduce your identity. I will not publish the comment, till your permission is granted to do so, if ever at all. I await your comment.

Signed,
Giraffe.

P/S: Beneath all this drama mama is just a good ol' with a mischievous streak in me. =)

Mantou at 10:01 PM

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Monday, July 02, 2007

Someone believes? | quelqu'un croit?

This is probably one post that's hard to digest. Cos I can hardly comprehend it myself. I was on my way home on the train and listening to Lisa Ono and suddenly this thought caught my attention. 'I need someone to believe in me'. Just like how a music producer believes in the artiste and grooms him/her and pushes him/her to hit that note the artiste probably never thought he/she could hit.

I guess we all need someone to believe in us. It goes beyond acceptance, this belief. It's almost a celebration of the person, but a quiet one; just like a kid who owns a dog and observes its daily behavior, and one day trains it to fetch the newspaper. He'd quietly celebrate cos he kinda knew it'd be able to do it, if given the right training. I'm just gonna let this thought sink in for a while..

Cos I can't really answer the next question. Believe in me? For what? Is it to do something? To be someone? Do what? Be who? Ok so it's not just one question. I guess though God has a reason for putting this thought in me. I prayed a pretty bold prayer today. I told Him I didn't want to stay on the fringes of His will anymore, but press in to the center of His will, whatever it is. Be the way I was made. That kinda prayer's scary. You gotta be ready when you pray like that to go on a journey beyond your wildest imagination. But I guess it's one thing to just experience fragments of Him and settle for that. I'm a little sick of that.

So, could God mean I need someone who believes that I am serious about being wholly devoted to Him? A godly person who knows a genuine seeker when he sees one? I don't even know if I'm genuine. What if I were to make a bold statement as this, that there's nothing else in this life that's worth pursuing but to do His will? What if I got more excited about talking about God than to talk about the latest fashion trend or movie screening? Would I face ridicule? Chiding? Don't be so naive? Square? You can say that now cos you're on fire, just wait till you're dry? If you decide to make Christianity your obsession you'll be disillusioned, there must be a balance? Questions questions questions... Life seems to have an endless supply of that, but a shortage in demand for answers..

This brings to mind the sermon that spoke to me on Sun. It's based on Psalms 3, a psalm of David in a time when his very own son wanted to kill him and he was reduced from a king to a refugee. Here's what I remember:

Psalm 3
Save Me, O My God

A Psalm of David, when he fled from Absalom his son.

O LORD, how many are my foes!
Many are rising against me;
many are saying of my soul,
there is no salvation for him in God.
Selah
Problem; darkness always seems imminent.

But you, O LORD, are a shield about me,
my glory, and the lifter of my head.
I cried aloud to the LORD,
and he answered me from his holy hill.
Selah
Presence; in whatever circumstance, the truth is God is always there, ready to deliver you.

I lay down and slept;
I woke again, for the LORD sustained me.
I will not be afraid of many thousands of people
who have set themselves against me all around.

Peace; with knowledge that God Himself is in Sovereign control.

Arise, O LORD!
Save me, O my God!
For you strike all my enemies on the cheek;
you break the teeth of the wicked.

Plea; knowing God will answer but has yet to do so.

Salvation belongs to the LORD;
your blessing be on your people!
Selah
Praise; For a God faithful and just.

The punchline: Problems will not have the last laugh. Praise will.

Mantou at 11:16 PM

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Thursday, June 28, 2007

New Song Feature | nouveau chanson présenter

Music makes up an essential part of my life. Really thankful for this feature that allows me to share fave songs from time to time. Here's one that I particular like from my fave album.

"A beautiful and blinding morning
The world outside begins to breathe
See clouds arriving without warning
I need you here to shelter me

And I know that only time will tell us how
To carry on without each other

So keep me awake to memorize you
Give me more time to feel this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today

If I could make these moments endless
If I could stop the winds of change
If we just keep our eyes wide open
Then everything would stay the same

And I know that only time will tell me how
We'll carry on without each other

So keep me awake for every moment
Give us more time to be this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today

We'll let tomorrow wait, you're here, right now, with me
All my fears just fall away, when you are all I see

We can't stay this way forever
But I have you here today

And I will remember
Oh I will remember
Remember all the love we shared today" -Awake, Josh Groban

Mantou at 12:15 AM

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Monday, June 25, 2007

For my dear bro | Pour mon frère chéri.

I love stories. They always do heaps to encourage me. This one's for you.

The woman flops down on the bench and drops her trash bag between her feet. With elbows on knees and cheeks in hands, she stares at the sidewalk. Everything aches. Back. Legs. Neck. Her shoulder is stiff and her hands raw. All because of the sack.

Oh, to be rid of this garbage.

Unbroken clouds form a gray ceiling, gray with a thousand sorrows. Spot-stained buildings cast long shadows, darkening passageways and the people in them. Drizzle chills the air and muddies the rivulets of the street gutters. The woman collects her jacket. A passing car drenches the sack and splashes her jeans. She doesn't move. Too tired.

Her memories of life without the trash are fuzzy. As a child maybe? Her back was straighter, her walk quicker... or was it a dream? She doesn't know for sure.

A second car. This one stops and parks. A man steps out. She watches his shoes sink in the slush. From the car he pulls out a trash bag, lumpy with litter. He drapes it over his shoulder and curses the weight.

Neither of them speaks. Who knows if he noticed her. His face seems young, younger than his stooped back. In moments he is gone. Her gaze returns to the pavement.

She never looks at her trash. Early on she did. But what she saw repulsed her, so she's kept the sack closed ever since.

What else can she do? Give it to someone? All have their own.

Here comes a young mother. With one hand she leads a child; with the other she drags her load, bumpy and heavy.

Here comes an old man, face ravined with wrinkles. His trash sack is so long it hits the back of his legs as he walks. He glances at the woman and tries to smile.

What weight would he be carrying? She wonders as he passes.

"Regrets."

She turns to see who spoke. Beside her on the bench sits a man. Tall, with angular cheeks and bright, kind eyes. Like hers, his jeans are mud stained. Unlike hers, his shoulders are straight. He wears a T-shirt and baseball cap. She looks around for his trash but doesn't see it.

He watches the old man disappear as he explains, 'As a young father, he worked many hours and neglected his family. His children don't love him. His sack is full, full of regrets.'

She doesn't respond. And when she doesn't, he does.

'And yours?'

'Mine?' she asks, looking at him.

'Shame' His voice is gentle, compassionate.

She still doesn't speak, but neither does she turn away.

'Too many hours in the wrong arms. Last year, last night.. Shame.'

She stiffens, steeling herself against the scorn she has learned to expect. As if she needed more shame. Stop him. But how? She awaits his judgment.

But it never comes. His voice is warm and his question honest. 'Will you give me your trash?'
Her head draws back. What can he mean?

'Give it to me. Tomorrow. At the landfill. Will you bring it?' He rubs a moist smudge from her cheek with his thumb and stands. 'Friday. The landfill'

Long after he leaves, she sits, replaying the scene, retouching her cheek. His voice lingers; his invitation hovers. She tries to dismiss his words but can't. How could he know what he knew? And how could he know and still be so kind? The memory sits on the couch of her soul, and uninvited but welcome guest.

That night's sleep brings her summer dreams. A young girl under blue skies and puffy clouds, playing amid wildflowers, skirt twirling. She dreams of running with hands wide open, brushing the tops of the sunflowers. She dreams of happy people filling a meadow with laughter and hope.

But when she wakes, the sky is dark, the clouds billowed, and the streets shadowed. At the foot of her bed lies her sack of trash. Hoisting it over her shoulder, she walks out of the apartment and down the stairs and onto the street, still slushy.

It's Friday.

For a time she stand, thinking. First wondering what he meant, then if he really meant it. She sighs. With hope just barely outweighing hopelessness, she turns toward the edge of town. Others are walking in the same direction. The man beside her smells of alcohol. He's slept many nights in his suit. A teenage girl walks a few feet ahead. The woman of shame hurries to catch up. The girl volunteers an answer before the question can be asked: 'Rage. Rage at my father. Rage at my mother. I'm tired of anger. He said he'd take it.' She motions to her sack. 'I'm going to give it to him.'

The woman nods, and the two walk together.

The landfill is tall with trash - papers and broken brooms and old beds and rusty cars. By the time they reach the hill, the line to the top is long. Hundreds walk ahead of them. All wait in silence, stunned by what they hear - a scream, a pain-pierced roar that hangs in the air for moments, interrupted only by a groan. Then the scream again.

His.

As they drew nearer, they know why. He kneels before each, gesturing toward the sack, offering a request, then a prayer. 'May I have it? And may you never feel it again.' Then he bows his head and lifts the sack, emptying its contents upon himself. The selfishness of the glutton, the bitterness of the angry, the possessiveness of the insecure. He feels what they felt. It is as if he'd lied or cheated or cursed his Maker.

Upon her turn, the woman pauses. Hesitates. His eyes compel her to step forward. He reaches for her trash and takes it from her. 'You can't live with this.' he explains, ' You weren't made to.' With head down, he empties her shame upon his shoulders. Then looking toward the heavens with tear-flooded eyes, he screams, 'I'm sorry!'
'But you did nothing!' she cries.
Still, he sobs as she has sobbed into her pillow a hundred nights. That's when she realizes his cry is hers. Her shame his.
With her thumb she touches his cheek, and for the first step in a long nighttime, she has no trash to carry.

With the others she stands at the base of the hill and watches as he is buried under a mound of misery. For some time he moans. Then nothing. Just silence.
The people sit among the wrecked cars and papers and discarded stoves and wonder who this man is and what he has done. Like mourners at a wake, they linger. Some share stories. Others say nothing. All cast occasional glances at the landfill. It feels odd, loitering near the heaps. But it feels even stranger to think of leaving.

So they stay. Through the night and into the next day. Darkness comes again. A kinship connects them, a kinship through the trashman. Some doze. Others build fires in the metal drums and speak of the sudden abundance of stars in the night sky. By early morning most are asleep.
They almost miss the moment. It is the young girl who sees it. The girl with the rage. She doesn't trust her eyes at first, but when she looks again she knows.

Her words are soft, intended for no one. 'He's standing.'
Then aloud, for her friend. 'He's standing.'
And louder for all. 'He's standing!'
She turns, all turn. They see him silhouetted against a golden sunrise.
Standing. Indeed. - The Trashman, Max Lucado.

Mantou at 11:04 PM

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Monday, June 18, 2007

Father's Day | Bon pere n'est pas

Yes, today was Father's Day.. Spent the most part of it with my Heavenly Father though, greeting Him with a worshipful heart right in the morning. The feeling was good. Then at service, round 2 with Graham! Just awesome, being ministered to by his leading. Here's another song that spoke to me today. Maybe it'll speak to you too. I'll share it anyhow. It's called 'The Way is Open'. Spent the afternoon at worship prac.

During the prayer meeting, He would do what He just does all the time. Faithfully but firmly bringing you to that place where you acknowledge your hurts before Him and release it to Him in forgiveness. It was in unspeakable pain when I did that but I know it paid off. It gave me the booster to initiate to meet my dad for a meal tomorrow. I think he appreciates it. Just a simple meal no doubt, but I do pray it paves the way for reconciliation and whatever God wants to do in this relationship. Just typical of my Heavenly Father to stir up these responses in me. *shakes head* I do appreciate it a lot. But it drains me out too. Haiz. For those of you who have prayed for me or given me well wishes about my family issues, thank you so much. Really appreciate it.

This short term pain long term gain thing seems to be the lesson He wants me to learn lately.. Obedience will pay off somehow when it hurts. He started with my finances and boy that's one of the toughest areas for me. But there are breakthroughs and I thank God for them. Never thought I'd go past giving tithes to God but it feels good now that I've gone beyond it. =) Painful to part with the money, but I thought about it and know that my money's better used by God than by myself. So it never hurts to give back to Him, technically.

Mantou at 12:58 AM

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Friday, June 15, 2007

The revamp

Well it's just about time ain't it? =)

More than one person has complained to me about my blog being hard to navigate.. So I decided to change it once more.. Hope it's much more viewer friendly now..

Went to a Graham Kendrick Concert today. It was just awesome la.. Out of the ordinary.. Nothing else I say would justify it.. For a good part of the concert we were singing along to songs that were composed on the spot. What do you say to that?

Glad that I managed to invite my friend to the concert, and glad that he had no adverse reaction to the way the night's proceedings. Another seed planted. Yay.

Been finding more and more questions being addressed by God Himself these days. That encounter with Him featured in my previous post seemed to have open a door to more intimacy and direct communication with our Heavenly Father. Thank God for His wisdom. This song that you see at the corner of my blog, Crucified Man, speaks a lot to me about my journey with Him. It's really about nothing else that I can hope for but what He had already done for me on the cross. The lyrics really moved me.. Hope it touches you guys too.

Mantou at 11:53 PM

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Sunday, June 10, 2007

The Search

"I was living for a dream,
loving for a moment
Taking on the world,
that was just my style
Now You hold me in Your arms,
I can see forever
The search is over,
You were with me all the while" - Survivor, The Search is Over (some lyrics changed to suit setting)

Yep, I'm a fan of the oldies and this song stuck on like a barnacle because it's got nice lyrics and an unusual melody. You got to listen to it to know what I'm saying. =)

Something amazing happened today. Something almost indescribable. But I shall attempt to blog it anyway.

You see, recently I've been made to think about the vicious cycle of worldly choices and consequences that I suffer because of some lies I have believed in. Yes, I realise that this is stuff I've been talking about since I was a new Christian, but I guess we all know the difference between understanding, believing and acting upon the truth. So to counter the vicious cycle I got myself and accountability partner to pray with me and support me as I endeavor to expose and disable the effects of those lies in my life. That made quite an impact on my spiritual life and there was a ripple effect that showed in many areas of my life. However, it was not all smooth sailing and I found that the lies I had believed in for so long had formed ruts in my mind and the moment I got close to the ruts I'd slipped back into believing those lies again. So that journey has had many ups and downs. And everytime I slip back in I grow more and more disillusioned about this step of faith I had taken, and was plagued with many doubts. I have to say it's not easy to try to honor God who's invisible when all the circumstances around you are so real and tangible. If one is not convicted by the Spirit one should not even try it or their very faith might be shaken.

Despite all the downs getting me discouraged, one thing stood out and showed my the meaning of grace from a holy God. The unconditional acceptance of a fellow brother in Christ and constant exhortations and encouragement showed me that the grace of God means believing that I can be the way God made me in Christ Jesus. I believe that glimpse of grace gave me a semblance of God's love and helped me to respond to Him.

Today was such a day. Chris Chan was just sharing and ministering to the congregation today using Psalms 32, which talks about the joy of forgiveness. He said some stuff but the main point that struck me was that some of us were really trying to be righteous in our own strength and allowed pride to subtly creep in so that we blame ourselves heavily for making mistakes but carry on serving God while feeling the heaviness of the struggles, not realizing we can be restored when we confess to God of our wrongdoings. So the time came for us to respond to the Word, and Chris gave the option of either meditating on the passage or praying. I did both. And I acknowledged to God that I had been holding on to all these burdens of guilt and shame, and even acknowledged to Him the hurts and anxieties I had. And then it happened. All of a sudden I was very aware of the nearness of God. And His gentle countenance was just beckoning to me. My heart quickens even as I recount the experience again. He felt really real and right there, just gently... there..

And while the song 'When I survey the Wondrous Cross' was sung in the background I could sense myself reaching out, throwing my arms out to hug Him! I hugged my Savior in spirit! I burst into tears then, and the weird thing was that I could picture that He was crying too, with tears of joy and longing, the kind that one would shed after someone lost was found. It was such a sweet, unspeakable moment. I felt all my sorrows melt away and gratitude come flooding in as I just lingered in the moment in amazement and wonder. This was truly my first time responding to Him in such a manner, and I wondered why it took me so long. It's been three years since I became a Christian, and there's been many times I've responded to the altar call. Today there was no altar call, but He met me right where I was seated. Then, in that intimate moment I continued to respond by singing along. It gave me such a different perspective to worship because this time that God was so near I could really feel that I was singing to Him and expressing my worship while He looked on. And as I sang, I saw with my mind's eye that He held my hand and walked along with me. So real was it that I marveled and tears just kept streaming down my eyes. I even asked Him; would I leave Him to chase after the world again? The sad reply was 'Yes'. It really pained my heart this time to hear that I would turn away. But somehow the assurance came that He lived in me, not at some hard to reach place. I have yet to make sense of that but I believe that means I will be changed to let Him live in me, and not my old man.

That experience left me dazed for a while and that was pretty embarassing cos I brought my student down to service with me today. I wonder what he would think of my behaviour today. *scratch chin* Oh well, it's not every day that you meet your Creator in such a way so I guess it was worth it. It really speaks volumes to me about the nature of God. The song I mentioned earlier had a bridge that went,
"it finally struck like lightning from the blue. Every highway leading me back to You"
God is so sovereign and faithful He's just gonna try to lead us home, us who realize we need to rely on Him and love Him.

Mantou at 9:07 PM

1 comments

Friday, May 25, 2007

Boiling Point

Don't get me wrong.. This title may sound aggressive, but it's far from that. =) C'mon, I'm a mild guy ok.. If you don't rub me the wrong way, that is.. hehe..

Recently I've been noticing a lot of things. And that's a rare phenomenon as far as I'm concerned cos I'm usually absorbed in my own world, preoccupied with trying to make sense of it all. So today's post is gonna talk about what else I've noticed.

I've noticed that all of life's much of a distraction. A distraction that keeps one from reaching the point. You noe, there's this song by Collin Raye that goes something like, 'If it all falls apart, I will noe deep in my heart; in this life, I was loved by you'? I really love that song, and I guess it's cos I can really relate to the heart of that song, which is letting everything else in life go and embracing the one point that matters. Lately I keep sensing this little voice in me that keeps reiterating these words: "Don't miss the point".

I believe I'm not the only one who discovered this point about not missing the point; the Teacher who wrote the book Ecclesiastus did say that everything under the sun is meaningless. Pretty depressing at first, but I guess I do understand what can be gleaned out of that. We should live life to the fullest, 'according to our lot', but we have to remember not to miss the point. What's the point? Some may ask. To me, it depends on the situation, on your journey. Wherever you are, wherever God has placed you. Ask yourself and ask God.

Cos if life is a pot of water and we are to be like teabags, then circumstances will be like fire as well as other elements that affect the tea-making process. And the point is to wait it out for the water to reach boiling point. But till we reach boiling point, our ability to diffuse really depends on the way our teabag is made. The filter bag and the tea leaves are determined by the Teamaker. Ok. Too cheem for some.

I don't know, I just found myself coming back to this point as a conclusion to most of my decision making. You have realized your spiritual gifts, for example. What's the point then? Just to be a good steward of the gifts you are given. It has nothing to do with character. You've converted from Catholicism to Christianity. What's the point then? I just saw a banner at my old church that says, "Life in the Spirit Seminar. We invite you to experience a personal and living relationship with Jesus." It doesn't matter if you're Christian or not in name sometimes. God's in the business of changing lives. If we only change our perspective from being doomed to redeemed but allow no further control and transformation by the Spirit I wonder what we can say when the time comes to meet Him.

So point is, don't miss the point. The meeting point.

Mantou at 11:19 PM

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Wednesday, May 23, 2007

The joy of being a blessing

You know I'm beginning to notice a strange phenomenon. We Christians seem to have a weird sense of finding joy in the things we do. Sure, we all have our interests and passions. But there's this other faculty I don't ever recall having before I was a Christian. Who in their right or left mind would risk being hurt to bring joy to someone else?

This post, I have many things to share about this topic.

First, Mother's Day. Yes, the occasion so dreadfully mentioned a few posts back. I did go get the gift, and a card, and wrote some mushy stuff on it, and left it on the dining table, addressed to my mom. Others may think this is something very menial and not worth mentioning, but put in the context that I was hurt a gazillion times by her and it already sounds like a miracle that I make that move. In response, I get an sms that expresses her gratitude as well as a request to have meals together. I take the opportunity to invite her out for a meal at Soup Spoon, knowing she loves cream soups. All this while, at the back of my mind, I must have told myself I must be nuts, that I don't know what I'm getting myself into. But on the other hand, I know a side of me is relieved and quite happy that my gesture did make way for a reconciliation. It doesn't mean the road ahead is a bed of roses, but it does mean I keep walking in His will. And that makes me feel safe. Somehow.

Second, there's my ministry in the bowling team. A door was open for me to introduce God to them through singing worship songs and saying a short prayer before every competition. I was really scared at that notion, because this was a team that was a majority of unbelievers. To sing worship songs would mean blatantly declaring God's presence in the place aka suicide. Well it's not that bad but I seriously doubted that was a wise idea. But things made sense after a while and I did go ahead with the idea and found myself singing 'You never let go' with the kids on the first day of the competition. To cut the long story short, there were varied responses, from neutral to outright protest that it's a waste of time, to outright participating in the singing. Over the few days of competition it felt like a roller coaster ride for me, being encouraged at one point that my efforts were appreciated, and being discouraged at another when I saw a card I made for them being crumpled and unappreciated by another. And again I found myself wondering, why am I putting myself through this? Why risk getting laughed at, jeered at, rejected and hurt as an expense from blessing them with God's love? And I was laughed at, my efforts ignored and even protested against. I got the feeling that they held no regard for me as a mentor at all. But I ignored all those nagging negative thoughts and went on anyway trying to be faithful in making use of the opportunity as best as I could. I can say it paid off well, cos God opened my eyes to see one person in there who was ready to receive the good news, and answered my prayer to supernaturally intervene to ensure a glorious victory for him. More on that next time, but my point is, it's just something I find so amazing and perplexing all at the same time. Where are we getting the strength and resolve to risk our own comfort being threatened to be a blessing to others?

Sometimes it takes the form of giving up our own selfish ways. We all would not mind being a selfless person if it helps you gain recognition and reputation. That's the irony. 'I wanna be selfless cos that's culturally accepted in the Christian context', one might think. Well, the truth is it goes against our human nature to be selfless, or at least quit being selfish, and sure hurts as hell because all that's left is a trust that God will provide for you in return. And we all know how painful it is to be waiting.

Being a blessing means you give up taking centerstage, and letting God take the glory, and the blessed take the - well, blessing. The good news is we could never have been able to bless if we weren't blessed ourselves. But to him/her who has, more shall be given! So that we will keep on magnifying His glory! Awesome stuff huh? Not quite, cos it's tough to do that sometimes. Especially when being a blessing involves having to make some hard decisions that can be misunderstood. But oh well, no need for risk = no need for hope = no need for trust = no need for God = no need for living purposefully. Period.

Mantou at 11:58 PM

1 comments

Friday, May 11, 2007

Blogger is working fine again!

Haha.. Just for those blogspot users out there who's been using Singnet ISP and has been getting distorted editor's page recently like me, I'm proud to tell you I humbled myself and visited the Blogger's help page and FOUND THE ANSWER!! Haha.. So I'm sharing it with you sly folks out there who read my blog but won't admit it the remedy to the problemo.. =)

Because the remedy, is the expe-ri-ence...

All you have to do, when a distorted editor's page greets you, is to go to your address bar, and type a '2' after the word, 'www' so it becomes http://www2.blogger.com/whatever your blog ID is.. Get it?? It's so simple!

Mantou at 12:07 AM

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Thursday, May 10, 2007

The Day My Bro Made My Day

"Funny but it seems I always wind up here with
you" - Kelly Carpenter.

Indeed it's funny how the reality of a friendship
hits you all of a sudden. And it's not exactly a
Eureka moment too. Just one of those times
you begin to truly enjoy with all abandonment
a friendship you've come to be so familiar with.
Guess it's just a moment sentimentalists like
me will notice, like the way you suddenly notice
you've grown up. I'm glad about the way this
friendship has grown.

I must make mention of a hallmark that I've
established with no one else before in my entire
life. It speaks about the way I've grown as well
as the way Royston has grown. Not to mention
that it speaks volumes about the way we've
witnessed each other's life journey.

Spontaneity. The word we've affirmed inherent in
this friendship for years now as manifested (for
lack of a better word) in the most amazing way
today. It was just something that caught my
attention about the opinions this crazy bro of
mine has.
Out of the sheer nature of our friendship, the
comment sounded like a tagline that's only
unique to him. I then came up with a crazy
idea of authoring a book that would record all
the quirky quotes that he haphazardly spills
out so frequently. So I penned down in my
notebook his comment in this way:

"Royston's Opinion on Life"
On Zen: "The belief that a human being is a
calm creature that just needs a tilam to sleep
on."

I tell you, that about cracked me up till I had
stitches! Does anyone else find it as funny?
I'm not sure, but it sure is original to me. =)
And I guess it's just the way he says it in his
signature straight-faced-but-mildly-amused-at
-his-ingenuity manner that makes it a winner.

So I will venture to collate all the quirky quotes
he has and make a book someday. I leave you
with a few teasers.

On Fame: "One way to get suitors. See William
Hung like that oso can get suitors. Just bang
here, bang there, everywhere.."

On attraction:  "The worst part of me is that I attract
the wrong sex".

On lounge music: "Sounds like Kenny G on heroin,
blowing through his nose".

Someday we'll make it big huh?

Mantou at 11:28 PM

2 comments

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Can't think of a title for this post

Many a nights sittin' here just a mullin' o'er the events of my life. Oh what a life it's showing itself to be..

I come home every day just wondering how I ever got through it, where the strength and wisdom comes from. Peter made sense when he replied Jesus, "Where can I go? In You we have the words of eternal life".

I come home and turn the key. I am greeted by an altar with the Nativity statues and other paraphernalia that symbolizes the Catholic faith. For nights now there have been a lit-candle in a holder that signifies an offertory to God. Today it is replaced with a cup of oil with a flaming wick. It seems to speak of the embers of faith glowing in my mom. I am encouraged and discouraged at the same time. It is a weird, indescribable feeling. I take comfort in the fact that at least my mom is prayerful. I know though that she prays to mary. That saddens me. I continue on in the dark to the kitchen and switch on the lights. The illumination greets me harshly and I see the usual envelopes on the table. None are for me today..

I'm mullin' tonight about the upcoming recruitment drive. I wonder what God wants to teach me through this event. It's the weirdest thing that up till now I have no solid inspiration to work with. Just a collation of video clips and some more to cover tomorrow. I'm brought to the point where I'm reminded this is something God has a hand in. He's been faithfully providing for many years now, not to mention pave the way for the ministry to be birthed. I'm just playing a small part in inviting others to join the race. Things have been falling into place smoothly so far. The magazine that's due today has been completed except for a few pics here and there. I gotta admit His favor's really been with me. All the interviews I arranged to be conducted have been completed.

Now what's the next move, Lord?

Mantou at 11:15 PM

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Monday, May 07, 2007

Mulling Over Mother's Day...

Dum dum dee dee.. Dum dum dee dee..

Recommendation #1: Never take a walk at the mall if you know an occasion's around the corner. It can be potentially depressing.

Recommendation #2: If you have to take a walk, DO NOT enter Metro.

*sighz* Since the last outburst I have not been able to speak to my mom. And I've only seen her once. I hear her everyday through a wooden door where she coops herself in her room watching her TV serials. The last outburst was more than a month ago. It was an ugly scene. I have a dented doorknob to prove my point. Since then I come home to a dark and lightless house every night. I had wondered at one point how long I was going to live like that. That thought is lurking somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind. They come back to haunt me along with other disturbing thoughts from time to time. But I digress.

So Mother's Day this time around isn't exactly a joyous occasion. It's an awkward one. I'm plucking up the courage to ask my auntie (sorta my godmother) along to enjoy a meal together at some eating place. Some day I choose as a reason for reconciliation huh. It's not that I don't wish to have anything to do with my mom. Things just happened to cause this rift and now I don't know what to expect with this step I'm going to take (if I take it). There's fear of rejection, retaliation, manipulation, you name it, it's all there. A thousand things could happen man. And I don't know if I'm ready to handle it. And one thing's for sure, it definitely is not going to be an silent night where all's bright and calm.

I think I'll get her a gift and a note and write a few heartfelt words and invite her to respond by sitting for a meal together with my aunt as well. That seems wiser aye?

Mantou at 9:45 PM

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Saturday, May 05, 2007

Life is a disease? An Interesting Conversation

*cracks knuckles* I thought I said goodbye to my blog forever, but I guess I really do want to post in here every once in a while. In fact I can't really remember why I said goodbye in the first place. It's such a nice place to be, this little world where you just pen - ok type - yours thoughts and ramblings.

So here I am once more, and this time I'm typing in paragraphs like a good student should. =) Anyway, this post is to log about the happenings in the school that I'm serving in. It's been a most interesting journey, and I must say much has been learned in my time here. I feel good standing where I am now, and it's really by the grace of God.. I've learned much about worship leading in my quiet little role as a worship leader of sorts in my prayer meetings with the mentors, I've learned much about waiting for inspiration to use media to reach out to students, and what fascinates me the most is the opportunities I get to disciple new Christians as well as to seek out seekers and make friends with them. Every day I end the day feeling a sense of fulfillment I can't really explain.

And then there's relationships! Godly ones, crazy ones, godsends, He's just leading me to build relationships with all sorts of people. I have a mentor who pours out his life into me and shares with me and guides me in my ministry as well as personal life, I have a long time buddy - the one I spend time with religiously every week, who shares a special bond with me that's hard to describe, I have a counselor who commits to seeing me through my family issues and working through the inner healing process with me, a peer accountability partner to help keep me in check in my walk with God, a cell group whom I'm getting more and more attached to, I mean where's all this coming from?? Blessings, blessings, blessings! From the Father of Lights who gives good gifts to His children.

Of course I'm not just receiving.. I like to think of it as a channel.. I receive freely so I can give freely.. I'm given the opportunity to pour my life into three disciples, and every meeting with them leaves me feeling excited for them. I mean now it's just new life kit. There's gonna be more equipping along the way and I really pray they keep growing in Christ. By the grace of God I'm also gonna start a guitar course next week with two students. Interesting catch is I will evangelize to them at the end of the course. =) Thank God for His providence. Then there's two seekers I really hope to lead them into the truth about things.. One of them loves playing pool.. Perhaps I can start from there..

The other one, he deserves a whole paragraph just dedicated to him.. Quite a fellow, this guy is.. First learned about him when he was having a talk with another of the mentors. Thought he was quite a character then already.. Speaks with an English accent and when you ask him he tells you his parents are both Singaporeans.. Doesn't it sound familiar? Haha.. Really brilliant fellow and when I met him today he was busy solving a problem for another student who didn't know how to prove that the square root of 2 is irrational. I thought I was seeing a resurrected Einstein or something. So anyway we were about to go our separate ways and I was commenting that this guy was really something and this other student of mine commented that I should hear his theory about life; to him life is a disease. I laughed it off making a smart remark that it sounds like something out of the Matrix, but he kept at it and maintained that life's a disease, going after me when I had made a move. I don't know why but I somehow had a loose tongue so we had a most interesting conversation that goes like this:
Me: No, life is not a disease.
Student: It is a disease, and an incurable one at that.
Me: Death is the disease.
He is taken aback at the sense that made.
Student: How is death a disease? It's just death.
Me: We're dying every day. But there is a cure.
Student: What's the cure?
Me: (beaming) Jesus Christ.
You must think I'm crazy here but you have to know this fella is a church goer with devoted Christian parents. He just refuses to believe.
Student: How is Jesus Christ the cure for death?
Me: He conquered death when He died on the cross.
Student: How can you conquer death by dying? When I die I'm dead. That's it.
Me: (beaming again) He resurrected Himself.
Student: How do you know he resurrected himself? You know the Bible can't be trusted cause it contradicts itself.
Me: How does it contradict itself?
Student: Well the gospels contradict themselves.
Me: They don't, they just are written in different views for different audiences.
Student: Well they give contradicting accounts of who found the tomb empty.
Me: What's the contradiction?
Student: Well (his favorite phrase) one says it was Mary who found it and another says... some shepherd or soldier I can't remember.
Me: Well, it's just a different chronology of events.
Student: (stumped) Well what are you some kind of pastor or teacher?
Me: I'm a Mentor, and we do a bit of what we call apologetics.. I gotta run but if you're interested we could talk some more next time.

Let me stop here. There's a bit more but well you get the drift. I hardly know what I was doing but on looking back it caught his attention! Soon I bumped into him again and this time I offered to do a study on the book "The Case for a Creator" by Lee Strobel with him. He seemed interested enough. God knows what kind of grave I dug myself into. But I'm excited for obvious reasons. This fella's not gonna stand against the truth if he's trying to refute it! And man one can only imagine what happens when he utterly convinced of a God who cares and loves him.

Check back soon.

Mantou at 12:05 AM

3 comments

Thursday, February 22, 2007

The Testimony, One Final Post

Yeah. Some have said this blog has been too religious for reading pleasure. No comments for that one, just hope that this final post has a good mix of reality with spirituality.

My Story

Life before a relationship with the Savior

I come from a family with very strict parental guidance. Discipline would be meted out very frequently in my younger days, to the point that it was nearly a daily affair, and at times abusive in nature. It made me view the world as a very unsafe place, being in need of me proving my worth and sincerity before I could be accepted.

I remember as a young boy my response to that view was to manipulate people by fabricating a story that was an exaggeration of my situation; I told my peers and teachers in primary school that I had step-parents who favored my brother more than me. They noticed that I had some odd behaviors and some genuinely concerned teachers really believed my story and sought to do something about it. It did not occur to me that they would talk to my parents about it. Of course, they spoke to my parents and felt foolish that they had believed a little kid. I was of course punished severely by my parents and marked by my teachers. And I was left feeling very bad about myself and unworthy of love.

As I grew up I faced oppression by a brother who sought to gain some control of his world by bullying me, but he was a significant influence to me because I could not look to my parents for guidance. I then sought to please him and that behavior spread to my peers and I became a people-pleaser. That behavior was reinforced as I helped my dad as a promoter of household appliances; we would say anything just to make the customer feel good about buying the product. From allowing myself to be hurt, I grew to become a person who cannot be trusted because I dished out promises that I could not keep, but said them in a bid to boost my image. People around me could not see me as who I am because I had buried my real self and portrayed a public self.

Christ is the answer

I got to hear about God through catechism classes that I attended as a young boy when my parents converted to Catholicism. Somehow He seemed to be a distant and aloof God to me as a Catholic. I remember growing in awareness of sin and its nature as I attended the lessons, and feeling an impending sense of condemnation and guilt. There was a custom of entering the confession box to confess your sins to a priest and doing penance to cleanse yourselves of the sins committed and that always made me feel worse and helpless about my sins. Confessing my sins to a priest I didn’t even know meant there were only ‘acceptable’ sins like telling lies that were confessed.

In my tertiary studies in Ngee Ann polytechnic I met a Christian who started discussing spiritual issues with me. Due to my background in Catholicism I was open to discussing such topics and got very good at pretending to be philosophical. By then my faith in Catholicism had waned and I was not defensive about the claims that he made towards Catholics being wrong in their beliefs about God. I then started attending church events with him, at the same time maintaining my involvement in my Catholic church as a choir member. I began to see a stark difference in the way the services were conducted, and the way the sermons were taught. What I did in my Catholic church I did as a ritual, a rite and a routine. How the congregation responded during my friend’s church services were spontaneous and sincere. ‘These people around me really believe in a God that’s alive and involved!’ I thought. The pastors in these services also seemed to invite people who had not known Christ to come to know Him. That never happened in my church.

At the point in time that I was attending these services my relationship with my parents was a mess, and I had left home and was putting up at my then girlfriend’s place. One service, the pastor got a prophetic vision and started declaring that he saw, among other things, a person who had left home and needs to go home. I was shocked, and later responded by going forward for prayer. During prayer, I suddenly felt my legs give way but I fought to stay upright. My friend encouraged me to give in to that sensation and I then fell forward and started trembling uncontrollably. After that, I was convicted to make my way home and found that my parents had a big fight and my mom needed my support. That was the first encounter with God and it made me believe God was interested in my life. I continued to attend these services. There was one event that I went to for the purpose of lending support to a course junior who was performing that I was led by a pastor to pray the sinner’s prayer.

For the good of those who love Him

I began to attend services at COR regularly, and the reality of God in my life made me hungry for more knowledge of Christianity. I had also just entered the army and was eager to prove to myself and others that I had been changed by Christianity. In that environment where masculine hormones were raging, vulgarities and scantily clad pictures of women were rampant, and I remained steadfast in my faith and maintained my integrity, at the same time growing in fame as a Christian.

Six months into being a Christian, my girlfriend broke up with me and I saw it as God closing the door on a relationship that was hindering my walk with Him. I spent some time recovering and read books that had Christian views on pursuing romantic relationships, and realized I had been in a relationship for all the wrong reasons.

I began devoting my time and energy to learning all I could about Christianity and serving as a Christian. Two years into being a Christian, the time came for me to pass out from the army and face the world again. I remembered my calling to be a counselor early on in my walk with Christ and my inclinations toward ministering to friends and family members on personal issues. I started praying to God for an opportunity to serve him as a counselor. Soon after, the youth congregation started publicizing about the Mentor’s Ministry and that triggered my interest. I started asking around and the ex-Mentors were more than happy to share their testimonies. Ron, my fellow Mentor, even challenged me to fast and pray about it, which I did. I applied for the position, got interviewed and before I knew it I was on-board.

Little did I know that I was still holding on to a warped view of who God is and what it means to be a Christian. I had entered Christianity thinking that God had made the world without original sin and our goal was to live a holy life pursuing ideals that the Bible has instructed us to follow. Instead of being a people-pleaser in a bid to gain their approval, I had turned my attention to being a God-pleaser in a bid to gain His approval! However, He started breaking me down and caused me to realize His unconditional love and acceptance for me and that my redundant efforts in trying to gain His approval were burning me out. The Father heart of God slowly peeled away the layers of lies I had believed in about my unworthiness and prompted me to seek help to understand who I was in Christ. Help started pouring in as I acknowledged my brokenness before God and His family. I saw then that I was motivated by fear and insecurity but God intends for me to experience His love and be transformed by it so as to become an agent of His love.

I am still in the process of healing, but I know now that I am in good hands. Three years into being a Christian, I am now learning to put my genuine trust in Him and learning that my Heavenly Father is faithful and dependable, unlike my earthly parents.

Mantou at 9:56 PM

1 comments

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Sabotage

Question: What is sabotaging my relationship with God and preventing His holiness from transforming my life?
This is a tough question because usually there are many factors. I'm no exception. I don't think it's meant to be any other way; that is to say, we can have a smooth sailing relationship with God and attain instantaneous holiness. I realize there are many factors that are distracting me and affecting the quality of my relationship with God and His people. Many of these factors stem from deep rooted issues from my past. And I realize they can still have a hold on me for as long as I believe in the wrong values my past has taught me. I thank God for being so faithful to bring to light these issues and help me realize what is harmful to me. But that's only as much as He would do if He does not wish to infringe on our wills. Besides, He's already done what was needed to set me free from my past a long time ago.
When I begin to look at it from His point of view I realize it's quite absurd why I would still allow myself to be bound by my past. It kinda negates what He has done for me; it's like He pays a hefty price for my freedom but I still allow myself to be bound. If I were Him I'd be utterly dismayed at my behavior. But our Loving Father goes one step further and stays true to His nature and faithfully beckons us to draw near to receive His blessings and claim His promises for us (read Victory over Darkness).
After I accepted Christ there are still many areas in my life I did not entrust to God to take care of. That has not only been harmful for me and the people around me, it has also sabotaged my relationship with Him. So what is sabotaging my relationship with God? I believe they are, spiritually speaking, spirit of compromise, fear of man, and lies that I'm believing in about myself. Interestingly I also realize I'm too eager to trust in people's character. ASSUME. Making an ass out of u and me. But the spirit man inside me is far from satisfied with the kind of life I'm leading and wants me to step into the supernatural realm of faith. I pray for God to reveal to me who I am in Christ, that entitles and enables me to live in the Spirit.

Mantou at 10:49 PM

1 comments

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Warm up post

Wow.. It's been a long while since I last posted in here. The lack of a personal computer at my disposal has taken its toll. It's increasingly hard to write when I'm at work too cos I've got real work to do finally.. Haha.. I miss my com!! It's got the coolest most customized desktop that I can't have at work or anywhere else.. *sighz* So what's been happening in my life so far? Much. But much has been in limbo too. With regards to my family life we're pretty much in the eye of the storm for now and just bracing ourselves and waiting for 'da bomb'. If you know what I mean. Of course we're not gonna wait until the cows come home but there really is not much we can do now but wait.
This Christmas I finally tasted the true meaning of it all. Within my spirit I just saw a vast difference between the way the world is celebrating Christmas to what it really means. It's a really special one cos I found myself blessed enough to be able to be blessing others (despite my current situation) and using the opportunity to express my gratitude at the way friends have been there for me all this while, through it all.. It's amazing how I can still keep my spirits up despite all that is happening but I have God to thank for, and the family of believers He has placed me in, that I am able to have a community of support across the ages (from youths to adults). Taught me a really big lesson about the importance of community. That's why we are called to think globally but act locally. If you can't think of any way to serve in the community you are living in, most likely global ministry is out of the question. I'm seriously thankful and joyful about being able to bless people all around me in terms of gifts, fellowship and all..
It was nice to have my postcard project involving some of my cell members.. Felt so communal and all.. It was nice. Much better than when it was just Ashley and me. It was a real struggle! But yesterday was a breeze.. No man is an island.. Hmm maybe I should change my title to 'Living in a community'.

Mantou at 1:41 PM

3 comments

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Happy Birthday to me

"Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; 4 and perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

In many ways, as a Christian, life somehow becomes much more eventful. Even your birthdays will never be the same again. I will be confirmed soon. In less than 24 hrs I will be certified a Christian. The grown ups like it that way. Everything has to be documented. Memories fail them quite easily. I have been a Christian for 2 years, and I've known about God even longer than that. Took me two years for His perfect plan to come to pass. I'm learning about perseverance alright. This must be a pretty significant event spiritually because man are things happening or are things happening. Nonetheless, glory's not just for the good times. A soldier's battle scars will be transformed into medals of honor.

Safe in a crazy world

I try to smile my tears away, I try to keep my cool
Oh but one more door gets in my way, I feel like such a fool
Trampled and bitter my heart just wants to bleed and stop, believing in me
It feels like nothing is for certain, and that nothing comes for free
When they're lowering the curtain to theTheatre of my dreams
I stumble and I crumble and I'm sinking to my knees but you, you cradle me

You keep me flying, You keep me smiling, You keep me safe in a crazy world
You understand me, Embrace my fragility, You keep me safe in a crazy world
And in your arms I find the strength to believe in me again

Noise keeps chasing me, No matter where i go
Oh and life likes pretending that it's on a tv show
When it's hard to tell what's real
From what the world just wants to preach
You are the voice I seek

You keep me flying, You keep me smiling, You keep safe in a crazy world
You understand me, Embrace my fragility, You keep me safe in a crazy world

'Cause when i'm wrapped up in your arms
Nothing else can touch me
What a wonderful way to recharge
I feel like i can breathe again.
You keep me flying, You keep me smiling, You keep me safe in a crazy world
And in your arms I find the strength, to believe in me again

Mantou at 8:54 AM

1 comments

Friday, December 01, 2006

For the good of those who love Him

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. 29 For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. 30 Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified.
God’s Everlasting Love 31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? 33 Who shall bring a charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36 As it is written: “ For Your sake we are killed all day long; We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.”[c]37 Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. 38 For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, 39 nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Who is this King of Glory? He happens to be my King. Or rather, I happen to be His subject. More than that, I happen to be His son as well! What's so significant about that you say? Well, I'm not sure about you but to me that's the reason why I can still stay in one piece even when my world is falling apart. I shall not be ashamed to say that my family's headed for bankruptcy. Thanks to some poor decisions and habits made by my earthly father, we are now one of the rare families in the 21st century Modern Singapore to be living without a fridge, washing machine, or any other household essentials. Even as I'm typing from my office, they are placing stickers on our possessions back at my earthly home to seize it as their property. Very soon I will have a spacious house. Thankfully my wise mommy has moved my computer to my aunt's house. Else we'd really be primitive. Any prayer warriors out there willing to pray for God to turn this situation for 'the good of those who love him?' Anyone out there who believes that this is not a sign that God has forsaken my family but that it is a natural consequence of my dad's decision and God can use it to bring my parents to look to Him for dependence and salvation? I am assured of that (the wonderful blessings of having a personal relationship with HIm). I wanna say a BIG thank you to all my friends (not a lot really) for being there for me in big and small ways. Every bit from a msg to a hug has helped tremendously. God will bless you who 'gives a tunic to those who have none'. My dad needs heaps of prayer because he's still in denial and wishes to stave off this bankruptcy by more borrowing from friends. Thank you all who will be praying.

Mantou at 11:52 AM

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Saturday, November 25, 2006

Born out of a relationship

Mantou at 12:48 AM

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Monday, November 20, 2006

The Letter

23-25Looking at his disciples, Jesus said, "Do you have any idea how difficult it is for people who 'have it all' to enter God's kingdom?" The disciples couldn't believe what they were hearing, but Jesus kept on: "You can't imagine how difficult. I'd say it's easier for a camel to go through a needle's eye than for the rich to get into God's kingdom."

26That set the disciples back on their heels. "Then who has any chance at all?" they asked.

27Jesus was blunt: "No chance at all if you think you can pull it off by yourself. Every chance in the world if you let God do it."

28Peter tried another angle: "We left everything and followed you."

29-31Jesus said, "Mark my words, no one who sacrifices house, brothers, sisters, mother, father, children, land—whatever—because of me and the Message will lose out. They'll get it all back, but multiplied many times in homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and land—but also in troubles. And then the bonus of eternal life! This is once again the Great Reversal: Many who are first will end up last, and the last first." - Mark 10:23-31, The Message

Dear Heavenly Father,

I learned about Your Holiness today and I thank You for being that way. Nothing in heaven or on earth is going to change Your Holiness. I like it that way cause there's so much stability in that. Allows me to have the confidence to follow You. Sometimes it's not about asking You whether You are with me; I think it's the other way around; You can't answer what You've already answered again and again anyway. You've already said You are surely with us even to the end of the age. So in Your Sovereignty You allowed me to see the fact that You still are God and that's just the way it is, no matter what's happening on the ground; whether I've screwed up or someone else has in Your will for me. As long as I cling to You and lean on You, You'll show me the way. Amazing is Your Grace!

Now I'm asked the question. What do You mean to say "no one who sacrifices house, brothers, sisters, mother, father, children, land—whatever—because of me and the Message will lose out."? Is my family situation a strategic distraction by the devil so I can't be what You called me to be? I do know this isn't Your will; the way things are today. That's why I'm contending for restoration and salvation. Seems like the only answer. At the same time I realize things are getting quite tense and it's clouding up my relationship with You especially when I'm persecuted. This battle's Yours not mine right? Better stop getting personal about the things happening and strive to keep my eyes on You and draw strength from You. I can't do this myself. I need Your direction. When to pull back? When to go in?

Walking as You lead,

Vince

Mantou at 12:18 AM

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Thursday, November 16, 2006

Fake Somebody Real Nobody

Many years ago I shared a hobby with my buddy; we'd watch movies at the then happening Ngee Ann poly library. Every movie we watched would remain etched in our minds and permeate from our bodies. We'd imitate and re-enact what we just watched and it'd be the topic for at the very least one week. Those were the days. Well my point is, I once watched this movie called The Talented Mr. Ripley (awesome stuff) and there was this famous quote that goes: "Jazz.. Jazz is just.. Insolent Music". Bull. Actually it was: "I'd rather be a fake somebody than a real nobody" (Now my blog title makes sense aye). Just let me rant alright it's not everytime when you find yourself alone in the house in the middle of the night. I think I'm getting soft. Used to look forward to times like these in the past. Could do just about anything. Now it only amplifies the fact that we're all under one roof living separate lives.
I find myself at the place where I'm asking myself this question tonight. Sometimes I find myself trying to be a fake somebody. Only to find myself to be a real nobody at the end of the day. When the curtain's drawn and the mask is removed and I find myself again I wonder what the act was for. Actually looking back from where I came from I'm much more comfortable being a real nobody nowadays. Cos it means I can let someone else be somebody. A Real Somebody. In me. Nowadays I'd rather give a flawed opinion that's subject to correction than a measured opinion that leaves no room for further conversation. Like opinions that would be widely agreed upon. Applauded upon. Cos truth as it's made out to be ain't really that popular. Beliefs are about as individual as fingerprints nowadays. Wondering when I get have enough confidence and security to just air my opinions without trying to be too diplomatic about it. As if everybody around me is super fragile and could crack if I made an insensitive remark. I'm too quirky in that way. Trying to be a gentleman or something you know. And talking about quirks check out this list I have. Good friends can probably point out a thousand more:
- Compelled to walk in the same rhythm as anyone walking next to me. Even when going up the stairs.
- Making guitar chords in the air from time to time. Watch my left hand when I'm alone in public. I will gnarl my fingers as though I were spastic or something.
- Possess a chest that's too puffed up for my own good. It's been the subject of ridicule among friends who couldn't care to be sensitive or 'Christ-like'.
- Possess pneumatic looking fingers.
- Possess a long neck.
- Have a buddy I hang out with almost religiously it's causing ppl to think we're more than friends. (I shall not care to elaborate the terms of reference)
The list goes on.. Love me or hate me. I honestly don't care. And I mean it.

Mantou at 11:48 PM

3 comments

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Cabe Hijau Tua: [zha bei ee jao tu-ah] Old green chilli

" 1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. 2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.
4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part. 10 But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.
11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 12 For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.
13 And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love. " - 1 Cor 13

I can't deny I'd found a true friend. I'm sorry this story is scarred in this way. But I can't believe God caused our paths to cross for no reason. Or that the story ends here.

The greatest of these is love. It also stands as the greatest challenge to date. The weekend trip to Tanjong Balai amplifies the statement above; the greatest gift we could offer are our genuine acts and expressions of love. And it was the greatest challenge when it cannot be masked by poor substitutes like material comforts and empty promises or consolations. Yet it is so easy to offer what is often overlooked in hectic lifestyles (which is driven towards early retirement, how ironic); pure and simple human connection via time spent and companionship given. Never mind if half the time what is spoken is not understood; there is something so essential in human companionship that it's sufficient to touch the Balai folks. Someday I pray the believers there will be equipped to come over here to do outreach. They sure could teach us a thing or two about not missing out what's important in life! Not to mention the pure and simple faith they have in a living God. Didn't take much education for them to know the love of Christ, still it resides strongly in them.
As you can see, I had a blessed time! Sometimes all God requires is obedience. The rest will be added onto us who knows full well how weak we are. It didn't matter how much (or little) confidence you have in serving. Once you don't have the right spirit no lives would be touched by what you're doing. I love listing down my first time experiences! They make me realize how much God has blessed me:
- Definitely the first time I expended so much Hokkien and Teochew vocab in my entire life (I was translator la..)
- First time praying in dialect.
- Worshipping in dialect.
- Seeing a Bahasa Indon Bible
- Leading children in altar response.. In Hokkien!
- Having children repeat a dialect prayer after me (even when I said, 'Wrong, it's tend Your sheep not mine.. -_-")
- Walking along a kelong
- Seeing a man with so much determination and enthusiasm in life he isn't going to let a dystrophied leg stop him from experiencing life to the full. I will miss him and his tender heart and uninhibited demeanor.
The list is not exhaustive; shall talk more when the opportunity arrives.
So love is the essential thing. A memorable gift I got was from a sweet little girl I affectionately call Cabe Kechil (Chilli Padi). It's a simple slip of paper that says, "Jesus love you. You very love Jesus. Thanky you very much, you care me. May God bless you. Jesus love you. For: (cartoon version of me with glasses) cabe hijau tua virsent ko-ko. From: (cartoon drawing of her) cabe kechil mary"

It tugs at my heart like..! Notes make me feel loved.. This one definitely was dripping with sincerity..
If you open your eyes to see the love in the world around you, you can tell romance to take a backseat. I'm sad to have left. It felt as though I was leaving a part of my heart behind. It always hurts when that happens. And this is the second blow in a period of days. Though not as hard it still leaves me feeling poignant.
Looking back when we first started,
I never thought I'd see this day.
If only I could write the pages,
our story wouldn't end this way..

Mantou at 11:05 PM

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Friday, November 10, 2006

What a difference a day made..

Mantou at 8:42 PM

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Thursday, November 09, 2006

The Fruit, the Seed and the Weed

“But someone will say, “You have faith, and I have works.” Show me your faith without your[d] works, and I will show you my faith by my[e] works.” James 2:18

I have often struggled to understand this concept of being faith-oriented versus being service-oriented. Walk with God or serve God? Let’s take the recent event as an example. Clearly Ted Haggard was serving God. Was he walking with God? I would think somewhere along the line the works became dead and faithless. Works and faith cannot be separated.

Thank God for the revelation unveiled recently. I shall attempt to explain the relationship between faith and works. As my title suggests, faith is likened to the seed of a fruit, and works the fruit of the seed. The interesting thing is, does the seed come first or the fruit come first (sounds like the chicken or egg question huh)? If I apply it to my conversion it was the fruit that came first. I took the fruit that came from someone else’s life and used it to nurture my faith. The thing is, did I take the person’s fruit and just take it to be mine? It will surely rot! There have been times in my life when I just read a book and try to emulate the lifestyle of the person and find that it dies off after a while (fruit has rot). I learned then that the only thing that you can extract out of a lesson is a seed. Don’t matter if you learned it from the Bible, a preacher, an author, or a word from God. You get a seed. Some call it belief. Others call it faith. But it’s a seed all the same. And seeds will grow in the way you nurture it to grow. “I will show you my faith by my works” This means by my fruit you can see how I’ve been nurturing my seed. Prayer, Meditating on the Word, Those who know about horticulture will know about this phenomenon called weeds. They are not planted by you, but somehow they grow along side your seed. If not removed it chokes the seed and it dies. I love planting. Did it for a good two years as a business. It taught me a lot. Now I’m in the business of horticulture again. The plant? Myself.

“I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.” John 12:24

Mantou at 4:06 PM

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Tuesday, November 07, 2006

The road is long.. With many winding roads..

"You must be strong in the Lord. Stand firm, be prepared for persecution even as we reach out to your parents"

Those words were grim, but I was too grateful to even think about the weight of the meaning. I thank God for answering my prayers! He has sent me not one, but two people to help.. It was a nerve wrecking moment when I popped the question, " I'd like to know if you all are able to.. I feel that my mom needs.. I think it would do her good if someone is committed to reaching out to her.. Not just touch and go.." The following answer initially sounded grim. Uncle Peter went, "I think I will be frank and share this upfront with you," completely oblivious to the fact that my face fell at that remark, and he went on saying "It's not a matter of whether we want to or not", at this point I was bracing myself already, and he finished saying, " It's a matter of we must" . I was stunned to say the least! But really thankful that they have committed themselves to reach out to my mom. Thank God.

Mantou at 10:24 PM

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Saturday, November 04, 2006

Just a fraction of His concern

Thank God for speaking through Esther, giving me the psalm that reminds me of the Sovereignty of God. (Check out the verse on link) I will claim the promise that my help comes from the Lord who will uphold the oppressed and feed the hungry. I was given the assurance that God was many times more concerned about the situation than I was; that's why He would send me in the first place anyway. Prayed some more for my parents today. There's a breakthrough in my prayer today. Felt the burden literally being placed on me as I prayed for them, praying almost as if I myself was in their shoes. It's energy draining, but it fulfills the law of Christ; that is to bear the burdens of one another. One more thing I prayed was for the Holy Spirit to be released to touch them, to convict them, to reveal the Father's love to them. It's my belief that above all their needs it's really the touch of the Holy Spirit they need the most. That the Holy Spirit hovers over them and prevents them from further damage and leads them to the Father. I want them to be born again! I'm meeting my financial advisor on Thurs to discuss matters. Still not sure how to bring it up but I thank God she's a Christian.. Makes things much easier. Once again, God really shows His love and support and personal interest in the situation in so many ways. To those who are lending their support in prayer and encouragement, I sincerely thank God for you.

Mantou at 11:42 PM

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Friday, November 03, 2006

Putting Jigsaw Pieces together

Praise God for Reverend John Loong. Met up with him two days ago and had a heart to heart talk with him over a tim sum lunch. ^_^ There's much to learn and much to do. To cut it all short, as I shared my family's issue with him, he pointed out a few key issues that need to be tackled first. One, to protect my family's assets; the roof above our heads. At the rate my dad is going, we're headed towards losing it. I have decided to meet up with my financial advisor from Finexis to see if she has any bright ideas to provide or network to link me to. It's a shot in the dark but I'm praying for God to work through this for a breakthrough. Two, stabilize the situation on my mom's side first. Get her a job, and get her to stay in the job. That calls for some counseling, be it formal or informal. I'm meeting up with Aunt Doreen when she comes back from Shanghai. To be honest I'm not very confident about this bit cos the issues of insecurity and low self esteem really takes quite a bit to restore. Best way is for her to know the love of God, but there's no forcing it on her. It's gotta be a step by step thing. As for my dad, there's really a lot of intercession in prayer that's needed before there can be a next step to take. Thank God for another hurdle to cross. At least we're getting somewhere.

Mantou at 9:41 AM

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Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Prayer is the key to the door of Promise

Day 2 since the decision to make a breakthrough. Here's an update on what's been happening since:

I resolved to 'get serious' and make the commitment to seek the Lord to find out what to do about my situation. As mentioned before, He gave me the verse Isaiah 61:1-3 and so I'm meditating on that verse for now. Praise God, because when you start to seek, He starts to show you where the answers are. As I was in the office about to do my quiet time, a book on the table caught my eye. The title literally jumped out at me. INTERCESSORY PRAYER. How apt. Incidentally, God has been prompting me recently to stand in the gap for my cell members and pray for them. I thought this book would be useful, so I borrowed it. I tell you, every Christian struggling to understand the power in their prayers should read that book! Thank God for the author Dutch Sheets (no paper jokes ya). Anyway, here's a few things that I've found to be the rema word for me this season.

Scripture with regards to interceding for my parents: Galatians 6:9

" And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart."

Charles Spurgeon once said, 'With perseverance the snail reached Noah's Ark".

The book teaches that we play a very important part in establishing the will of God 'on earth as it is in heaven'. I don't have time to explain all that I have read but here's an excerpt from the book that explains what happens in intercession:
'When I approach the throne, He (Jesus) is always there saying something such as: "Father, Dutch is here to speak with You. He isn't coming on his own merits and righteousness, he is here based on Mine. He is here in My Name. I'm sure You remember that I've gone between You and Dutch and provided him access to You. He has a few things to ask You." "Of course I remember Son. You've made him one of Ours. Because he came through You, Dutch is always welcome here." He then looks at me and says, Come boldly to My throne of grace, Son, and make your request known" I am there asking the Father to extend mercy and bring salvation to the people of Tibet. The Father could reply, 'How can I do this? They are sinners. They worship false gods, which is really worshipping Satan. And besides, they don't even want Me to do this. They themselves have never asked.' I answer, 'Because Jesus interceded or mediated for them, Father. I am asking based on what He did. And He needs a human on earth to ask for Him because He is in heaven now. So, as He taught me, I'm asking for your Kingdom to come and Your will to be done in Tibet. I'm asking for some labourers to be sent there. I'm asking these things for Christ through Christ. And I'm asking you to do it based entirely on the redemptive work He has already done." (For comic relief the writer goes on to say, The Father replies, " Right Answer! You heard the man, Gabriel. What are you waiting for?')

I was jumping for joy when I read that, cos it really showed the perfect completion of the work on the cross and how we operate now. Not to produce reconciliation, deliverance or victory, but to release it, to distribute it. 'As the Father sent me, I also send you' John 20:21. Now let me seek God on how this is to be done.

Mantou at 12:37 AM

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Monday, October 30, 2006

BreakThrough!

"But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who DILIGENTLY seek Him." - Hebrews 11:6 (NKJV)

It's been a faith-stretching week for me. Pastor Phil, a guest speaker at our church for the past two weeks (a godsend, really), said it like this: 'For those who want a breakthrough in their lives, they must first be willing to be in a situation that needs a breakthrough'. I couldn't agree more. I'm reminded that that was the reason I was called to return as a prodigal son. Now the only thing is to remember that God wants a breakthrough even more than I want a breakthrough. You see, my family situation is really reaching an urgency that calls for nothing short of a miracle. Dad has gotten 4-5 summons to court for unpaid debts. Mom demanding a divorce. Mom just quit her job. Dad turning to fengshui to better his situation. Mom declaring her rebellion and disobedience against an unjust and cruel God that drives people to the edge.
Two weeks ago Pastor Phil said, 'New levels, new devils'; he meant to say as you reach a new level of relationship with God, there will be a counter contending of that position of reign by the devil. It's no coincidence that even as I made the decision to join the Mentors Ministry that what seemed to be settling down in my family got stirred up again. Somebody's not happy I'm advancing. Ladies and Gentlemen, THIS IS WAR!!
Here's my battle strategy: Obedience.
Here's my account of being obedient (sermon pointers):
2 Chronicles 20:1-30 will be my sword of truth (click on link for full passage)
- Fear God, not our enemies! Fear is a persuasion just like Faith.
- The fear of the Lord is simply loving what He loves, and hating what He hates. Does he love my parents? Definitely. Now the hate part is a little tricky. He hates sin. Plenty of sin ruling my parents' lives at the moment, weighing them down. I will pray against that.
- Get serious! Pray fast. (pun intended) Pray so that God's victory becomes your victory, tie your breakthrough to God's breakthrough. (will meditate on how to translate this to action)
- Get prophetic revelation. Get a word from God! Praise Him, for He has spoken: Isaiah 61:1-3

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners, [a]
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

My parents will be oaks of righteousness when God's breakthrough comes to pass!

- Know God's part, and know your part. Jesus is gonna work through me to let the verses above come to pass. I'm keeping up my spirits!
-Praise precedes victory. Hallelujah Jesus is alive!

Friends, will you stand alongside me and see me through? Keep me in prayer if you felt a stirring in your Spirit. God bless.

Mantou at 11:15 AM

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Sunday, October 15, 2006

Blabber Entry: Truth Pursuit

Many truths to behold, many to put into actions. As they get burned in my mind they replace the concepts I held on to all these years. They reveal more and more glimpses of who God is and who I am in His eyes, what I've been given by this Heavenly Father that loves me so. It's an exciting journey but one that is impossible; we serve a God of the impossible so expect to live a life that is impossible in our own strength and wisdom. Every step of the way expect to feel vulnerable and incarcerated with countless doubts and negative thoughts. The mind is the battleground, but the place to guard is the heart, which is the wellspring to life. Never, ever let the heart be engaged in battle. It will NOT survive. Wherever our weaknesses are, expect to be attacked in that area relentlessly. No enemy is ever going to ram a fortified door. Can we fight alone?? Never. What are we fighting for? What do we hope to gain? Freedom? We already have it. The only way to disarm the enemy is by truth. Not by might, not by power. You can struggle against evil all you want. As long as you believe the lies put in you it will be a battle lost. 2nd Tim 2:22 says Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness. That's a TRUTH PURSUIT. It's futile arguing with the enemy. Everything that proceeds from them are lies. Stamp the truth in your heart and mind, and garner all you have to cling to it, and act on it. Don't for a moment turn your back to God. Doesn't matter how mature you are as a Christian; you always have the choice to disown Him. Compliance, not maturity, is His utmost concern. Today there are people in pubs and bars going towards Him and people in church turning away from Him. Jesus has healing, answers and promises for the faint-hearted and people feeling the wretchedness of their sin. He has none for those who think they are not the worst of the lot; who think they need no confession or restoration. Everyday there's only two things to cling on to. The world (problems)or Jesus (solution). Everyday there's only two choices to make: to believe we're part of the world (problem), or part of Jesus (the solution). No in between. No sitting on the fence. Either you're dealing with the problem or you're letting it simmer and brew an even bigger, stickier problem. It's IMPOSSIBLE AIN'T IT? To choose the right side? Which side are we on??

"But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." James 4:6.

Is there a reason now to be humble and submissive? The line in the sand is drawn; either you're on a side where you are trying to surrender everything to get grace, or the side where you make futile attempts to protect your pride.

Ever wondered what are my heartburning issues? See above. They are the truths I grapple with all the time. My strength grows with my faith.

Mantou at 11:02 PM

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Saturday, October 14, 2006

Rollercoaster Rides are fun for a reason

Well hello there! It's been a while huh.. Well I hope my title explains it.. You can't really do much other than enjoy the ride when you're on a roller coaster can you?

So what kinda roller coaster ride have I been on? I like the way my vicar put it during a farewell assembly chapel. 'One of intoxicating freedom and horrible uncertainties'.
Yes, freedom is not all that rosy. Will talk more when I get the time. It's suffice to say now that God takes a personal interest in my life journey. And that's worth rejoicing about. Who's gonna stand against me?

Mantou at 11:49 PM

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Sunday, October 01, 2006

A Pleasant Surprise

It's just one of those heartwarming moments that hits you when you realize you have been a significant person in someone's life. Not that I always wanted to achieve that, cos all I wanted to do was to serve him in my role as a leader. Wat an encouragement to noe that it has touched him in more ways than one. Here's the heartwarming speech he gave.
"On another hand, lets talk about camp. Vincent Wang ORD today.. Or should i say LTA(NS) Vincent Wang ORDs today. The dude who has always bugged me in office to do things for him has finally ORD.
I am actually feeling abit sad. Will no longer be able to see the person who i have begun to see as my Officer, my friend and i'm admitting this for the first time.. my bro, in the office. So yeah.. he grew on me. That so called 'Thank you and goodbye speech he gave during last roll call.. That "Leaving On A Jet Plane" song he sang while playing on his guitar just before we booked out actually did hit a soft
spot. Sure gonna miss it."

Awww.. Isn't it sweet? Thank God for such an opportunity to bring the light of His love into one person's life in such a manner. May it draw him closer to the reality of God's love. He may be a Muslim but God is a God of the Impossible. Nothing's impossible for Him.

Mantou at 11:24 PM

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Friday, September 29, 2006

The Once is a Lifetime ORD Entry

I have ORD-ed! ^_^ It's gonna happen only once so definitely I'll have to log it. :p But got no time.. Haha.. SO HERE'S HOW IT'S SUMMED UP! MY COMMISSIONING DAY SONG. LOOK OUT FOR THE THANKSGIVING ENTRY SOON!

"Wake Me Up When September Ends"

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my fathers come to pass
seven years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my father's come to pass
twenty years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends - Green Day

Mantou at 7:17 PM

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Saturday, September 23, 2006

The Hunt for...

Red October? Nah.. Recently got a copy of FIRST DEGREE, that led to a bout of websurfing to scout out possibilities of furthering my education in relation to my career as a counselor. It is a relief to know that there are many options available.

The one that fascinates me the most is this website: http://www.allianzassoc.com/diploma-practical-skills-counselling.htm

Looks like I'm taking the adult learner's route of advancement. No more full time studies, which mean bye bye to campus life experiences. It's quite interesting to note that the academic possibilities in Singapore has evolved so much since the time I was in Secondary School (was that eons ago??). Back then it was either local or overseas universities, or it stops at wherever you are; JC or Poly. Nowadays people of all walks of can get proper certification for whatever field of work they are in. I mean, if I were still in that era and I'm facing financial constraints like I am today, that would mean I would have to give up all hopes of studying and begin working with the skills and knowledge I have. I'm thankful I'm able to pursue my studies without having to compromise my means of income. How's that for an entry worthy of advertising? *grins*

Mantou at 10:50 AM

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Thursday, September 21, 2006

A Sense of Betrayal

Sense of Betrayal = Sense of Foolishness + Sense of Anguish + A Stark Realization at the ugliness of the World + Sense of Being Used + Shedding of some Naivete + Building barrier to protect self.
It's a very yucky feeling especially when your intention was to love another in compassion and you took the risk to basically trust someone despite knowing that person's dubious past. It's like hugging someone when you know the person possesses a knife believing that he will not stab you but in the end he did. Ouch. Pain worsens when you find out that you had unknowingly been made the accomplice of his selfish schemes. Why didn't you sense the obvious warning signs? You ask yourself. You would have stopped a person from getting his way if you had been more objective or if you had not been so personal.
Lesson learnt: When you are in a position where your decision of someone's direction affects more than just you and the other person it is important to be objective and not allow your world to become revolving around you and that person alone. For no one else can be responsible for your actions or consequences and everyone is depending on you to make a wise decision.
Honestly this is not the first time I've been betrayed. Basically it's cos I prefer to believe that the people around are good in nature; just that they are being misled. I'm beginning to realize that's a half truth, because a person is responsible for the choices he/she makes. One plays a part in allowing oneself to be misled. Time to grow up.

Mantou at 9:57 PM

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Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Lost Puppy

A heartwrenching sight greeted me as i entered the office this morning. My guys had brought in a lost puppy! They found it while running along the coastal route this morning. It was whimpering and shivering and oh so heartwrenching! But it was also the cutest thing I had ever seen, as it was, after all a puppy.. Wish I could have brought it home.. Instead, my chief clerk brought it home. After her usual manipulative statements of making herself sound right and everyone else wrong, that is. Anyway, had a good time cuddling it and feeding it. It just loved to lick my hands though for the life of me I couldn't figure out why.. I love puppies! Though this one, sadly will grow up looking like a dingey.

Mantou at 8:55 PM

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Saturday, September 16, 2006

FlashBacks Entry #1

This is the first of my flashback entries. I believe flashbacks are an aid to discover why I am who I am today. They help me to see my responses, my behavior, circumstances and how it has affected me. Hmm.. At the rate I am going my blog should have fewer readers in time to come.. :p So here goes the flashback..

I was brought back to my primary school days. I was having a school camping trip. That day we were going down to the beach to learn how to canoe. We gathered around the edge of the sea and Miss Tham was giving us an intro about canoeing. It was then that my classmates and I saw the biggest spider in our entire life. It was the size of our palms back then. The web (the size of a small corkboard) that was spun was intricate,using two beams of the canoe yard as the base, and the spider was just immaculately perched in the middle of the web. My classmates were gawking at the spider and expressing disgust and fear. I was known as an insect and amphibian lover back then. I remember having excitement mixed with an awesome fear. It was too close for comfort yet I was strangely drawn to it. I took note of the unique designs the spider had on its body; shiny green stripes around the abdomen. My friends asked me what kind of spider it was. I did a mental search in my memory bank for some fanciful name of a spider I had read about and spurted in out. I didn't think they believed me. They were nonethewiser so it was left at that. We went out to sea for our first trip out to sea. It was a sort of surfboard so our legs were in the water while we held on to then enormous looking oars. I remember I was intent on following the instructions to twist the oars before digging it in the water. It was a fun time. When we returned to shore I noticed that there was a slipper floating out at sea. It belonged to one of my classmate. I told Miss Tham about it and volunteered to go get it back, having full confidence in my life jacket and had no sense of danger. Miss Tham was influenced by the confidence in my tone. She sent me out and so i waded out to the sea to get it. I was only halfway there when I heard her telling me to swim. I continued wading, senses becoming dull. One of my classmates stripped of his jacket and started to swim there. Yes I was from ACS (All Can Swim). He started much later than me but was able to get there sooner. I remember feeling that I had been a smart aleck, putting my nose in where I shouldn't have, especially when I didn't have the ability to do so. At the same time I remember thinking that it was not wrong for me to use all I have to help a friend.

Something happened lately to remind me of this incident. I wonder what it was.

Mantou at 10:31 PM

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Friday, September 15, 2006

The Random Musing Entry

First, I'm happy with the new outlook on my desktop. ^_^ It looks very cool! All thanks to Windows Blinds! Haha.
Second, I'm am getting more and more domesticated day by day.. For two consecutive days I stayed home for the most part of the day to spring clean and cook?!?! It's ridiculously therapeutic but I'm not impressed. Oh well, anything can be an act of worship unto Daddy God I guess.
Third, I signed the contract today! *sweats* It's weird up until now I've felt the peace and assurance that I will be where God wants me to be with the decision I'm making, but at the eleventh hour my heart was full of apprehensions and doubts and accusations.. "I'm just being safe! I never really wrestled with God. How about the performing arts? How about early childhood?" (first person thots too, that old devil..) Thank God for His discernment and Sovereignty. His purpose will prevail. So yeah, I will be a mentor for at the very least one year which means till Sept 30th 2007. I thank God for having come into my life 2 years ago, because that forever changed my destiny. I'll no longer do what seems right (for everything seems right to Man) but allow God to use me in the way He had intended all this while. God had some talents, and He gave them to me. He puts His trust in me to multiply them. Of course, the choice is mine.
Fourth, it's grieving to have God reveal the sorrows of His Heart. It really is quite sad to know that God, even God has done all to make sure that the blessings would bear fruit. But the bad stewardship of Man has utterly ruined His plans.
But thank God for the mercies He has, that though the plan has to be scrapped, the people aren't. And they may be scattered to the farthest ends of the earth but You will bring them back. That's Your promise, and it shall come to pass. *shakes head in bewilderment* Your faithfulness and lovingkindness is beyond understanding.
Fifth, I say again, weaknesses are for boasting. Struggles are for confessing. Let's work towards being the same person behind closed doors and in public.

Mantou at 10:53 PM

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Thursday, September 14, 2006

An old unneeded Response.. I Think?

Why do I always feel like I'm about to be criticized for a decision I made, or scolded for a thing I've done? It's time to leave this feeling behind. Perhaps I'm afraid of being judged; seems to me I can't trust people enough. Or that my weaknesses are the worst things in the world and I just deserve every criticism and doubt on my character that comes my way. It seems even absurd when I pen it down but that's really how I feel most of the time. I can't stand revealing my weaknesses or rather when I realize my weaknesses have been revealed. They always trigger an adverse reaction in me. Either I feel a great sense of defeat or a great sense of shame and grief; as if I had committed the greatest crime in the world.

I've been set free from a stronghold recently. It's a victory I claim in the name of Christ. Acknowledging my weakness in that area has been the factor that helped set me free. Why? Cos the response to my acknowledgement was one of grace and acceptance. And it helped me realize that's the area most vulnerable to Mr. S.A.Tan's attacks cos it only makes sense for an enemy to attack the weakest points. I guess that's why God told Paul that His Grace was sufficient for Him; that His power is made perfect in his weakness. Paul's response to that was that he would boast then in his weaknesses.

So am I going to live life in fear of ostracision once my weaknesses are revealed or believe that God's gonna turn our weaknesses into His strengths? If I take the former choice I'd live in fear of being discovered some day. The latter will probably bring more peace. And what's more, I've lived in fear long enough. Time to take the road less travelled.

Mantou at 12:55 AM

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Saturday, September 09, 2006

A taste of true freedom

'Freedom is not found in the choices we make. It's found in the consequences of the choices'

Today's worship conference was truly surprising. I was reminded of the little incident that truly changed one man's life. It was in a humble setting: bitter winter cold, small cottage. A small group of people huddled around an oil barrel converted into a mini furnace. Praising God with just a tattered bible and the words along the lines of 'ye thou be saved'. Those words hit home on one person. His name is Charles Spurgeon.

It doesn't take a lot to worship God. Yet it takes a lot to tear our eyes away from the distractions that keep us from worshipping God. Thank God that His Sovereignty and purpose will reign.

So true freedom is found or rather tasted in the consequences of your choices. Often it's choices that coincides with God's will. I prayed for someone to put off the old self and embrace the new one in which we were given in Christ. It was liberating even for myself. Let's believe in the freedom Christ won for us and stay free!

Mantou at 12:19 AM

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Thursday, September 07, 2006

The Loser Entry

Yes after all, this really isn't the first time I've lost things. I just can't practise good stewardship!! Can't stand it.. Always losing things.. Here's a list of what I've lost in the recent months itself:


- Nokia 3210 (dropped in bus and alighted without realizing it)
- $200 (lent to someone stupidly trusting he would return when he's not able to)
- $70 odd (stolen in camp cos I left my wallet in the office)
- CD case full of my fave CDs including 3 which belong to my friend
- Bicycle

I'm a loser. Period.

Mantou at 1:02 AM

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Wednesday, September 06, 2006

The trouble about being a counselor by nature

I sometimes wonder what it means to be human. You know, emotions, tantrums, that side of it. Cos it seems almost alien to me. I realize somehow I have an innate mechanism that consoles me whenever something bad happens. Just like a defence mechanism. Here's an example: I lost my bicycle today. It happened in the stupidest way ever. Just proves that I can't multitask for nuts. My cellphone rang just as I was on my bike about to dismount at my destination. So I (thinking I must have looked real cool) took out my phone, answered it, and dismounted all at the same time. I subsequently parked my bike at the bike park (still on the phone) and went to the bus stop. It was only halfway through the worship conference set up that I realized I had forgotten to lock my bike. Bummer! Immediately I consoled myself saying that this is not the first time I had left it unlocked; it'll be fine. When I went to retrieve my bike, it was indeed missing. The thing that I'm most perturbed about is the fact that it took me no more than five minutes to get over it!! I told myself it was a cheap bike, it's fine, and that was it!
No distress no dismay no disappointment! What in the world is wrong with me??!! It takes me too quick to get over something. Can I not abandon rational for a while and just embrace the reality of that situation and its implications? DO I EVEN HAVE TO ANALYZE THAT?

Mantou at 11:42 PM

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Sunday, September 03, 2006

Death too close to home

"Life is like a box of chocs. You never know when it'll be eaten up"

Dear Daddy God,

Today You revealed to me how much you've blessed me since I pledged my allegiance. And what kind of a steward I've been of this choicest vineyard. You once told Isaiah this; that Your ways are higher than our ways and Your thots are not our thots. Indeed this is so. And once again I'm humbled at Your Greatness. I should have been judged. I should have been rebuked. But the strongest message was that You have a top notch game plan for me. That my unrepentance is stopping me from yielding as I should have. And then You speak to me even at a wake. If I were to die in the near future, would I be at peace with You?

Mantou at 1:11 AM

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Wednesday, August 30, 2006

L.I.F.E: Little Investments For Eternity

After the Fall, really you'll find that there's barely a clear distinction between right and wrong anymore. I guess it has all boiled down to the one thing that distinguishes us from all other creations. Choice. After salvation there is no more condemnation for those in Christ.
Romans 8:1-4 says: "1Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,[a] 2because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. 3For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature,[b] God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering.[c] And so he condemned sin in sinful man,[d] 4in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit."

The fact is, if we were to live so as to be judged as righteous, we'd have to be perfect. But we are not. The hammer would have fallen on us long ago if we were to be judged by God's perfect standard. We have ALL been saved from condemnation, because Jesus already paid for it and that can NEVER be undone. So what's life all about from this point on? As my heading suggests, I think it can be viewed as Little Investments For Eternity. There are good investments that will reap rewards in eternity, and there are bad investments that will incur wrath for eternity. Life is really about the choices we make; are they aligned to God's will, which is to ensure we have an everlasting relationship with Him? To make independent choices is to make the choice to be outside of God's protection. So it's time to ask, 'is it wise to do this?' and not 'is it right to do this'? God allows us to make stupid choices. There are lessons to learn from them; he has designed Pain to make sure that happens.

Mantou at 2:35 PM

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Monday, August 28, 2006

Eureka: The Threshold of Truth

We are all familiar with the analogy of the lightbulb phenomenon, known as the Eureka Moment. Truth be told, we encounter such moments many times on Life's Road. *keke* At least for me, I know that's the moment when I cross the threshold of an egocentric perspective and embrace the truth. Christians call it revelation; whatever it's name, there are many kinds of truths out there waiting to be discovered. Ever wondered why you can feel this way one moment and another the next? The Eureka experience teaches us one thing; our thoughts determine our feelings. It also brings into play one powerful factor: THE TRUTH. People who exclaim Eureka! are overwhelmed with joy over the discovery of some truth. Doubts often come in and cloud our minds and discourage us. Recognize that all it takes is the discovery of a truth to set things right again. And it can never be taken away because the kind of truth that causes one to exclaim Eureka! would probably be one that has yielded results. "And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free." John 8: 32. It didn't say the truth might / probably is gonna set you free. Free from what? Nagging doubts, paralyzing fears, deceiving and enticing lies, selfish pride, anything that is not of truth! What's the one Eureka moment I've encountered that has forever changed me? The truth that God is our all-sufficiency; I firmly and resolutely believe that God is the only that can provide us with what we need. This has caused me to seek Him more, even in times when I'm feeling unworthy; I discovered even though I was unworthy there's nothing that can make me worthy except in asking for Him to restore me! That's a Eureka for you!

Mantou at 9:54 PM

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Monday, August 21, 2006

The Letter

Dear Daddy God,

I'm blessed to see Your faithfulness in such a real way in my life. Today You gave me a revelation that You take care of the mountains and valleys and every nook and cranny on this earth even though no Man has or will ever live to see its splendor. This earth and all that's in it was created by You, for You. And You will remain faithful to Your Word. 'Let there be light' and there was light. Nothing is impossible for you, as long as You speak forth Your will. Dare we defy Your Will? 'Even oceans and their waves bow to you.' Why don't You pursue and reward these that humbly do Your Perfect will? Why do You choose to let your Heart be grieved and hurt by the ones you created? Who are we, that we should have the choice to disobey You time and again? We seem to be the only creature capable of defying Your Commandments. From even the depths of Your grief You used the opportunity in our defiance to show Your goodness, Your kindness, patience, faithfulness and sovereignty. It makes me wonder; if we were in a world where there was complete obedience, would there be a chance to see Your wonderful Nature? Yet it seems that Man is the only creature struggling to understand You. This seed of choice planted in us is the source of Your Delight as well as Despair. After Your Death and Resurrection You began to draw a line in the sand and started to separate the living and the dead. Will I be on Your side?
These 2 years You have been showing me how detrimental it is to live without You. You have transformed my life and my heart slowly but surely to let You be the Lord in my life. My tomorrows are in Your Hands, Daddy God. Let me live to discover who You are and what I'm made to be. Remember the priorities You have re-adjusted in my life? Remember the wrong notions You have corrected in my life? My family, finances, friends, relationships, personal life are under Your influence now. It doesn't feel so right to be making selfish, impulsive decisions any more. Still feelings and emotions are but flags of warnings. I don't wanna take the wheel any more. I am nothing more than a servant to my Master, a soldier to my Commanding Officer, a child to my Father, a sheep to my Shepherd. How much of my life is still deceived by the god of this earth? In my family I have seen that where I have been faithful to minister to my Mom You are faithful to work in her heart to soften it enough to allow her to know you. She will be coming to COR for the evangelistic adult service this Sun. I pray Daddy God that she will know of the freedom in Christ and Christ alone. I remember the time when I obeyed Your prompting to minister to my dad, and he also received your promise of salvation. Has it been snatched away, snuffed out? What can we do about it now? I pray God that Your Will be done, and Light will shine in his life to force out the bondage of darkness and denial. My finances are still poorly managed, even though You have put in me the faith to tithe every month without fail. I know it's only in my possession to manage, and I'm sorry I'm doing such a bad job. Teach me your way.
Daddy God I know You make all things beautiful in Your time. I just wanna keep Your lovely face ever before my eyes. To discover Your wonderful love and how I can love you back with my being. Make me ready. Amen.

Love,
Vince

Mantou at 10:23 PM

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The Countdown Entry

Countdown One: 16 working days till I ORD.

Countdown Two: 4 days to the arrival of new computer.

Countdown Three: 9 days to the connection of my broadband.

It's time to say adios, sayonara, 再见, au revoir, so long (and farewell in wateva language you can think of) to some things in my life, and hola, konnichiwa, 你好， enchante, hello (and any other greetings you can think of） to a new phase in my life. First of all, so long to the SAF (for a while) and the unit in which I've come to realise is quite screwed up in terms of their management. There have been many a times when I've wondered where to start cleaning up the mess. With 16 more days, it's disturbing there are still some issues that prompt me with the same question. I wish the regulars and DXOs all the best. I thank God for His providence and blessings and affirmation, not to mention friends He has added on throughout the 2 years. I feel especially blessed cos it's something special to grow closer to the Lord while I'm in the army as I've seen many others struggle through this time. Not that I haven't been struggling, but each struggle makes me realize the importance of having God in my life. I'm blessed with a new computer! I feel more equipped and accessible with such a blessing, yet burdened to have to handle another worldly possession that just might become another idol. Those who know me know that I don't really have much gadgets. Zen's my middle name. Only time will tell I guess. I'm excited about a few things: being able to blog more :p, msn more, compile and organize my music finally, and edit photos and vidz. Fortunately I've been blessed with the availibility of computers everywhere so I'm not some caveman completely unfamiliar with using a computer.

Mantou at 9:27 PM

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Monday, August 07, 2006

Liberation

"Today I am going to begin" - Jean Pierre de Caussard

There is a certain liberation in opening cans of worms. *smiles*

Today I am going to begin:

'What I want to do doesn't matter, others can do what they wanna do first' - Resignation that stems from multiple disappointments. In retrospect it can also be termed as Selflessness. God sees the heart.

'I love being in worship and fellowship with God' - Escapism that stems from having faced rejection and criticism from people close to you, to the point you find no stability in human relationships. In retrospect it can also be termed as having tasted Grace. God sees the heart.

'So-and-so has got issues and struggles he/she's facing' -Sensitivity that stems from having countless internal battles trying to understand what you're going through. In retrospect it can also be termed as Empathy. God sees the heart.

'Remember you told me that there's something in my life that I'm missing? I think I know what it is. But I'm not exactly sure what it is yet. Still working it out.' - Scene from Ruri No Shima

All I want to do is to not be afraid of being myself, flaws and all. Mistakes cannot be avoided. Emotions should not be suppressed to often. Disillusionment will take its place. Scared to fall? Do I not realise there is someone waiting to catch me if I should fall? Pressured to perform? It takes away much joy and comfort in my relationships. Don't I realise that I am accepted as I am already?

The Way I was Made - Chris Tomlin

Caught in the half-life, I’m caught alone
Waking up to the sunrise and the radio
Feels like I’m tied-up of what’s holding me
Just praying today will be the day I go free

I want to live like there’s no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one’s around
I want to sing like nobody’s listening
Before I lay my body down
I want to give like I have plenty
I want to love like I’m not afraid
I want to be the man I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made

Made in Your likeness, made with Your hands
Made to discover who You are and who I am
And All I’ve forgotten help me to find
All that You’ve promised let it be in my life

Mantou at 2:45 AM

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Monday, July 31, 2006

The Invisible World

14 Salvations.

22 Re-dedications.

37 Interested to know more.

Should God's work be defined and measured by sheer numbers alone? I believe it is simply an encouragement to continue to walk with Him and be in partnership with Him. We have all done our part already.. Like Paul and Apollos, we 'planted the seeds', but it is God who causes the growth. Some have said they did not understand the plays. Some have said they felt the pastor was too forceful. Others have shifted their focus to commenting on the performers and the performances. Still others were touched. Not very many people saw the heart of God in this event. Thankfully God does not depend on our responses to be faithful and patient...

The Journey

Stage Lights. Red, Yellow, Green, Blue. The music is pumping and there are people on stage dancing their hearts away. I look up at the flickering stage lights and my thoughts wander off to the time when we first started off at the camp. The apprehension that I felt back then is still in me moments before I step onto the stage. The desire to see my mom at the event still beats strongly with each accelerated heartbeat. Much had happened since the start of the preparations, I mused even as I waited for my turn to appear on stage. At the very last minute a riff happened between us that nearly jeopardized her chances of coming to the event. Yet God was faithful and supernatural blessings came in a form of free NDP preview tickets that my good buddy decided to bless me and my mom with. It is all in God's plan! She goes for the parade and is the happiest mom in the world. I like it when she's happy cos she's agreeable to anything. In fact she takes the initiative to ask what time and where the performance is.. God is faithful.
The first performance has ended with the crowd wild with applause and wolf whistles. My thoughts drift to the times in camp and the kind of people God has sent to be under my charge. I had extended the invitation to seven of them. Three made it today. Praise God. There is one of them I especially feel for. I sense he has a heart for God. He has the same name as me. His response was positive. He has his heart in the right place, bless him. Looking forward to invite him for more events. The other one has a case of depression. The performance has spoken to him more than he will admit. It has become a conversation topic among us. Sometime's it's shallow, other times it's thought provoking. To me it's evidence of the invisible work God is doing when we have reached the end of ourselves.
It's time for me to take the stage. I walk out in darkness, taking a deep breath at the same time I take the microphone. We get into positions and everything else is a daze. I vaguely remember times I feel a surge of desire to worship God. All throughout the presence of God was assuring and strong.
It is time for Pastor to give the message. Most of the cast are praying profusely. I walk around and get myself settled down. Then I too begin to pray. Pastor gives the call to raise hand. Something like a wave of murmur pulsates backstage and a multitude of tongues are heard. It is overwhelming. It is warfare. Pastor calls for the people who have responded to come forward. More profuse prayer. This is the first time I have experienced such unity in the Body of Christ. I am honored to be part of it. This I will remember for a long time to come. Not the performances. The audience never heard the fervent prayers and cries for their souls to be saved. It matters not. God heard it. He will answer.

Mantou at 7:34 PM

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Monday, July 24, 2006

Down Memory Lane

It was like any other mornin,
any other day.
Till I felt Jesus calling me (he called me by name),

'My friend', he said, 'let's take a walk down memory lane'.

He took my hand and led me down the places I had been before,
And as we walked he pointed out to me,
The hurts I had and caused,
The pains I had and caused,
The sins I thought no one knew about,
The sins I thought no one cared about.

I was burning with shame by the time we were done,
yet He told me there was one last place to go.

'My friend', he said, 'let's take a walk down memory lane'.

He took my hand and led me down the places He had been before,
And as we walked He pointed out to me,
The hurts He healed and forgave,
The pains He healed and forgave,
The sins were brought to light,
The sins He washed till it was white.

And He brought me to the place,
the old familiar ground; Calvary.
And He reminded me all He bore on the Cross for me,
all He did to set me free..

It was like any other mornin,
any other day,
Till I heard Jesus calling me (He called me by name).

- Vincent Wang

Mantou at 9:08 PM

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OMG! A blog update!

Haha.. Discovered I have some readers to my blog! *shrugs* So I shall be a leetil more responsible and update it as and when I can, which is rare. :p Disclaimer: Readers are advised to read at their own discretion as contents were never meant for public viewing in the first place. *cracks knuckles* Ok, here we go...

Some Random Thoughts..

I must be getting sappy.. Should I even use such a word? Well, it's weird but things that didn't matter to me as much are slowly but surely becoming higher on my priority list. Over the years what seemed like an ideal to pursue became a value to uphold. What seemed to be unbelievable to me is slowly becoming something I can relate to.. Guess that's what becoming a Christian can do for you? Cynicism has no place in the kingdom of our Heavenly Father. Realized I judge people quite a fair bit after a while. Like in a passive way. Because of my inability to express myself on my opinion about people's behavior, the negative aspects stay in my heart and develops into a subtle grudge called judgment. That leads to me raising a barrier so friends can rarely gain access into me. Those who try definitely need to pry it out of me. Why? Because even though I judge ppl, guess I'm blessed with a heart for the 'underdogs'. *Sigh* What a complicated life. Then even though I have a heart for the 'underdogs' (i use quotation marks cos really, I'm the underdog that misses out the most in life), I never believe they will be able to understand me or be interested to know who I really am. And that's the deepest issue in me. One of the universal problems of men and I'm the epitome of it. CLAM.

Today I invited Jesus to come and fill my dark places with his marvellous Light. Wonder what took me so long. But this is one of best promises of Jesus. Acknowledge him as an aspect you discovered him to be and it unlocks that power to transform your life.

Discovered a few more things about my dear bro today. It's just nice to noe that you will always discover more and more about a person as you interact with that person. There never seems to be a time things get stagnant if it's a mutual friendship/relationship.

Had a really meaningful time at the full dress rehearsal today. It was truly a challenge to have to focus on each role and get immersed in each role so quickly, not to mention change costumes! *wipes sweat* Thank God for his guidance and opportunity to learn the dynamics in this ministry. Wonder if this leads to an open door in drama ministry?

Mom's closed the door on me. It's sad that things suddenly took a turn just like that, out of the blue. I guess I'll never know why, or maybe I did, like it was just a time bomb waiting to explode. Well I was reminded about what Jesus said about Him coming that parents will turn against their children, etc. I'm prepared for that outcome if it ever boils down to it. It's also said that a prophet is not without honor except in his own hometown. I think I understand how that feels. Not that I'm a prophet, but I guess I'm really serious about my faith but it doesn't impress my mom, nor does it impact my mom. Ha, she even called it evil. Sheesh, so much for being a good testimony. She attributes it to her credit, saying that she gave birth to me with such a character in built already. Whatever.

Some random thoughts huh. Ciao

Mantou at 2:58 AM

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Friday, May 19, 2006

Verbal Diarrhoea

Did I spell it correctly? What the heck.

20.14 pm. I sit in front of the computer. Wavering in resolve.

Just finish typing an anguished entry about my dad. How do I feel?

Ok, I guess. I wanna work through these feelings, because this is what causes me to falter everytime I see him, or am reminded to pray for him.

20.18 pm. Time flies. Wavering once more in resolve.

I've come to realize how hard it is to bring to God issues really close to my heart. And to really pray about it. I find myself speechless about such issues before a Maker who knew me before I was formed in my mother's womb. But I realize that doesn't stop me from discovering the wonderful nature of God. Wait - I take that back; it does. It puts a limit on what can be transformed by Him about me. Whatever is not transform to reveal His glory stays unglorified, so it does stop me from discovering His wonderful nature. But His Words are priceless treasures and it makes me 'wise for salvation' provided I have faith and love in Jesus Christ.

20.24 pm. It's getting interesting. Wavering in resolve.

Do you conclude your case is singular, and therefore fear? It
shall be well, for no temptation hath taken you, but such as is
common to man; and God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be
tempted above that ye are able; but will also with the temptation
make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. It shall be well.

Psalm 32

Of David. A maskil. [a]
1 Blessed is he
whose transgressions are forgiven,
whose sins are covered.

2 Blessed is the man
whose sin the LORD does not count against him
and in whose spirit is no deceit.

3 When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.

4 For day and night
your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was sapped
as in the heat of summer.
Selah

5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, "I will confess
my transgressions to the LORD "—
and you forgave
the guilt of my sin.
Selah

6 Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you
while you may be found;
surely when the mighty waters rise,
they will not reach him.

7 You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
Selah

8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you and watch over you.

9 Do not be like the horse or the mule,
which have no understanding
but must be controlled by bit and bridle
or they will not come to you.

10 Many are the woes of the wicked,
but the LORD's unfailing love
surrounds the man who trusts in him.

11 Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous;
sing, all you who are upright in heart!

Mantou at 8:09 PM

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Old Celebration, New Meaning Part 2

Happy Father's Day?
How ironic; role reversal. Used to be joyous Father's Days in our family. My dad was the hero and the role model. The one who'd 'secretly' allow us playtime at the amusement center as a reward for a hard day's work. The one who'd entertain my mother's babyish behavior as well as temper tantrums. The one who'd be the most charismatic person on the block as he demonstrates the wonders of the marvellous contraption called multi-purpose food processor. 'Shimono', 'Kitchen Mate', you name it, he's done it. A veteran. *feeble laughter* Life's a stage huh. Sorry Dad, curtain's drawn. Act's over. What you hid as a hideous past has finally caught up with you. Whatever you refused to conquer has finally conquered you. When will you come to your senses?!

"I don't wanna play anymore,
Not when the stakes are so high.
So before we circle round once more,
Gonna lay down,
Just lay down this PRIDE." -Corinne May

Let it go, Dad.

Mantou at 7:57 PM

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Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Old Celebration, New Meaning

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.
This'd be the first time I'd be meaning what I say. I know she's a happy mother. Broken, but happy, cos she's got genuine love and concern showered upon her for the first time in her life. And I thank God for bringing me down this road, where the woman I once feared more than anything else in the world would come to be my friend. What a tumultuous journey we've been through! But I'd say at the end of it all I'm really proud of my mom and glad to have this relationship with her after so long. It was the weirdest feeling I got as Mother's Day drew near; I began to remember the times that we've been through and joyous occasions she's recently been so much a part of. OCS graduation day, Roses&Hello musical, and I'm amazed at how we've grown to respect each other mutually and trust and understand each other over the year or so after we've reconciled. So there we have it. One grateful son blogging about one really touched mother who woke up to a candlelit table with a bouquet of daisies and a heartfelt card.

Mantou at 6:24 PM

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Friday, April 21, 2006

The Camera Entry

 
Yep, to make a better decision one must not neglect research. *Grinz* So far, these are the cameras that have caught my eye and I wonder if they are within my budget. Seems funny that while you're contemplating on whether to get a phone with a camera function or a camera itself, things happen to help convince you to make the latter decision. Had to handle a theft case today. The theft item? A Sony Ericsson W810i! The mobile phone today has just become so convenient it has lent itself to abuse huh. People leave it in all sorts of funny places when not in use. I had a feeling that might happen to me, so i decided to stay with a simple phone. Haha.

So here are the cameras that caught my eye! Canon Powershot S1 IS (Image Stabilizer), Canon's PowerShot A700, Canon PowerShot A620. All of them have adjustable aperture and shutter speed priorities, so they allow for more experimental photography. Guess what? They boast great auto functions too, so it's great for a beginner like me! The build is just right for people with pneumatic fingers like me (can never handle those ultra compact ones), and what do they have in common? Higher end zoom functions! Haha. I'm basically looking for a camera with great potential so it can last me a pretty long while I guess. Megapixels are within a healthy range of 3.2 to 7.1 (what in the world was I thinking with Sony Ericsson's 2.0 megapixels?!).

Ah.. Photography holds such meaning to me. The moments you treasure and appreciate, captured in your perception; there's so much to explore! I can't wait for May! 

Mantou at 8:11 PM

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Wednesday, April 19, 2006

The Phone Entry

 
Looks like I'm entering the world of techy gadgets. 1st investment, the widely trusted K750i presented by Sony Ericsson. In all my 23 years of existence, these gadgets never fascinated me. When kids around me would be gushing about cool functions of the latest toy at Toys 'R' Us, I'd politely nod and tell them 'my pet toad can do that too'. I'm a jungle boy alrite.. A spartan lifestyle's what I lead. Zen. Minimalism. I don't have a computer (but i can blog and design pics), I don't have a hi-fi mini compo, I don't have an mp3 player, Ipod or Creative Muvo, no digital camera (but i can take decent photos), no air-con just a whirring fan, no bed just a mattress, no blanket. Zen enough?

So what makes me want to buy this phone? Well.. Here's how I convinced myself:
- I just lost my phone.
- I'm now using a Nokia 8250 and it can only msg 160 characters!
- I love taking pictures. It has auto focus and three scene modes! 2.0 megapixels!
- I need an mp3 player of sorts so I don't have to lug my Discman around.
- It's May and my contract allows me to upgrade my phone so I might as well..
- Royston's K750i really impressed me.

But then again, I have thot about just getting a normal phone and get a camera instead. That idea is beginning to seem more logical and practical than this little 3-in-1 eye candy.. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.. 

Mantou at 8:14 PM

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Thursday, April 06, 2006

My First Theatrical Experience!

 

'Praise You God of earth and sky,
How Beautiful is Your Unfailing Love!'

Indeed, this experience just shows me God's profession of love for us didn't stop at the cross; He goes on to counsel His will according to His Loving nature and shower us with blessings every step of the way, be it obvious or in disguise. Thank God for friends who really showed a lot of support during this experience. This experience was where a lot of first times happened.. Here's the list:

- 1st time talking to a recording engineer (that's how i got the Lobang!)
- 1st time calling a stranger to sign up for audition
- 1st time singing to Amber on a ledge of a building
- 1st time getting constructive feedback about singing for a musical
- 1st time singing at Boat Quay to passing river taxis and 2 makciks
- 1st time breaking out in cold sweat before going for audition
- 1st time seeking God for comfort before a major event
- 1st time rehearsing for a public performance
- 1st time buying tickets at Arts House
- 1st time leading Catholics in prayer (twice!)
- 1st time having group hugs
- 1st time singing with Rosalind Pho craning her neck up at me haha
- 1st time performing in a musical!

Thank You Father for Your wonderful blessing! 

Mantou at 8:04 PM

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Thursday, March 30, 2006

A Lost Battle

Standing here, in the cold
In the rain, what I'd give
To feel warm again..

The battle for our souls have already been won. In A.D. 33 one man came to fight the one battle that would determine the fate of our lives. It was a tough battle and at the most crucial point the source of His strength would forsake Him. Yet Love for us wretched beings and Obedience to the One Creator was what kept Him going. How many times have I heard this story? Easter's just around the corner. It will be re-enacted again. What will my response be? A gush of gratitude and awesomeness? Or a sense of guilt and remorse? Or both? "Where your heart is, there your treasure will be also". Day in day out where do my thots dwell in? What are my eyes fixed on? What is it my heart yearns for? Does tt even matter? It should not, for I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. And my heart is 'desperately wicked and deceitful'. Speak to me, Wonderful Counselor. Apart from you I am nothing and can do nothing. Help me to choose the right path to walk, and renew my heart to be more and more like You. That wherever I go and whatever I do I may shine for you.

I've been called up to do another two more musicals. It's a quirky thing that I've been called up. Honestly I don't have a very good impression of the director/scriptwriter. Haha. Getting picky are we? After the previous one I did I look back in disbelief. Things fell into place really miraculously and it's really a clear indication I had God's blessing. This time I'm more afraid it'd become a little god of its own. God showed me what gifts He's bestowed on me through this experience but I'd really like to know how then I can use it to bless His name. Guess it's not wrong to take up the offer but i'd like to know if it's God's will.. Search me O God, my secret heart lies plain before you.

Mantou at 5:13 PM

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Reality vs. Truth

Does reality necessarily equate the truth? I think not. Beliefs form your perspective of the situation. You believe God isn't there. Is that the truth? But it becomes the reality as you would perceive. Until you shift your perspective the reality of a situation would never change. That's why reality can be warped. Truth can't. What is the truth will always remain the truth, and it's only a matter of discovery. Truth, when discovered, harmonizes itself with your reality and there is order in that part of your world. For the 'truth will set you free'. Truth really means understanding God's plan, motives, intentions for the world. God's Order.

Mantou at 7:34 PM

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Saturday, March 18, 2006

Regret

There are some things,
I'd like to forget,
Like death and disappointments,
Like hurt and regrets.
When all's been said and done,
I wish I could love you.

Some things will just remain etched in your memory for a long time. It lingers on, hammering your heart with a dull pain every time you're reminded of it. You just wish you never took the road you took. But now that you have, you just wish you could look at it with fondness. Not regret. Did I mean to intentionally deal with matters of the heart so carelessly, or was it just too fragile? Can I question why someone would be so silly to cling on to something so uncertain or do I slap myself for being so heartless and such a jerk? Talk about having two sides to a coin.

You believed, that I've changed your life forever.
And you're never gonna find another somebody like me.
And you wished you had more than just a lifetime,
To give back all I've given you, and that's what you believed.

But I owe you, the sunlight in the morning,
And the nights of honest lovin',
That time can't take away.
And I owe you, more than life now, more than ever.
I know it could've been the sweetest debt,
I'll ever have to pay. - Lee Greenwood.
Disclaimer: I don't think everything in the song applies to my situation, but the general feeling is like I've been on top of a pedestal but really I don't deserve what I was given. Maybe that's why it's gone.

Mantou at 8:13 AM

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Tuesday, March 14, 2006

The Journey to the Heart of Worship

I'm leading worship again this Sat. This time to a much smaller group of Mkkies, cos the leaders are away on retreat. Honestly, after the emptiness I felt after being the guitarist the previous time, I have mixed feelings being the worship leader this time around. So many things I have yet to learn, so many things I have yet to discover about the heart of worship. Why did I consent to Suz's request to take up the role then? Guess a part of me really wished for this second chance to set things right with God. A part of me, perhaps a part even I am not aware about, is praying to walk on this journey to the heart of worship. Even as I began to seek God for the answer a verse came to mind..

"Therefore I remind you to stir up the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands." 2 Tim 1:6

God gave me the gift of worship and singing and I really wanna know how to use it to glorify Him. At present I'm torn between worrying about the technical aspects of worship like transition and timing and key compatibility, and thinking about what it takes to bring out the spirit of worship in Mkkies. I'm wondering what the role of a worship leader is. Even as I began preparing for it this morn, the answer unveiled itself this way. A worship leader leads a community of believers to worship God in Spirit and Truth; being led by the Spirit and God's wisdom, he strives to remove any hindrances that would obstruct himself or fellow worshippers from drawing near to God, through prayer, sharing of the word and perhaps singing a song with such a plea. Somehow I had the notion that the purpose of worship is to give to God the praises that is due to His name, so worship should be a time solely dedicated to Him, casting our burdens aside and rejoicing in the truth that we have a Savior. So it is my guess that the worship leader needs to see the heart of worship, needs to sing of the heart of God and express the gratitude to His faithfulness. Sounds like a really tall order. Really wonder whether I'm up to it. At the end of the day either I end up glorifying God or dishonoring Him. I'm praying for a theme, a message that God wants to spread this season in Mkkaddesh. The conviction that we need in this season. God, you see within us and know the heart of hearts. I pray that you'll reveal in Your time the conviction that we need to have in our hearts, so as to turn from our stubborn ways and seek You. All this in Jesus's name, amen.

Mantou at 7:06 PM

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Sunday, March 12, 2006

Rekindling an Old Passion

Mantou at 12:45 AM

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