Sunday, June 10, 2007
The Search
"I was living for a dream,
loving for a moment
Taking on the world,
that was just my style
Now You hold me in Your arms,
I can see forever
The search is over,
You were with me all the while" - Survivor, The Search is Over (some lyrics changed to suit setting)
Yep, I'm a fan of the oldies and this song stuck on like a barnacle because it's got nice lyrics and an unusual melody. You got to listen to it to know what I'm saying. =)
Something amazing happened today. Something almost indescribable. But I shall attempt to blog it anyway.
You see, recently I've been made to think about the vicious cycle of worldly choices and consequences that I suffer because of some lies I have believed in. Yes, I realise that this is stuff I've been talking about since I was a new Christian, but I guess we all know the difference between understanding, believing and acting upon the truth. So to counter the vicious cycle I got myself and accountability partner to pray with me and support me as I endeavor to expose and disable the effects of those lies in my life. That made quite an impact on my spiritual life and there was a ripple effect that showed in many areas of my life. However, it was not all smooth sailing and I found that the lies I had believed in for so long had formed ruts in my mind and the moment I got close to the ruts I'd slipped back into believing those lies again. So that journey has had many ups and downs. And everytime I slip back in I grow more and more disillusioned about this step of faith I had taken, and was plagued with many doubts. I have to say it's not easy to try to honor God who's invisible when all the circumstances around you are so real and tangible. If one is not convicted by the Spirit one should not even try it or their very faith might be shaken.
Despite all the downs getting me discouraged, one thing stood out and showed my the meaning of grace from a holy God. The unconditional acceptance of a fellow brother in Christ and constant exhortations and encouragement showed me that the grace of God means believing that I can be the way God made me in Christ Jesus. I believe that glimpse of grace gave me a semblance of God's love and helped me to respond to Him.
Today was such a day. Chris Chan was just sharing and ministering to the congregation today using Psalms 32, which talks about the joy of forgiveness. He said some stuff but the main point that struck me was that some of us were really trying to be righteous in our own strength and allowed pride to subtly creep in so that we blame ourselves heavily for making mistakes but carry on serving God while feeling the heaviness of the struggles, not realizing we can be restored when we confess to God of our wrongdoings. So the time came for us to respond to the Word, and Chris gave the option of either meditating on the passage or praying. I did both. And I acknowledged to God that I had been holding on to all these burdens of guilt and shame, and even acknowledged to Him the hurts and anxieties I had. And then it happened. All of a sudden I was very aware of the nearness of God. And His gentle countenance was just beckoning to me. My heart quickens even as I recount the experience again. He felt really real and right there, just gently... there..
And while the song 'When I survey the Wondrous Cross' was sung in the background I could sense myself reaching out, throwing my arms out to hug Him! I hugged my Savior in spirit! I burst into tears then, and the weird thing was that I could picture that He was crying too, with tears of joy and longing, the kind that one would shed after someone lost was found. It was such a sweet, unspeakable moment. I felt all my sorrows melt away and gratitude come flooding in as I just lingered in the moment in amazement and wonder. This was truly my first time responding to Him in such a manner, and I wondered why it took me so long. It's been three years since I became a Christian, and there's been many times I've responded to the altar call. Today there was no altar call, but He met me right where I was seated. Then, in that intimate moment I continued to respond by singing along. It gave me such a different perspective to worship because this time that God was so near I could really feel that I was singing to Him and expressing my worship while He looked on. And as I sang, I saw with my mind's eye that He held my hand and walked along with me. So real was it that I marveled and tears just kept streaming down my eyes. I even asked Him; would I leave Him to chase after the world again? The sad reply was 'Yes'. It really pained my heart this time to hear that I would turn away. But somehow the assurance came that He lived in me, not at some hard to reach place. I have yet to make sense of that but I believe that means I will be changed to let Him live in me, and not my old man.
That experience left me dazed for a while and that was pretty embarassing cos I brought my student down to service with me today. I wonder what he would think of my behaviour today. *scratch chin* Oh well, it's not every day that you meet your Creator in such a way so I guess it was worth it. It really speaks volumes to me about the nature of God. The song I mentioned earlier had a bridge that went,
"it finally struck like lightning from the blue. Every highway leading me back to You"
God is so sovereign and faithful He's just gonna try to lead us home, us who realize we need to rely on Him and love Him.
Mantou at 9:07 PM