Monday, October 29, 2007
Hey Mr DJ, Do the emo thing.. ( a psalm of sorts)
I am so frustrated tonight.A talk with my cell members uncovered a can of worms.
My relationship with my dad.
I gotta admit I am so disappointed in him and am feeling so helpless about his situation that I know I can never be the one to get him out of it cos he got himself into it, and I can never change him to do what he should do as a father. I am wondering why I can't ever say thanks to him for being a good father n being supportive and doing all the things he did and that I really appreciate him.
Why do I have to say things like I forgive him for hurting me and neglecting me and making use of me and never seeing me as a son but as a tool to churn out the money that he needs to get through his debt situation and disappointing me all the time cause he could never see what I do as out of love?!
This is outrageous! I can't believe I held back so much emotions about this issue! If I hadn't taken time to ponder these things on my own (thanks be to God for providing the opportunity to blade at east coast through the night breeze.. It does something to you), I wouldn't have discovered I have a whole case against him! I wish I could tell him all of this but what's the use? He'd never understand and he'd never think he has neglected his responsibility. I mean I could say these things to him if I were the one to create him and give him life but as it is, I'm only another created being who is made by the same Creator who made my dad. And as far as I am concerned, the very notion of justice was created by Him too so who am I to question? I rest my case.
If the Creator chooses to judge with tender mercies I can only marvel at how much it takes to reach my dad. His mercies are inexhaustive and outlasts even a person's lifespan. The God of love would rather cost Himself than to infringe on a person's free will to choose to respond to His mercies. That, my friends, is why we worship Him.
Quote of the day: "When man's depravity meets God's divinity, it's a beautiful collision." -David Crowder
Mantou at 12:13 AM
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Friday, October 26, 2007
Of Mice and Men
As a young boy I once read a story of a man with normal IQ but the heart of a villian making use of a dim-witted mentally impaired man with the heart of an angel to commit a crime. The conclusion was that the guy with the normal IQ became changed while having to look after his accomplice because he couldn't fend for himself. It's a nice story. Kids nowadays don't have much nice stories to read.I keep bumping into this old man on my way to school in the mornings. My heart stirs every time I see him. He has sun-beaten, weathered complexion and half his scalp is shiny, and the other half is crowned with fine whitish hair. From one side it looks like a Mohawk. His face sinks in where it shouldn't in certain places and protrudes where it shouldn't in others. I always see him at work with his bicycle. Wraps cardboard strips around the wheel rim of the back tyre. It always draws my curiosity because I wonder why his front tyre looks perfectly fine but the back would have to be so heavily modified. I didn't manage to catch a good picture of him cos I kinda took it in secret. In that same area where he sits, the stray cats have called it their home. He shares that home with them.
I can't help but wonder what could have led to the circumstances he is in today. He could have been anything from a high flyer to a coolie; I'd never know. He is now stuck in a world of unwrapping and wrapping the back tyre of his bicycle. Where is his family? I once caught him biting at the cardboard he uses. Does he eat them too? This old man is really a mystery and might remain so for me.
In any case he has no idea how just by meeting him and watching him live his life made me rethink my life principles. Like the guy in the story book my heart is slowly being changed just by these strange encounters. I don't think that once I get 'there', means I get 'there' and that's it. No more tears. Not so. Life isn't over until God says it's over.
Mantou at 11:32 PM
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Saturday, October 20, 2007
Tis' also the season to be questioning..
Can I be cliche and ask that cliche question? 'What is Life?'I ask that, knowing that there are really questions that don't come with answers.
Sometimes I have to admit. I don't have it all made out. I don't have my life in perfect order. I have, in fact, a lot of loose ends. Things I can't make sense of. And from time to time that bugs me.
Not So Nice to meet you, Doubt. I can't handle conversations with you. I can't handle your 'if-then why' questions. But I'll ask God about it. He's got His two cents' worth for you. Just read the last few chapters of Job.
Neh.
Mantou at 10:54 PM
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Thursday, October 18, 2007
Hmm...
I'm sitting in front of my com with the intention to blog.. But nothing substantial is churned out!!They said writing is generative.. I'm being obedient here.. Jus typing to see if something starts flowing.. Because I feel the need to log in some of my developments and insights but I don't know where to begin..
Ok. I know. I am quite surprised at my sense of humor, or candidness (if there ever is such a word). It's like I feel like I look at life with a rainbow tinted lens and it's not that hard to see the humor in it anymore. I hope I'm not causing envy here cos it's not that life is particularly good nowadays. Well I got a lot to give thanks for but I sure have my fair share of trials and tribulations.
でも心にへ安があります。But I have peace in my heart.
My worldview has changed too. When you realize there's a Sovereign God in control of it somehow things don't hit you so hard. You no longer feel like the world is crumbling down on you. You may be surprised but I once behaved like the world would be crumbling down tomorrow.. Everything must be done today. Any idea that I think about and sounds good must be implemented today. The only problem with that thinking is you have too many unfinished projects under your belt. Imagine if you were an architect builder you'd have many plots of half-built buildings. They are totally useless and they take up space too. Now I find out what God has made me to do in this season and just do them faithfully. There's still room to explore ideas, but all are to be submitted to the Master Builder for approval. =) Of course, you take it to trusted friends who are able to give you wise counsel too. Or just objective, unadulterated feedback.
The other thing about thinking the world is crumbling down around you is this; you react to every single situation. And trust me, the reactions get more and more negative. In the end, a self-fulfilling prophecy emerges. The world really crumbles down on you. We're never called to live by sight, or react to circumstances. We are called to respond to truth. Now this one takes many instances to learn. I can understand it in one arena but I may not in another. But God is faithful and always ready to teach a lesson or two.
Whoa! Will you look at the time! 12.14 am already. See, writing is generative. Oh well, hope you've all learned something from my post. =) Glory to God for being my patient teacher.
Ciao.
Mantou at 10:54 PM
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Thursday, October 11, 2007
Tis the season to be moving..
This really seems to be the season where God seems to be moving us into new grounds. =) On many fronts I can see that happening. Here's the updates.In my studies, I'm going on to study at ECU to get a Diploma in Counseling, which is equivalent to Year One Studies in Bachelor of Social Science. This move is important even though I'm still in Mentoring and will move on to Missions from there. I might not have the time and energy to pursue the basics in the future as commitments will start to increase. I have no intention to become a counselor just as yet because it will hinder my ability to evangelise ('por' fessional ethics). But with counseling skills I can be more sensitive in my missions work.
In my personal outreach, I am studying Japanese and understanding more about the Japanese culture (in case you are wondering about the stuccuto english I'm using, this will probably give you more insight. Just imagine a Japanese accent while reading). It is really enjoyable and I'm really beginning to get excited about reaching out to Japanese in Singapore. I will be involved in a Christmas Choir Outreach program this Dec. This is also a fresh move since I met a Japanese believer a few months back. It looks like I will be headed to Japan for missions, if this move keeps up.
In Mentoring, we are considering the starting of a blog to interact with the students and hosting of photos/videos of activities we were involved in. Many guidelines need to be spelt out clearly as it is a public blog, but if all systems go we can start next year too. This is necessary to stay relevant in an internet age. IT's about high time we did something like that. Yet it's possibly gonna stay in the pipeline for yet a while. But if this is a move of God we better stay sharp.
In my family my parents have started two-way talks (sounds political hor) with each other to air their views and seek common understanding. This is a breakthrough of breakthrough because it was never something my mom was comfortable with. No doubt it's giving her troubled sleep but she's handling it well. She's started reading devotionals by Stormie Omartian too. This is an undeniable move of God. She supports my intention to help people claiming that if it is cos I want to do God's will and help people it's good!
We are definitely moving. As with the Israelites, before we move we need to trust God. When we move in we need to keep the statutes and commandments He has laid out for us, that it may be well for us and we may enter His blessings. Pray for continued obedience. Amen.
Mantou at 10:44 PM
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Wednesday, October 10, 2007
It's here~
It's finally here! My application to Edith Cowan University (ECU). I'm taking the plunge now.. May I be on God's side on this one. Oh well, I'm taking a one year course first to test test anyhow.. =) So exciting! But it means two precious weeknights will be taken away from me. =P But still thank God for this door opening. Check Back Soon.Mantou at 11:29 PM
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Monday, October 08, 2007
When in a dilemma.. Weighing the options..
"The Lord desires to teach those who desire to please Him" - Me."My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going, I do not see the road ahead of me, I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following Your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please You does in fact please You. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this You will lead me down the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust You always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for You are ever with me, and You will never leave me to face my perils alone." - Thomas Merton
Studies.. Should I pursue them now? How far should I go?
Mantou at 9:32 PM
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Sunday, October 07, 2007
Responsibility
That word can sound quite dreadful sometimes.. Especially when it comes from our parents. At one point or another, I'm quite sure we've all heard our parents say something along the lines of.. 'No sense of responsibility.. Tsk tsk tsk..' But today I'd like to share with you a new perspective I've discovered.I was just mulling over the fact that I can come so far in my walk with God but still feel so far from Him from time to time. We'll leave the issue of pride for another time of discussion, but I was just wondering what it meant to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. When I did a mental survey of the thoughts that went through my mind in a day; how much of it was godly and how much was not, the results were discouraging. Yet the Word of God says to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. God knew the potential of an 'open' mind and how it would lead to sin. I had always understood and applied that verse as a weapon when distracting or tempting thoughts come to mind. But today something else struck me.
The key word is 'every'. Ok the two key words are 'every thought'. Why do I say that? Have you ever had the experience of suddenly realizing that you're thinking about this friend whom you have not met up with for a long time? You will suddenly get a flood of thoughts and reminisce about how frequent you guys used to hang out, or get regrets that you wish you had told that person this or shared with him or her that, etc. But will this person ever find out you've been thinking about him or her? It is highly unlikely, if you were to leave the situation hovering about in your mind. You have to decide on a course of action wouldn't you? Call, sms, email, hate mail, love letter. Whatever. The point is, we have a responsibility i.e. AN ABILITY TO RESPOND.
Leaving the long lost friend analogy, the point I'm trying to make is this. God's responsibility (ability to respond) is to send us the Holy Spirit, who will inspire us to think about Him or about sin. I was always stuck here. Just thinking about Him and about sin. For the longest time, I thought it was good enough. Thinking it was my effort. Responding to those thoughts was a bonus that came from time to time. After all, I never had thoughts about Him before I was converted. But guess what? I just realized that in comparison, my time spent thinking about Him far outweighs my time spent with Him. Bring back the friend analogy. What good will it do to the relationship to be thinking day and night about your friend but never meeting up with him/her?
So I realized that thoughts about Him or sin are inspired by God Himself, nothing to claim credit about. Our responsibility (ability to respond) is in worship, prayer, confession, serving, the list goes on. So Vincent Nicodemus, when thoughts come in, take it to God. Don't be so preoccupied with it you get into the paralysis of analysis. God Himself made the way for instant access to His throne through His Son. We have been given the ability to respond (responsibility) to His thoughts immediately. We also have the ability to respond to thoughts from other sources just as easily, by taking it to God. Praise God!
One last thing that I learned; in my question to God's inspiration. Typical question of a Singaporean when told to do something. 'How??' God's answer was simple enough. 'I desire obedience, not sacrifice'. Go figure.. To know the wisdom in those words, ask the Author Himself. =)
Mantou at 9:53 PM