Monday, June 02, 2008
Humbled bumped bummer...
Oh well oh well oh well.. I'm pretty well acquainted with screw ups and life's ugly consequences. That's just some of the ways I have been wired to learn life's greatest lessons from (I enrolled in the school of hard knocks since young and have yet to graduate). Still, everytime it happens, it etches itself in my memories, and makes itself known loud and clear not in one, not two, but a string of incidents to hit home the message and drive me to my knees..
So here I am again, at a familiar spot in life - humbled by life's circumstances - but yet with a differing response. Somewhat.
I feel so sorry for the people I've implicated due to my negligence this time around, and it's so wrong that they have to be at the brunt of my foolishness. Argh.. It's such a feeling of helplessness. How stupid will it be to try to salvage the situation for others when you started it yourself. I'm much more used to helping others clean up their mess. And so it's so humbling that I made a mess and others are affected by it and I wish I could do something to reverse the effects but it's so futile. There's still hope, but I really didn't have to put myself in such a precarious situation.
I find major crises and screw ups always the tool used to show me the cracks I have in my life. I have questioned the thoughts in me that condemns me such as I'm lesser than my ideals, I should have known better, I'll never learn, God is punishing you so better buck up and match up, you should have done this and that, the list goes on. I have learned that's never the point - trying to match up. But I am ashamed but at the same time amazed to say, the point is, God is showing me how to truly surrender. Or why I must truly surrender. My efforts are but futile; mediocre at best, bound to mess up at worst. And the stakes are higher than I think. Even if I didn't care about myself, I surely cared about others and they too care for me. If I don't choose God's way I'm playing into dangerous territory, and not only my life is affected,or my relationship with God, others around me too. Ministry, friendships, divine appointments, disciples. Like David's sin that caused the death of his people, so will my unsanctified self cost the lives of others.
Some may think I think too much, I make a mountain out of a molehill, or overspiritualize. But I guess only God and I know how much has happened to me in the whole picture and why it matters to me. He alone knows the condition of my heart, and how much grace and providence I need. When God says His grace is sufficient, He'll prove it somehow.
Yesterday Wee Lee my pastor's wife prayed for me. I had wondered why she kept praying against the voice of condemnation for me. I now know why. She was sent by God to show me that I needed to recognize what's been driving my behavior for so long. Today I can recognize and take steps to reject those lies. Thank God.
Mantou at 11:18 PM